Parenting can be tough, and that's true whether you're parenting solo or with a partner. The funny thing about deciding to have a child with someone is that you never really know what kind of parent they will be until it happens, no matter how many conversations you have ahead of time.
One mom has learned this the hard way. She recently wrote on Reddit that she's asked her husband to attend parenting classes or therapy because of how he treats their 8-year-old son.
From what she says, her husband seems to think that this job as a dad includes putting their son in tough situations to see how he reacts … and she's tired of it.
He insists on horseplay even though their son doesn't like it.
For starters, he doesn't seem to be open to playing in a way that their son will enjoy.
"My husband and i have been having some problems in regards to how he parents our eight year old son. My husband likes to play rough, tickling, wrestling, poking at someone after being told to stop, and my son is a quiet introverted kid who hates that type of play. My husband also likes to do little pranks, mostly popping out and scaring people, but our son has asked him to stop."
In fact, it sounds like he's not interested in who his son actually is at all.
She also says that her husband doesn't respect their son's boundaries:
"He also doesn't respect our son's limits in terms of social interaction. When we visit my in laws the house is very loud, the other kids play too hard, and our son does not enjoy it. He has asked to bring his switch and play upstairs. My husband said his mom would freak over how rude that was, so i tried to compromise on a book."
His parents have even called their son 'weak.'
To make things worse, it seems like the husband definitely gets his parenting style from his own parents.
"My husband said no and that it is his job to put him in uncomfortable decisions so he can grow. I think it hurts his feelings that our son doesn't like his grandparents, but i find them very difficult to like, so i can't blame him. My in laws have complained (not in front of him) that our son is too weak and [wimpy] and we are ruining him."
So the mom is taking action.
The mom has decided enough is enough, and she asked if they could talk about what's going on:
"I texted my husband the other day that i want to talk about our differences in parenting, because I am not ok with him continuing to disregard boundaries."
And her husband had a less-than-adult response:
"He replied that he has been depressed lately because of how joyless me and our son are, and he wrote back but find we can talk about BouNDaRiEs."
She threw down the gauntlet.
Her husband's response sent the mom over the edge:
"I said that he sounds just like his [expletive] parents and I am not ok with that. I said he needs to talk to a therapist because i can't make him see how important boundaries are, or maybe take parenting [classes]. Now he is really mad at me and feels like i am saying he is totally horrible and the worst father."
Now she wants to know what people think.
She chose to turn to Reddit for answers, and the over 2,000 comments show that people are happy to give them. The top commenter laid it out perfectly and succinctly:
"His joy in life should not come from tormenting his son."
Joy comes from learning about who your kids are, right?
Another commenter noted that one of the best ways to derive joy from parenting is by actually getting to know who your children are:
"Joy in parenting comes from learning what your kids are interested in and joining them in their fun, along with giving them new experiences and knowledge! Nothing makes me happier than doing something with my kids that they love or watching them learn something new. Why he thinks what he wants out of the relationship should dictate his interaction with his child is bizarre."
People are also concerned about their long-term relationship.
Plenty of people are also worried about how their father-son relationship will be down the road. Said one commenter:
"I see a lot of unhappiness in this kid's life once he's older and his father neglects him because he doesn't enjoy going fishing together."
Therapy could be really helpful.
If he's willing to go, therapy probably isn't a bad idea.
"He needs to learn that violating a person's boundaries is abusive, especially when it involves physical contact. Not everyone likes to be tickled, poked, etc. Most people don't like being scared either."
"He needs to understand your son was not put on this Earth for his entertainment. He has his own thoughts, feelings, personality, etc."
Others spoke to darker things that could be going on.
Quite a few people are also worried more abuse could develop later. As one commenter said:
"I have a family member who would do this to his daughters. They HATED him. When he came home from work, they hid from him. My family member would beg her husband to stop, and he'd say they just had different parenting styles. Or that she was just getting in the way of him having fun. He definitely ended up being abusive."
Ultimately, it sounds like a lot of work needs to take place.
Basically, people are not into the dad's behavior at all.
"Sounds like Dad legit just hasn't bothered to learn and adapt to how his own kid prefers to play. Playtime and fun does not need to be roughhousing. A quiet and sensitive kid might prefer to play less-physical games (board games, video games…), do puzzles, make arts and crafts, play pretend or make up stories – all fun things that you can do together. That's not 'joyless', and if he gets depressed because he can't force a child to play how HE wants to play, he does need to grow up, go to therapy, and learn to be less controlling and more empathetic to his kid's needs."
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