I am a mom who practices self-care. I don’t have to be convinced to do it. I don’t feel guilty about carving the time out for it. I practice self-care because I know that without it I would fall apart. Been there, done that, have the emergency room receipts to prove it. Not practicing self-care is not an option for me. The thing is, even though I practice self-care daily — religiously, some might say — I’m still not OK.
There, I said it: I practice self-care, and I’m not OK. And guess what? It’s OK that I’m not OK, but it’s not OK to stop practicing self-care. Let me explain.
I believe that practicing self-care to “fix” yourself is a mistake. That’s not the point of self-care. Sort of like how brushing your teeth isn’t meant to get rid of a cavity you already have; it’s more about practicing good oral hygiene to help prevent any future cavities. In my life and my experience, self-care doesn’t cure my anxiety disorder. It doesn’t “fix” me, but it does help me tremendously in both the present and the future. It helps me stay connected in mind, body, and spirit so that I realize when I need to reach out to a therapist or doctor for help.
Does self-care make me happy? Sometimes, but not always. In general, I would say that self-care most definitely helps me be happier than I would otherwise be, but it doesn’t make me happy all the time. For example, during the health crisis, self-care has not helped me be happy, and I’m OK with that, because feelings of fear, depression, and worry are perfectly normal given the circumstances.
Here’s what self-care has done for me during the health crisis:
- It’s allowed me to practice loving kindness toward myself and others.
- It’s allowed me to stay as healthy as possible.
- It’s kept me moving my body when I would rather be binging on entertainment.
- It’s allowed me to sit with all my feelings, good and bad, without judging myself over them.
- It’s released physical tension and emotions I didn’t even know I was holding on to.
One of the ways I practice self-care is through exercise. I used to love going for long walks outdoors, but when the health crisis hit and wearing masks became a way of life for me, I stopped going on long walks because the mask makes me feel like I’m suffocating and triggers a panic attack. I could have used that as an excuse to just stop exercising, but instead I decided to start exercising indoors using a virtual reality (VR) headset that my kids have for dance workouts.
I love to dance, and the dance workouts on the game I’ve been using are fun, which keeps me motivated to keep doing them. I was mostly doing them for the same reasons I brush my teeth: because exercise is good for me and sets me up for future health. But to be honest, I wasn’t feeling all kinds of joyful or anything. Then one day during a particularly challenging workout, I started laughing hysterically because I was having such a hard time keeping up and the music was so good and it felt so great to move my body. I felt so good and happy for the first time in so many months that as soon as I noticed the joy coursing through my body, my hysterical laughter turned into sobbing. I’m not kidding you — I went from cackling to bawling uncontrollably in a split second.
What made me go from laughing to crying was a sort of roller coaster of emotions. The music and exercise helped me tap into genuine, unapologetic joy for the first time during the health crisis, and that joy allowed me to release so much sadness that I hadn’t realize had been trapped inside of me. As both joy and sorrow simultaneously flowed through my body, I had a real aha moment: This is why I practice self-care! I practice self-care not because I’m broken and I want to fix myself or I’m sad and want to feel happy all the time. I practice self-care to feel all my feelings in a healthy way so they don’t turn into painful metaphorical cavities.
I wanted to share these thoughts especially with other moms because we live in a society that likes quick fixes, and that’s not what self-care provides. Self-care won’t “fix” you, but if nothing else, consistent self-care will help you realize that you are not broken.
