Dad Tells His Wife That His Mom Doesn’t Have To Be A Grandma If She Doesn’t Really Want To

However, he says that his mom became a much better parent once her children grew up a little:

"She got much better when we were teenagers and we are pretty close now. I don't resent her, because some people just aren't maternal and I did realize it at the time but my dad really needed her career-wise, and she wanted us to have the best of everything."

Now the guy has two young children of his own, and his mom still doesn't really know how to act around them:

"I have two sons 5 and 3, and my mom is still super awkward around kids. They are pretty rowdy and she is always on edge around them. She isn't very physically affection (she loves her clothes and kids equal stains) and she has never offered to babysit. My wife says she isn't a good grandma, which is true but my wife has harassed her about it and told her that it is going to hurt the kids self esteem."

While it's less than ideal that his mom isn't exactly a picture-perfect grandmother, it sounds like the children don't really mind — but the guy's wife, their mother, does:

"The boys don't seem to care about her one way or the other. Maybe they will like her when they are older, maybe not, but it's not like they are tormented by the idea of grandma not loving them. My wife and my mom got into a fight recently and my wife said that if she wants to be in our lives she has to start being a grandmother."

The argument between his wife and mother really blew up:

"My mom got pissed and left. I told my wife that she is being unfair and she had no right to give an ultimatum without discussing it. She said my kids should be a packaged deal and I shouldn't allow my mom to be so disinterested, though interestingly enough she didn't mention my dad who was the fun parent growing up but doesn't give a [expletive] about my kids because he doesn't like other people's kids, so it seems kind of sexist."

For his part, it sounds like the guy is trying to mitigate this conflict and keep things good on both sides, but it's really hard to do that:

"My mom was texting me about how pissed off she was but I told her she can't bad mouth my wife to me and then I told my wife firmly that my mother does not have to be a grandmother. My wife feels like I'm being selfish and not thinking about the kids."

So now he's wondering: Is he being a jerk by letting his mom off the grandparent hook? Quite a few people say absolutely not. Just because his wife wants her children to have a picture-perfect grandmother doesn't mean they'll get one:

"Your wife is way out of line," said one commenter. "People can't fit into perfect boxes just because you want them to. People have all different kinds of relationships with their grandmothers, because grandmothers are all so different. Your wife is trying to force your mother to be someone she's just not."

While the idea of having a grandmother who is super invested in the lives of her grandchildren is definitely an appealing one, that's not how it works for a lot of people. And really, that's just life. Another person shared their own experience with two very different grandmothers:

"My grandmother on my Mom's side (Nana) was the 'fun' grandma. She would always give us gifts and spent a lot of time with us.

“My grandmother on my Dad’s side, though, was much different. In hindsight, she was the type of person who felt that she raised her kids and, as such, was done dealing with kids. She wasn’t cruel, she wasn’t mean, but she wasn’t close and didn’t spend a lot of time with us.”

Others agreed that his mom might even be the actual victim here:

"She may not be comfortable around kids and guess what that is ok," said a commenter. "Not everyone is. But it sounds like everyone has hated her for what she isn't from day one. Your dad used her, you guys treated her like [expletive], your wife is cruel to her and it looks like history will repeat itself with your kids. This is all really unhealthy. The biggest [expletive] here is your dad who has been given a pedestal at the price of your mom and your wife who is being toxic."

Others really liked this perspective, and celebrated the idea that we are all different people who will form relationships in different ways:

"Exactly. What is so wrong with being different," noted another commenter. "The kids my grow up to love getting fashion advice from their grandmother, and go shopping and out to fancy restaurants, and spa days (or whatever she likes to do). There is no one size fits all on what a grandma 'should' be. It's just a person, who has kids, who have kids… as long as she is not actually abusive, your wife is WAY out of line, and owes your mother a MASSIVE apology."

This is a really valid point, and a conversation worth having. It might be that the wife and the man's mom just have really different ideas about raising kids, having grandchildren, and how to navigate everything that comes with each. That's OK; that's life. You can't force people to agree with you, and you can't make them do everything you want them to do.

Another commenter flipped the script, asking if the man would consider "forcing" his wife to behave in a way that she wouldn't want to:

"To force her to be uncomfortable and be in a box is really sad. You wouldn't try to force stereotypical dynamics on your wife would you? Like she should be able to cook, clean, raise a gaggle of kids, and be able to host a dinner party at the drop of a dime. Grandma is not affectionate, but she is loving. The fact that she is angry that your wife is trying to do this is proof enough. She still comes through to see your kids even though you know she is slightly uncomfortable with their behaviors. She still obviously loves you."