A few years ago, I had a terrible date. It was one of those bad dates that was uncomfortable from the exact moment he sat down. Aside from the fact that there was no chemistry (on either end — it was abundantly clear this dude was not feeling me), he talked nonstop about a woman he was infatuated with.
I gave it about 45 minutes tops and a speedy, sorry-not-sorry kind of farewell. Neither of us even bothered sending a follow-up text.
But because it was my very first date after a breakup, I desperately wanted there to be a silver lining. That silver lining would be the hot bartender who waited on us.
I've always had a small thing for bartenders. For one, people in the service industry always tend to be down to earth, but this guy was really personable. He was way more my speed than the dude I was with. I gathered as much when our eyes briefly met in a moment of silent judgment when my date ordered some pretentious whiskey the bar didn't even serve. And after about five minutes, I really just wished I was chatting to the guy behind the bar… like I had been before my crapfest of a date arrived.
I didn't have the foresight to sneak back in and give him my number after my clumsy exit. But I figured it would be pretty easy to find him. I did a very minor amount of social media stalking when I got home, and there he was. I sent him a message that would've been borderline mortifying if he hadn't responded speedily. It said something like, "Hey! I was the girl on the bad date. Wanna take me on a better one?"
A few nights later, me and the bartender, whose name was Wyatt, went out on a date that was 10,000 times more fun and easier than my last. We clicked. We vibed. We stayed up late, and then we hung out a few nights later… and again a few . But as it turned out, we were in pretty different places. He was a bartender who partied most nights and slept until noon every day. I was a single mom nursing a broken heart and trying to keep my life together and just feel grounded again. There was no relationship in sight for us, regardless of our clear connection.
For a while, I thought that would be the end of the bartender and me. But connection is a funny thing that can keep people coming back to each other, even if a romantic relationship isn't the end result.
Wyatt kept on doing his late-night-party-man thing. I kept on momming and venturing in and out of relationships that didn't stick. But we kept up with each other. We'd have random nights out here and there. We'd have dinners and drinks and sometimes have casual sex. But more than that, over the years, we started to become friends — great friends.
After I ended a relationship a year ago, Wyatt and I started to see more of each other. It was probably because neither of us were really looking to start a new relationship with anyone. There was more space in our lives for fun meetups without any kind of commitment. We were simply hanging out because we wanted to. There was no pressure. No strings.
While at times, it's felt romantic, we've never gotten serious. And it's almost like our friendship is now too solid to mess with. I sometimes tell him that we have the perfect relationship, because that's often how it feels to me. I can confide in him, and he does the same. We're so close at this point, we've even met each other's families. We just aren't a couple.
Our relationship probably confuses people from the outside. My friends have tried to ship us. His friends have said that we are the male/female versions of one another. But if I don't worry about explaining our dynamic, then there's really nothing to worry about. We care deeply about each other, and we're great friends. We also have sex, but neither of us wants anything more.
While the relationship is so special to me, I can't say that I fully understand how it works. I've never had a friend with benefits (as an adult mother, at least) that was so long-lasting or so meaningful. But I can't deny the fact that it's a positive, nurturing relationship in just about every way. Sex included.
But while sex is a part of our connection, it is far from the most important thing about it. It doesn't dictate anything about our friendship. There are plenty of times we go out to dinner and both go home to our separate beds, usually with a kiss goodnight. But perhaps that's what makes it feel so rock solid. Sex isn't the foundation. Friendship is.
My friendship with Wyatt has made me realize a lot of things — mainly, that connections come in many different forms, and just because something doesn't look traditional, or result in a fairy-tale ending, doesn't mean it isn't worth exploring. If I had tossed him aside, or he did me, simply because we weren't relationship-bound, then we wouldn't have had each other's good company for all these years. Honestly, that would be a travesty. At this point, I consider him my best friend, and I'm thankful all the time that he's in my life.
People might think being friends with benefits is juvenile. Personally, I think my relationship with my FWB is one of the most mature of my life. We see other people, and there's no jealousy. There's no anger when one person wants space or falls off the radar for a few days or a week. Likewise, nothing is forced or contrived when we're together. We simply love and support each other like friends do. And sometimes, we end up naked.
Sex doesn't negate all of the wonderful things we give each other, though, and if I had to guess, I'd say our dynamic is probably easier and more fulfilling than most couples'. Even though we might never be that, I think we'll always be there for each other. And I really hope I'm right.
