Money can be a tricky thing. It's even tougher when someone you love is going through financial issues, and you feel obliged to help. But how far is too far?
One wife asked Reddit whether or not she was in the wrong for dismissing her husband's cousin's wedding registry after that cousin skipped out on a gift for the woman's baby shower. But it's a complicated situation. For one, this cousin is more like a sibling than anything else.
"My husband (34m) grew up with his cousin (32f) in the same house and he treats her like a sister. A few years ago she went through a horrible break up after 8 years of dating the same dysfunctional guy which left her with nothing but 5 figure credit card debt," she explained.
As you might expect, her husband chose to get involved.
"When it first happened we were very sympathetic and invited her to hangout with us for a week since we live about 600 miles away," she wrote. "We paid for her going out with us happily, knowing what she was going through. She offered to pay us back and we declined to take her money." Her husband went so far as to try to rectify her situation, to make sure she was on the right foot for paying off the debt.
Her husband quickly came to the rescue.
And that extra help made a big difference. "My husband and I are both financially literate so when she felt better we went out of our way to help her renegotiate and settle her credit card debts and worked through an entire financial plan with her so she could start to build her retirement nest of eggs," she explained. "As time goes by, cousin started doing better: she got a much better job in management, and started dating her new, financially secure man (6 figure white collar job and a paid-off house) with the intent to marry."
But that was in the past. This year, the original poster (OP) and her husband welcomed their first child. "Fast forward to recent months: we just welcomed our first child in April, and sent around our registry at least 3 months ahead of time," she explained. "We did not have a crazy registry: we have about 30-40 items listed, including some $8-20 stuff like baby towels and books because to us its the thoughts that counted and we made major purchases like car seat and baby furnitures ourselves."
But the cousin didn't buy them anything.
"Our registry was ignored by cousin – and she was notably the only family member on either side who didnt do anything with the registry," the OP said. That led to some hurt feelings. "As of a week ago, we received said cousin's wedding registry and I told my husband I did not want to contribute because gift giving seemed to be only one-way in this relationship," she explained.
Of course, her husband wasn't happy about this plan, thinking it was a little petty. "My husband was not happy and called me a petty AH 'over $25 baby gifts' and said I should get over it or forget that his cousin didnt contribute because it is not significant and our baby has everything he might need," she wrote. "He further said for us to not contribute to her wedding registry would be ruining a life-long, sibling like relationship that is so precious."
Her predicament brought mixed responses.
One commenter mentioned how the two have a joint account, so this is more or less the OP forbidding her husband to support a cousin. "Yes, I get it," the commenter wrote. "Not giving a gift is a totally reasonable response to not getting one," they wrote. "But no, you can't forbid your husband from making a small one time purchase with your joint money just [because] you don't like it. That is way too controlling and not okay."
A lot of people referred to this relationship as "transactional" in the OP's eyes. Another Redditor put a nice spin on it, noting: "Putting an end to a problematic dynamic is fine, but there should be an adult conversation about it. Maybe the cousin was broke and embarassed to mention it. Maybe they sent a gift that wasn't received. Maybe the OP made an error. The OP is being malicious over nothing. It takes a deeply petty person to even notice in the first place."
They make an excellent point — everyone involved seems old enough not to make this a real issue.
But some people saw where she was coming from.
One person acknowledged the OP's feelings and thought up a solution. "It's kind of hypocritical of her to send you her registry after she ignored yours (especially after all you and your husband did for her) but it would also be hypocritical for you to ignore her completely," the commenter wrote. "If you want to make a point that you're upset with her then just get her literally the cheapest item on the registry. If your husband wants he can get her something else from just him."
But other Redditors read more into the situation and felt like the OP was quietly being abusive.
"These are such awful massive red flags of you being controlling, and in fact if you look up the signs of abuse, controlling how your partner spends money is absolutely a sign of abuse," wrote one commenter.
"The more I read the more awful I realize you are. He is better off finding a decent human being and I feel bad for the kid being raised by someone so petty and controlling. Who raised you?"
Ouch.
All the opinions seemed to make a big difference.
The OP read through what others thought, and it seemed to have helped. "I think for my sanity, choosing to believe it is a lost gift is my best way forward here," she said. She also noted that she had another talk with her husband about all of this, and they've worked on a game plan.
"My husband has apologized for calling me petty," she said. "Since the wedding event is a good few months away, we might take a break and return to this to hash out what we want to do as a family unit. Also, [the health crisis] might change the nature of the wedding event… so most likely, especially if there is no wedding + reception in the traditional sense, we will be flexible towards the newly wed's arrangement but only bring a small gift if we go physically." So it seems like they have a game plan.
It's important to take a step back and realize that plenty of actions aren't necessarily meant to be malicious. It's been a difficult few years, and it's possible that the cousin thought she sent something yet didn't. Or maybe money was an issue. No matter what, one small issue shouldn't ruin — or threaten to ruin — such an important relationship. The OP needs to take a deep breath and let this roll off her back for now.
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