There's a lot of focus that goes into a wedding — from flowers to officiants, planning a wedding is often a full-time job in itself. But truthfully, the most important parts of a marriage happen after the two partners pledge to live their lives together. Marriage is a big commitment, especially if kids are in your future.
One groom-to-be has a wedding planned but is in the middle of a fight with his bride. The reason being, she refuses to change her last name to his after they get married. And her last name isn't her maiden name — it belongs to an ex.
Naturally, he went on Reddit to get some other opinions.
"I love her, I will marry her but I don't feel okay about her keeping another man's last name instead of mine," his post opened. "Her reason why is that she wants to have the same last name as her two kids but that doesn't make a lot of sense since we're planning to have children of our own."
"When I asked her about our future children last names she said we can just hyphenate the two when the time comes," he said. "I'm honestly not comfortable with this. It's not hate against her ex, he was never a jerk to me or anything but I don't want my wife and kids to have his name."
His wife-to-be has put her kids first from day one.
"I knew what I was signing up for when I started to date her, she made crystal clear her children come first and one of the things she wanted me to have in mind is that we are not making a new family, we're merging two," he said. "Her dad was pretty absent in her life and apparently he was a wonderful to his 'new family' so I understand the trauma and know how important is to her to keep all her children as a unity. But as her spouse, I'll honestly feel out of this unity."
The original poster admitted that he and his fiancée talk a lot, but this was one issue that hadn't come up until recently. "We had many serious discussions before deciding to get marry and we agreed with pretty much everything but until recently, the last name thing haven't come up," he explained. "It was probably not as important as we agreeing on having children, where to live, step-parenting dynamics, etc."
If he felt strongly enough that a wife should take a husband's name, it makes sense as to why that was glossed over. He assumed she would.
Since she took her last partner's name, it may have seemed more likely that she'd take his.
"This is the first thing she's not willing to discuss, I always had a great communication with her about anything but for this one issue her position is 'It's decided, no discussion,'" he said. "We been together for two years, she has never positioned herself like this before."
But then OP included some other details that were a little strange.
"I think it's more important to point out that she also want children with this name," he said. "Many children have both parents last names hyphenated but the facts my children would get this name from an ex is what bothers me."
That's partially understandable, if he only views the name as the ex's name and not his wife's name.
But it's important for him to remember that this is her identity, too.
Changing last names can be very difficult. And if she was with her ex for a long time, it's technically part of her identity as well. Since she didn't have a great relationship with her father, it makes more sense as to why she wouldn't want to go back to her maiden name.
He needs to realize that the name doesn't necessarily mean that she's still attached to her ex outside of the kids. He can't erase the fact that she had a life before him. And Reddit seemed to agree.
A woman is responsible for her own name, and she doesn't necessarily "belong" to anyone based on what their last name may be.
But it seems like the OP didn't necessarily love the answers he got.
In fact, he accused Redditors of not reading the entire post. But they did — and feel as if the wife-to-be is completely in the right.
"Her name (whether it's her maiden name or one she gained from marriage) is HER NAME," wrote one Redditor. "It doesn't belong to her ex; it's not his name, it's hers. And while I think her reasons are perfectly valid and reasonable, that doesn't matter. Her name, her choice."
Another Redditor even tried reversing the issue to see how the OP would feel: "OP, why don’t you take her last name? Bam, problem solved! Or, wait, you have a right to attachment to your name, but she doesn't?"
Some people did feel like it might have been a big ask.
While most people saw the name more as her name and not her ex's name, there were other commenters who thought that it might be strange when they had kids. One even stated that it could very well be a deal-breaker.
"You are allowed for this to be a dealbreaker," the commenter said. "So is she. I don't blame you for not wanting your kids to have your wife's ex's last name for half of theirs (it's a bit different than having her maiden name) BUT her desires, and the desire to share a last name with her kid, are equally valid."
So, who's right? Technically, both of them. It's completely normal for his bride to feel a sense of "family" with her current last name. And she should be called whatever she wants to be called. But he also has a right to feel uncomfortable when it's time to have kids. It seems like that's one of the biggest issues he has on the matter.
It's something they should figure out now, before the wedding.
It doesn't mean that minds won't change. But if either of them will be miserable with the future decision, it's time to hash that out now. If the OP is turned off over the fact that her ex's name is part of his children's name, it's important for him to tell her that. Compromise is a big part of marriage, so why not start now?
If he can get over the name also belonging to her ex, that'd be a good solution. Because it is her name, too. But when it comes to the kids, she can't make a decision years prior and shut down any conversation on the matter. He also has a right to weigh in when it comes to his children.
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