After 25 hours, 1,200 miles, and an uncountable number of snacks, my three kids and I are back from our summer vacation. We drove from Vermont to Virginia to meet up with my long-distance partner and her two kids, who drove from Florida. When we planned the trip, we considered the health crisis, the distance we were willing to drive, money, and time away from the kids’ other parents.
I won’t speak on my partner’s situation, but for me planning around my ex’s schedule, her own plans with the kids, and comfort level of what we were doing and where we were going was relatively easy. It helped that she was giddy with the idea of having a week without any parenting responsibilities, but what helps more is that we get along and communicate well. This helps us navigate the day-to-day co-parenting duties, but it also helps us juggle family vacations as our original unit of five and as a divorced family with new members.
My ex-partner and I have been separated for almost three years, so know that the ease in which we discuss all topics with each other — including schedules — wasn’t always easy. Separation and divorce can be hard, even when it’s the best path forward, but it can be toxic and abusive for many folks, too. It may take time, mediation, or lawyers to establish routines and co-parenting agreements, but it’s important to find a way to give kids a sense of security and consistency, if possible. I also know this doesn’t happen in too many cases, or it comes at the sacrifice of at least one parent. I’m fortunate that my ex and I like and respect one another enough to get through moments of conflict and discomfort in mature ways, even if we get frustrated with each other.
We have it written into our divorce agreement that Sunday nights are family dinner nights. Whichever parent is receiving the kids for the week will host dinner so that we all have a chance to connect and regroup. This led us to talk about how we will spend holidays, birthdays, and vacations. We outlined ideas, but the overall consensus was that change was going to happen, and that some days and events will look different than before the divorce. That doesn’t mean we don’t make an effort to make sure both parents are present on important dates, but it also means each parent will establish new traditions and routines with the kids on those same dates. We’re also creating memories with the kids that don’t involve the other parent. This has the potential to sting, and at times it does. But for the most part, our new normal feels balanced and good.
Thankfully, neither I nor my ex are threatened by the presence of another adult and parent-figure in our kids’ lives. We don’t see new partners as replacements but as add-ons. My partner is adding love, guidance, and help to the equation and not replacing my ex as my kids’ parent. None of us want this. So when I went away with the kids and sent my ex photos of the cool and fun things we were doing, she was grateful I was giving the kids a wonderful experience. She was glad we had that time together. She wasn’t resentful or jealous. She was living her best life by taking her own mini vacation and break from camp pickup and drop-offs, bedtime routines, and the chaos of three young kids. We weren’t all together, but everyone was happy.
We’re respectful of each other’s desire to have time that is just ours, even if it’s not an official vacation. We support each other’s work events, dates, and social interactions and do our best to help out with the kids when necessary. Babysitters are called in at times, but my ex and I are always each other’s first ask for help.
In a few weeks, we’ll all be together as our new but still familiar way of being a unit when we host out-of-town family for the first time in two years. Everyone will converge and use one house as home base, but sleeping arrangements will be different, and conversations will include partners whom family members haven’t met yet. Boundaries are clear and respected but don’t restrict the ability to still see ourselves as a family.
My ex and I aren’t in competition with each other to see who gets the most time with the kids or who can offer the coolest experiences. The goal is to make sure everyone is experiencing quality time, whether we’re all together or off on our own adventures.
