Reading is one of the most beneficial hobbies to have. Not only can you easily lose yourself in a story (especially if your brain needs a vacation from everyday life), but it'll enhance your vocabulary and open your world. There are plenty of incredible stories being written each day that deserve to be read.
But one thing about reading is that, unless you're reading to a child, it's often a solitary activity. And that's why one concerned wife went to Reddit to figure out whether or not she was in the wrong after getting into a fight with her husband over it.
"I enjoy reading books, but my husband feels that it is rude for me to read when we are both home, because I am ignoring him," she said. "To be clear, this does not happen in excess by anyone's definition."
The fact that her book reading only happens occasionally doesn't make her husband ease up on the issue. "I have read a maximum of 5 entire books since we got together a decade ago, primarily to avoid upsetting him," she said. "We have very similar work schedules. Recently, I bought a book that was the first in a series of 3, and it started this argument to a higher degree than usual because of the fact that it is a series."
Hearing he gets upset seems like a huge red flag.
If anything, partners should be encouraged to read more. But it seems as if this is just something that's always naturally bothered him — so much that his wife has already tried to figure out work-arounds.
"I've considered going to a café and reading in my car, but that seems like a waste of gas when I could just read at home where it's more comfortable anyway," she said.
She's also tried standing her ground. "I tell him I'm about to start reading in the study/bedroom/etc. and that I expect not to be interrupted for the next 30 mins/hour," she said. "Though, this will absolutely upset him, because he approaches me for comment or to tell stories every 10/15 mins on average." Now it seems more than ever that he may just be chronically lonely.
She gave a few more details about their marriage to help figure this out.
She didn't have to, but she gave some extra details. Luckily, it does seem to look like they normally have quite a loving relationship.
"He works totally alone, and I do think that is a source of his understandable need for lots of evening and weekend interaction," she explained. "I just feel this request is an inappropriate expression of that need."
She also admitted that he doesn't have too many close friends. "No, he doesn't have many friends," she responded to a question. "Just one, really. Otherwise, it's mostly just my family that he spends time with. His doesn't live nearby, but he gets along really well with mine, and they all genuinely enjoy each other's company."
They're also both seeing therapists.
And this is actually fantastic news, as it shows that both of them are willing to change, learn, and grow. "It's mainly been individual therapy, aside from an approx. 6-month period of couples therapy during a time of crisis in 2019," she clarified. And yes — she also noted that he did know how to read.
With that information in play, the situation becomes slightly more understandable. It's likely her husband is looking for companionship and conversation during his off-hours from work, especially since he doesn't socialize during the day. And she's just looking for a way to unwind by herself.
Reddit thought that the two of them need to work on their communication.
"How do you spend your time with him? Sitting on the edge of your seat awaiting interactions?" wrote one Redditor. "I know you say he's not abusive but this is such an unreasonable ask of a partner, especially one who loves to read. I can't imagine expecting my husband to give up something he loves just so I could get attention. That's incredibly needy for a fully grown adult. My 4 year old isn't as demanding of my time."
Others felt like perhaps something greater might be at play. "Sincere question, does your husband have ADHD?" asked another person. "My partner has ADHD and his natural habit is exactly this. When a thought comes into his head, he'll just start sharing it. He has to share it or its lost forever. He gets excited and wants to share RIGHT NOW. And if he starts to and the person can't/won't listen, he then feels rejected and hurt out of proportion for what has happened."
Others thought that maybe he was a narcissist.
A lot of people throw this diagnosis around without really knowing the meaning behind the word. But another person felt like that was the best way to describe it. "The best thing you can do, as long as you don’t think it will lead to physical abuse, is to simply ignore the behavior. Don’t say a word just keep reading. It sounds rude, but it’s also rude to interrupt someone while they are reading," they suggested.
Mostly, those who've been in similar relationships said that compromise was the best. "I've had a similar disagreement with my husband," commented another user. "I dislike most television shows and I love to read. For the first few years we were married it bothered him that we would sit down together at night and I would read while he watched TV. I was literally right next to him in the couch but it bothered him that I wasn't engaged in the same thing he was. Finally, he realized it wasn’t a commentary on him or how he spends his time, it was just that I had different interests than him. Now, we choose a few shows we watch together and otherwise I read while he watches."
Sounds like a plan.
All in all, people think this husband needs to sit down and think about how he's interrupting her time.
We all need time to ourselves on occasion. It doesn't mean that our relationship is in jeopardy, or that we're tired of our spouse. It's simply a recharge in order to be a better partner and human in general. Perhaps they can each find a solo activity but enjoy it while cuddling in bed together. Or maybe she needs to schedule some book breaks and put them on the schedule, just so he knows that's her time to be alone. A solution is possible that doesn't involve putting the book down.
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