Losing a spouse is one of the hardest things that some people go through. It's even tougher when it's a death you couldn't prepare for. Even though childbirth is a beautiful thing, it can often be very scary for the mother. While a natural process, women can suffer from complications that can lead to death. It's rare — but for many families, it's a very real conclusion to what should have been a happy time. And for kids, knowing your mom died based on circumstances around your birth can be heartbreaking.
A father of two posted to Reddit's popular "Am I the A**hole?" forum about five years after losing his wife in such a fashion. He recently remarried, but he knew he wouldn't be able to avoid more questions from his two children. In his eyes, he'd been avoiding it because he didn't want to make his youngest feel any guilt over what happened.
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Although his first wife died, her friend group is still an active part of his life. Prior to her death, they were like sisters. And one of those "sisters," referred to as Faith in the post, was still very close to the kids. "The group of friends, Faith included, were there for me," the poster said. Faith is also the godmother of his oldest child.
"I met my current wife and we married this year," he wrote. "Through a lot of conversations, we finally decided it was time to answer my kids' questions about how their mom died. In the past, I told them that she got sick and passed away, which is technically true. But I never went into detail. They're 5 & 7."
It's an especially dark story for a child — and may lead to feelings of doubt, guilt, remorse, or simply depression. While his youngest didn't openly cause her death, her arrival played a part. That's a lot for someone to process. "I didn't want my son blaming my daughter," he said. "I didn't want my daughter to have any guilt."
He chose to get a professional involved. "I finally decided to get them a therapist to talk about it," he said. However, with everything happening in the world, they all had to wait a month for their first appointment. He told the plans to Faith, who had her own idea of how things should go.
"She told me I should tell them, not a therapist," he wrote. "I said I'd rather have a professional's help. Faith was really against it but I didn't think much of it…until I came home from work and found out that she had told my kids. A child-friendly version ('mommy got sick when having daughter') but a version nonetheless."
It's possible that Faith was trying to play the role of mom. But nobody asked her to — and their father should have full say. If anyone were to try to take that motherly role, it might be their new stepmother, who seemed open to explaining the situation in kind ways that the kids could grasp.
The father became livid. "I've banned her from the house and seeing the kids, while trying to help my kids emotionally process this," he wrote. "My wife is looking at nannies. The rest of the friend group says I overreacted, that Faith was just trying to help. I say it wasn't her place."
As time has gone on, he's even started to sour toward the entire group of friends. "I told them if they keep it up, I'll cut them all off," he said. "I'm so furious. My wife has told me that I'm starting to go too far." But it makes sense. It's a sensitive topic, and he and his wife — not Faith — are the ones who have to deal with the emotional aftermath.
And, according to the poster, there was definitely an emotional aftermath to the reveal. "My son is upset and not talking to his sister," he said. "My daughter is confused. They haven't noticed Faith is gone." If things had gone his way, he would have had a few sessions with the therapist and the kids until he felt comfortable discussing the circumstance with them.
Then, after a few sessions, he was going to reveal the news. By then, they'd be in a safe and loving environment and have the counselor right there to help them ease into the reality of the situation. Faith, who might have had good intentions, clearly overstepped the boundaries.
Reddit was almost in full agreement. "Faith might have had 'good intentions,' but that under no circumstances gives her the right to talk to someone else's children about how one of their bio parents passed away," Redditor Jroostah said. Hopefully, Faith realizes that she caused more harm than good.
Redditor PoweredByCarbs had a similar thought. "She not only overstepped in a massive way, and put the kids at potential risk for emotional harm – she has clearly demonstrated she doesn't respect your ability to parent," the commenter wrote. "Even after you told her your plan and give her a reason when she questioned you (which is already more than should have been required), she decided you were wrong and didn't know how to raise your kids as well as she did. That's something that isn't going to go away, she will continue to question you and overstep."
It's also very likely that the children's mother didn't have a game plan for how she wanted things to go. Most women don't plan on dying during childbirth, and given the situation, it's unclear if she knew what was happening at the time. So it's unfair to say that Faith was overstepping as a favor to her deceased friend.
While many believed the "good intentions" remarks, Redditor judge1492 had the opposite reaction: "The funny thing is… I don't think she had good intentions. She was told exactly what [the original poster, OP] wanted and planned. Then she completely disregarded it. She thought she knew better and had the right to make a decision that belonged to OP. This is such a huge invasion of trust."
It's a shame for the kids to have to lose another female figure in their lives, but it makes sense. Faith knew about the plan and reportedly didn't apologize for what she did. It's hard for the father to be able to trust her after this. He had a healthy idea of how to embrace the topic, but she thought it was her place to engage.
This should be a reminder for all adults. Men are completely capable of making parenting decisions on their own when they're left in charge. And even if you don't agree with the choices one makes, it's the parent's responsibility to choose. By intervening when you're not needed, you may end up losing a dear friend's trust.
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