Blending families can be a beautiful thing, but also an extremely complicated one.
One woman thought she had the lay of her relationship when the surprise arrival of her husband's long-lost son turned their world upside down. She shared her story with Reddit, explaining she was willing to roll with the punches, but things have gotten to a tense place.
While the original poster's husband is thrilled to be reunited with his son after 16 years, OP is concerned about his son's ability to function. She fears her husband's desire to make up for lost time is clouding his awareness to some serious issues she wants to address.
OP always knew her husband had a child
"When I (28f) met my husband (38f), he told me he had a child," OP explained.
"When he got divorced from his first wife, he got partial custody. But when he went to the first pick up, they were gone. Eventually, his ex went to prison and his kid ended up in foster care and then placement out in the middle of nowhere with his Ex's mother (a truly terrible woman)."
OP's husband tried to regain custody, but was unable to.
"My husband tried to resume the custody order but was met with a shotgun and told not to come back," OP explained.
"Being broke and not wanting the business end of the shotgun, he left it alone."
OP's stepson showed up on a family member's doorstep
OP explained that no one had any idea whether her husband's son would ever resurface until he appeared.
"Sixteen years later, his son (18m) showed up at my sister in law's house, apparently they lived pretty close to each other. His name had been changed and he had been kicked out of his grandmothers house," she explained.
"He wanted to meet his dad."
OP's husband moved the young man in without a second thought
OP acknowledges the decision wasn't discussed, but also explained she initially didn't have a problem with it.
"My husband immediately said there was no discussion, he was moving in with us. Its everything he's ever wanted," she explained.
"I didn't have a problem with it, he's a nice kid. But when he moved in we made it clear the end goal was to get him a job and teach him basic adulting skills to make him ready to live on his own."
OP's husband's son doesn't have all the skills he needs to make it on his own
OP explained that while he wasn't ready to be out there on his own, it was her goal to help her husband's son grow up and get the skills needed to take care of himself.
"He's never had a job, never taught to drive, never taught basic adult skills like budgeting," she explained.
"He DOES know how to clean, do laundry, dishes, etc."
OP's patience is wearing thin as her stepson doesn't seem to be trying much
OP is trying to be patient and sympathetic to her stepson's situation, but she finds herself getting increasingly frustrated.
"It's just that he is the LAZIEST person I've ever met. He spends almost every waking moment gaming on the ps4," she shared.
"He barely bathes 'because he doesn't go out.'"
OP feels the young adult is making a lot of excuses
"He uses every excuse as to why he can't get a job. 'Well, I'd get fired quickly. I'm not good at talking on the phone. The application wanted my ID but mine's a PICTURE ID … not a drivers license. My resume is at my old house and i don't know the information on it,'" she lamented.
"Its a never-ending stream of excuses, and he doesn't want higher education."
When he's given responsibility, he routinely falls short
"We don't ask him for much, but what we do ask, does not get done properly or at all. If the trash needs taken out, its one of the bags but not the second. If we ask him to load the dishwasher, he'll put a few things that were in the sink but not any of dishes on the stove or beside the sink and leave it empty / never start it before he sprints back to his room again," she explained.
"We have him come back and do the task correctly and we get excuses and attitude. If we have him work at our business doing minor cleanup, he complains for a week about how hard he worked and that his entire body is in agony when he mostly sat in the office that day."
OP is fed up and worried about the future
"I can't imagine going through this day after day for years because thats what its looking like," OP vented.
"My husband is just happy he finally gets to know his son and he blames my feelings about it on the fact that I never wanted kids or roommates. And I feel terrible because my patience is so thin but he's a kid and I just don't know how to deal with kids or teach them stuff. How do I handle this and successfully raise an adult?"
Most commenters agreed that the whole family would benefit from therapy
OP has found themself in a tough situation. They weren't prepared for or anticipating parenting, their spouse hadn't had to actively parent in nearly two decades, and the 18-year-old had bounced between homes and caretakers throughout their life. It's for that reason so many people recommended therapy for all.
"I would be inclined to encourage you two to work with a therapist that specializes in blended families. Your husband needs to learn how to parent and how to keep you prioritized," one commenter wrote.
"I'm not making an excuse—but this kid has been through a lot. It's a reason, not an excuse. And your husband hasn't had any practice dealing with a kid."
Another commenter agreed on several points.
"This is a lot to unpack, but I think it's clear your husband owes a LOT to his long lost child. I'd start with therapy at the very least," they wrote.
"It sounds like his son is suffering from something. Based off of what you’ve just said it could very easily be ADHD (which often has the opposite affect that people expect, looking like laziness etc.) or depression, which is a well documented root cause of some of these behaviors."
"This is a massive life change for everyone involved. But frankly, your husband let his 2 year old be raised by a 'horrible woman' for 16 years. He owes it to his child to get him help."
A commenter suggest OP really look at where she stands in the relationship
"A bomb has been dropped on you here, but there is nothing you can do. Either you come up with a plan for the kid together, or you might as well leave now. It is a long haul, and it is likely it will be years before he is out," one commenter expressed.
"I would think gradually adopting to normal life would be best. Like giving him small responsibilities in exchange for positive experiences. Like if you manage to clean up dinner we go for a driving lesson."
"Help him get his documents in order, maybe get him a resume class at the local libary in exchange for letting him play in peace a whole weekend. Start small, get to know him. He probably doesnt know what his dreams are, and it is your job to help him figure that out."
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