For some reason, people are comfortable being really … open with stepparents. At least, they think it's open. We usually think it's rude, or inappropriate, or straight-up unnecessary.
Yes, there can be differences between stepfamilies and "traditional" families. But these days, fewer and fewer families are falling under the traditional umbrella. Statistically speaking, over 50% of US families are remarried or recoupled, according to the Step-Family Foundation. That means it's plenty common to happen upon a stepparent, although some settings will very much have you feeling otherwise.
As a stepmom, I've heard some comments from people that give me insight into what they think stepparenting is. I've learned that if I take it as a criticism of my own performance from whatever I share with others, I'll likely topple from the weight of carrying other people's baggage.
More often than not, a sideways comment comes from a lack of understanding rather than blatant disrespect, or so I'd like to believe. Still, people are far too comfortable overstepping or overspeaking in a situation they feel to be unique and not their own. Here are some of the comments stepparents other than myself are tired of hearing.
'Aren't you happy they aren't yours?'
I probably speak for most stepparents when I say I don't love the whole "yours," "his," "mine," "ours" thing. It just feels unnecessary. Even if a child isn't biologically mine, I can be invested in that child's life and the ups and downs of that life. At no point does how much DNA we share keep me from worrying or stressing.
'At least that's not your problem.'
There's an idea that you can be a family, but as a stepparent, there are certain things that just don't concern you. That may be the case in some stepfamilies, but that's not how stepfamilies ideally want to run. So while something may not seem like my direct responsibility, it is something that will impact me and the people around me and is therefore my concern.
'It'll be different with the next one.'
First of all, we need to stop assuming every couple is interested in having kids. Even if they are, they could be struggling, so there's really no need to get into hypothetical future children if you're really trying to avoid hurting someone's feelings.
That aside, of course a dynamic with another child, real or hypothetical, would be different. There are different dynamics with most kids in most same-parent households, so it stands to reason that would be the case regardless.
'Do they call you ___?'
I don't know why we so badly want a word to equate to a specific parent. Sure, lots of kids call their moms mom, but some also use ma, mommy, mother, not to mention words in other languages. It's safe to say it varies family by family, but other families don't often have to field the question of what you call a specific member.
Also, the days of a parent's new partner being "Uncle X" or "Aunt Y" are far behind us. Don't assume that's the answer. Please.
'You knew what you were getting yourself into.'
Stepparents are rarely allowed to express stress at any family strife without someone trying to throw their prior knowledge a child existed in their face. "You knew what you were getting yourself into" is not how it works when it comes to a growing, evolving child (or frankly, growing, evolving adults, but that's another subject). And as with most things in life, no one can ever truly know what they're getting themselves into.
'Maybe you should stay out of it.'
Are there stepparents out there who do not get involved in decision making when it comes to discipline and things of that nature? Sure. The same can be said of biological parents in households where one parent does all the disciplining. At any rate, my family, my business. There's never a matter I need to "stay out of."
'How hard is it when you only have them sometimes?'
People think that families with custody arrangements somehow "get a break" from parenting. Just because the kid isn't physically here doesn't mean that you don't worry, wonder, and work for them every other day.
'You'll be a real mom one day.'
First of all, there's no reason to tell people what is and isn't real to them. My experience parenting is very real to me, even if I didn't experience pregnancy or childbirth. Second of all, there's always a presumption that where a child or children exist, so too does the desire for more. That's not always the case, not that it should have to be explained if it isn't.
'At least you don't have to go to every game.'
Again, just because you aren't a biological parent doesn't mean you get to pick and choose when you're into parenting. For stepparents who aren't at every event, there could be a lot of very personal reasons why, none of which should have to be delved into during casual conversations.
'What's it like being an evil stepmom?'
I promise you're not the first person to make an evil stepparent joke. You can just skip it. Trust me.
