Going into labor is always a little scary — even if you've been dreaming of the day for weeks. Women hear so many horror stories about giving birth, and no situation is the same. Women do often make birth plans, but those plans only happen as imagined a handful of times. When babies want to come out, they won't wait for you to get an epidural first.
One woman asked Reddit if she was in the wrong after the birth of her son. While going into labor, her thought process on the whole ordeal changed. She realized she may have made a mistake as to whom she wanted in the room with her.
"We had an agreement before that my husband would be by my side during the delivery," Redditor NDC1257 wrote. "When the moment comes, I suddenly had a change of mind and started to miss my mother desperately as if I would never see her again. I knew she had lessons that day but wanted her by my side, so I asked my husband to call and drive her here."
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To many, this seems like a reasonable request. For many women, labor can last for hours — so it was possible that her husband wouldn't miss anything.
However, the plan didn't go as she had hoped. "When my husband came back maybe an hour later, he came back with his mother, not mine," the original poster (OP) wrote. "He explained that my mother was in a middle of a lecture and he was afraid that they could not make it in time before she sums it up, so he drove his own mother who lived nearer instead."
For many women in labor, this would be enough to bring on tears.
And that's exactly what happened to the OP. She was so distraught that her mom wasn't there that she more or less had a tantrum. "I got angry and started wailing uncontrollably, crying for my mother like a child," she said. "The nurses ended up removing him and I had no family beside me during the whole unpleasant process. I continued to cry even after seeing my son and only stopped when my mother finally arrived much later."
But that wasn't all. When her mom finally arrived, she told the OP that the husband didn't put that much effort into getting her to come to the hospital. "According to her my husband did not call her, instead left her a message and she only saw it after dismissal," she explained.
"Now thinking back that was extremely embarrassing and I had no idea how I lost it like that," she said. "I feel sorry that he was not able to witness the process because of my last-minute change of mind (it was supposed to be just me and him) and he expressed his disappointment too. However, I am also angry that he did not bother to make an effort to let me see my mother when I felt I needed her and instead took this chance to bring his own mother."
While she may not have behaved all that elegantly, most of Reddit agreed — it's hard to keep your emotions in check when you're in labor. And oftentimes, when giving birth, you have such little control over what's going on. To also lose control over her mom being there may have hit extra hard.
However, it also may have been hard for her husband to truly understand how much this meant to her. He could have been a little confused. While he's not the one giving birth and has the much easier job of the two, he's still about to have a child. So it also makes sense if he failed to recognize how important it was that he get this job right.
Still, based on the situation in itself, most sided with the OP. Especially since her husband likely knew that his mom wasn't going to be a good alternative. In fact, showing up without a mom would have likely been better, since at least they could have gone through with their original plan as-is.
Redditor fleur2012 actually thinks that the OP handled things OK. "I wouldn't have reacted the same…..the nurse wouldn't have needed to remove them," the commenter wrote. "They would have run when I started throwing things at them. Labour is such a [expletive] vulnerable time. You do whatever you need to get through that moment and his job was to also do whatever you (the person in pain) needed. He should be ashamed, not you."
A lot of people feel as if the husband was definitely in the wrong since he didn't try hard enough. There were better ways he could have tried to get in touch with her mom. Surely, even if she was in the middle of work, there would be a way to get her on the phone in case of an emergency. From there, her mom could have confirmed whether or not she was actually able to be there.
Chipdipper99 recalls how labor can really amplify your mood, sharing her own story. "After I had my daughter, the nurse brought me a sandwich and handed it to my husband," she wrote. "He accidentally thought it was for him, and started eating it. I started crying when I saw him do that, and I couldn't stop."
Other Redditors made a point to mention that it may have been hard for the husband to miss out on the birth. However, to be fair, it doesn't seem like that was the OP's true decision. "You didn't directly make him leave, the nurse did for the sake of your stress levels which was reasonable," said ZelGalande. "At that point assuming there was now no longer time for him to go back for your mom and return in time, having your husband there would only make your stress levels worse because you were upset."
Redditor NurseWhoLovesTV piped in and said that that was all part of the job — and happens more than people may realize. "I speak from experience, it's just another day at the office as the nurse," the nurse wrote. "It's not uncommon at all to be put in the middle of a family drama and I would do the same as that nurse did for OP. Do what's best for the patient and kick out whoever is making them feel worse. I have no problem being the 'bad guy' when it comes to advocating for the patient."
While the situation was unfortunate, it seems like a lot of things fell apart at the last minute. In moments of weakness or pain, many of us wish our moms were by our side. For those of us who still have a great relationship with our moms, it's a reasonable request. It's also tough to try to predict how you'll react when the big moment happens.
If you're about to give birth, you might want to make sure to set up some of these arrangements in advance. If the OP's mom knew she might be on call that day, it's possible she would have traveled there herself — or at least, guaranteed to her daughter that work wouldn't be in the way. Secondly, it's important for any partners to know specific wishes, along with specific situations that shouldn't happen.
While the husband may have been caught off guard due to the sudden change of plans, the two could have had a better way of communicating. But it's good that there seems to be no hard feelings now that the day has passed. No matter what, her mom was able to visit her at the hospital. It might not have been much, but for 2020 regulations, she still got pretty lucky.
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