Holiday finances, shopping, meal planning, and managing the motherlode of it all are stressful. Those are all outside forces, though. What if your greatest source of stress during the holiday season is sitting next to you at the dinner table? We’re talking about those challenging family members. The ones who nitpick everything, critique your turkey, hold opposite political views, and have you biting your tongue in front of your kids.
“There are multiple challenges that families may face when gathering for the holidays,” Leanna Stockard, LMFT, LifeStance Health tells LittleThings. “Holidays are often the time when family members from out of town, or family that does not often see each other, finally get together again. When this occurs, families can be faced with all of the different dynamics between family members, whether this has to do with clashing personality types, a difference of opinion on certain topics, or criticisms of where they are in life. These dynamics can be between parents and children, siblings, and even with extended families.”
It's one thing if you have issues with one of your family members, because you can somewhat control the situation. But when your sister’s boyfriend starts arguing politics with your husband, it’s a whole other headache.
“Family members outside of the issues can feel the tension between the other family members and may feel like they need to intervene, either by trying to take sides, trying to mediate the situation, or even trying to actively keep the family members with issues away from each other the whole night,” says Stockard. “Furthermore, if the issues between certain family members are unknown amongst the whole family, discussions of the tension and/or the issues may happen secretly, setting the whole mood of the holiday around the issues and the family members they surround.”
Setting practical boundaries may help.
“It is important to mention that boundaries are OK to set, especially amongst family,” says Stockard. “There are different types of boundaries we can set such as emotional, physical, and verbal. Some examples of boundaries to set are keeping yourself accountable for a time limit of how long you will be attending the gathering, not engaging with family members that you do not like, or even refusing to discuss any hot-button issues.”
Stockard adds, “These boundaries can be set preemptively by telling family members that this is what you are hoping for, and if these boundaries are crossed, you will be leaving; or, they can be set in the moment by saying, ‘I’m not comfortable talking with you about this, please do not bring it up again.’”
It might be hard to tell a family member “no” but Stockard encourages it.
“If you face discomfort outright saying ‘no’ to a family member, there are other ways to phrase it,” says Stockard. “For instance, if someone has asked you to do something, you could say, ‘I’m not comfortable doing that,’ or ‘I would rather do something else.’”
Event hosts may have added pressure when it comes to planning the initial guest list.
“If you are hosting the event and there are certain family members you do not want to invite, it can be helpful to talk with family members who you are close to and utilize them as a confidant or a sounding board to figure out the best way to address the lack of an invite,” says Stockard. “If you do not have someone within your family, you can also talk about this with friends and/or your therapist to gain their perspective and knowledge about the situation.”
It’s better to be proactive, rather than reactive, according to Stockard.
“If you ultimately decide that you do not want to address the issue with these family members, then that is your choice,” says Stockard. “It could face some consequences, including them showing up unannounced, assuming they were invited, or potential questions from other family members as to why they are not there. If you do decide that you want to address it with the family members, I recommend doing it prior to sending out the invitations to the social engagement and not right before the party. This could cause additional issues amongst the family or between you and this family member.”
Having a plan of action to address potential arguments can help.
“You can create this plan of action either on your own or with close family members you trust,” says Stockard. “If and when the arguing occurs, I recommend reminding the arguing family members that this is not an appropriate time to address a disagreement and see if it can wait until later. It is important to be respectful of the rest of the family, and if the conversation needs to happen at that exact moment, I recommend asking the arguing parties to take it to another room, away from the family gathering.”
If kids are present, it’s extra incentive to pour water on the fire. “You can say, ‘Please don’t argue around the kids.’”
Keeping calm amid any chaos is essential to keeping the peace.
“If you face difficulty remaining calm during a family conflict, I recommend taking time and space to yourself before, during, and after a family function, as this can help you feel grounded and at ease going into a family gathering that may result in conflict,” says Stockard. “If you are a part of the conflict, try to engage in the same process of taking time to yourself, and add in deep breathing during the conflict, trying to remind yourself not to get worked up. If you are struggling to remain calm, tell the other person that you need some space, and separate yourself away from them. In the meantime, listen to calming music, watch a funny TV episode, or talk to a close confidant.”
If there is a rift in your family, don’t put the weight of repairing it on your shoulders — unless you were part of the drama.
“If you played a major part in the fallout, acknowledge your accountability and responsibility to the rift, and see if the other parties are open to communicating about it,” says Stockard. “It’s important to remember that it takes two (or more) to communicate. With any conflict, cut yourself some slack, and if the other family members involved are not willing to have conversations, then express that you can respect their decision and are willing to discuss the conflict when they are ready. This also goes for you — if they are wanting to resolve the conflict right away, but you feel that you may not be ready to repair the relationship just yet, that is also OK.”
If you weren’t involved, feel free to set boundaries.
“Ask yourself how much responsibility you want to take in repairing it,” says Stockard. “I recommend taking time to determine if you actually want to get involved, as opposed to feeling like you have to get involved.”
If a holiday gathering marked on your calendar is causing you serious anxiety and stress as the date approaches, there is one surefire way to avoid conflict: Don’t go.
“Remember that you do not need to always attend your family’s holiday gatherings,” says Stockard.
