My son and I like to tell anyone who will listen that our ideal living arrangement is that he lives across the street or next door to us when he's an adult. I mean … it's true! At least, it is right now. He's about to be 11, and I'm sure that in the coming years, he might change his mind on that.
Despite wanting to keep him as close as I can, I'm actually a big fan of my child fully embracing age-appropriate independence. I wouldn't have been chill enough to let him walk to school by himself when he was 4 or 5 like they do in Japan, but my husband and I have both always understood the importance of encouraging independence in our kid, even when he hasn't wanted us to.
I can only speak as a parent of an only child, and truly as the parent of my specific only child, but some of this has been easy due to my kid's nature. He's been comfortable playing by himself since he was 2 or 3, and every year he was capable of doing so for longer and longer. But instilling true independence — the kind that also nurtures confidence — hasn't always been such a piece of cake. And in fact, we are still actively thinking about the topic and trying new things all the time. So far, here's what's worked:
1. Chores, Chores, Chores
Our kid has had his own chores since he was 3 or 4, because we strongly believe that everyone who lives in a home together has a part in keeping that home going. The chores have varied based on his age. Right now, at almost 11, he's responsible for feeding his gecko, making sure the dogs go in and out of the house, starting the laundry if he sees it needs to be done, putting away his laundry, and like a zillion miscellaneous tasks.
He gets an allowance, and it's based less on the idea that he will do X, Y, and Z each month and more on the idea that if we ask him to do something, he does it. So sometimes he does the tasks above, and other times he does those and other stuff, and then still other times he just does whatever thing we need assistance with or need him to cover. Sometimes he gets dinner started. Sometimes he makes coffee (especially if he wakes up first on a weekend).
The whole goal of chores, at least for us, is to give him a sense of accomplishment and reward. Also, to be real, I don't want to raise a boy to adulthood without him knowing to clean up after himself, how to feed himself, and how to do laundry.
2. Involve Them in Their Future
We homeschool our kid, so every so often we have family check-ins where we discuss what's been working and what hasn't, and also what we'd like to try in the future. Instead of us dictating to him what he will and won't learn, we actively involve him in the discussion. This inclusion has led to some truly great stuff — he is currently learning French because he wanted to and Spanish because we asked him to, and we recently finished an incredible US history study that incorporated the stories of people of color, women, and children, because he asked if we could.
Including his voice gives him a sense of ownership over what he's learning now and how he's spending his time. But if you don't homeschool, you can still do your own version of this. When our son was 5 or 6, he asked me to put together a spreadsheet of universities and colleges that are more homeschool-friendly and that have amazing animal biology programs. Two years later, he revisited the list and added his own schools. We don't know if he will or won't go to any of the schools, but he's invested in his future and the wheels are turning, which is pretty cool.
3. Actually Let Them Do Things Alone
This one has actually been a challenge for me because I get so anxious that something will happen to my child if he isn't with me. But it's important for kids to be allowed to actually grow independent of their parents, so I have to quiet down those fears and suck it up. Right now, our son does little things like running into the pet store to get crickets for his gecko or going into the grocery store to grab milk. He loves that we let him do these things, and even recently took it upon himself to ask the guy at the pet store about caring for pet turtles (his current want/need).
4. Help With Meal Planning
Seriously! If you are already into meal planning, teach your tween about your process and invite them to plan out a few days of the week on their own sometime. Go over everything you consider when making your own plan, like grocery budget, nutrients, and what everyone in the house likes, and see what they come up with. You'll probably be surprised by how thoughtful your tween can be.
5. Don't Stick Around When You Drop Them Off
By the time your kid hits the tween years, it's very unlikely they're expecting (or wanting) you to stick around at the homes of their friends when you drop them off. The same is true for other outings. If you're both comfortable, play around with dropping your kid at the movies with friends, or maybe even letting your kid roam around the mall with friends on their own. You can even be in the same building, maybe just not exactly right there with them.
