Byline: Jann Blackstone
Q. My second husband, Miguel, and I are divorced, and I am getting married again. Although we never had kids together, he is the only father figure my son from my first marriage has known, and he is also good friends with my fiancé. My son and my fiancé would both like Miguel to attend the wedding. I’m OK with it, but my mother will never forgive how he treated me (he cheated), and she has threatened to make a scene if he attends. What’s good ex-etiquette?
A. As the bride, the final guest list is up to you, especially if your son and fiancé are asking to invite this man, who continues to act as a father figure to your son.
Plus, it appears your fiancé has cultivated such a good friendship with him that he genuinely wants to invite him to his wedding. That’s quite a statement.
Your mother is reacting from a place of pain. She loves you. She saw your hurt as you navigated through the pain of your divorce.
Because she has not forgiven the pain he caused you, she is holding a grudge in your name.
Noble response, Mom, but that energy could be put to better use.
Good ex-etiquette rule #6 is, “Don’t hold grudges.”
The reason: Grudges don't really serve a purpose. They don't make us feel better, heal our hurt or affect the other person at all. It’s a private anger only you feel.
In fact, at the end of the day, all we end up with when we hold a grudge is the all-consuming negativity it holds over us.
We all know the impact stress can have on our body and mental state. A grudge is that stress pointed inward.
It may help if you point out a few things to your mother in a tactful and loving way.
She should know that it could be detrimental to your son if she interferes in that relationship. When a bonusparent and child become close, denying contact could increase the difficulty the child has dealing with the split.
Unfortunately, your mom may not take the relationship as seriously as it is and not understand the importance of them remaining close.
Just because this man is not your son’s biological father doesn’t mean your son doesn’t feel like he is. You’ve even said, Miguel is the only father your son has ever known.
If your fiancé feels comfortable that Miguel attends, his presence can only add to your son’s feelings of security. He now has two adult male role models.
Finally, it sounds like your mom is a very supportive parent. She must find a way to be a very supportive grandparent as well.
As kindly as possible, remind her that what you really need right now is her acknowledgment of your effort to make a go of it, not a public reprimand of an ex from whom you have moved on.
Let her know she is stuck in the hurt, but you are not, and if she really wants to be there for you, she will enthusiastically embrace your effort to start a new life.
If she is still looking for revenge after that little lecture, remind her that the sweetest revenge is to successfully move on — and that is what you have done. With a hug, invite her to do the same. That’s good ex-etiquette.
(Dr. Jann Blackstone is the author of “Ex-etiquette for Parents: Good Behavior After Divorce or Separation,” and the founder of Bonus Families, bonusfamilies.com. Email her at the Ex-Etiquette website exetiquette.com at [email protected].)
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