When a couple who have children divorce, they usually have to spend a lot of time figuring out two key things: their custody arrangement and if one partner will pay the other child support and/or spousal support. Sometimes, the agreement is one each partner is happy to stick to, but other times, one partner feels like it needs to be changed.
One woman is in the latter situation, as she's recently shared that she's thinking of asking her ex-husband for back child support. The problem is that when they divorced 10 years ago, she agreed to no child support if he paid for day care.
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But since then, a lot of things have changed, and now she's wondering if her new request is reasonable.
First, she gives the details behind the divorce.
The woman shares that she and her ex divorced 10 years ago after he cheated:
"I (36F) share two daughters (16 and 18) with my ex husband (42M). I was very young when I married him and he, clearly, is a little older than me. I became pregnant shortly after we were married and then took care of our two daughters while I attended college. We divorced ten years ago after he had an affair."
Since then, everyone has remarried.
"At the time of our divorce, I moved into an apartment with the girls and he moved in with his mother. Since then, I have purchased a home and remarried. He also has remarried, but continues to live with his mother while his wife lives with her mother."
They had an understanding that he quickly went back on.
At first, they both agreed that her ex would cover day care in lieu of paying child support:
"At first, I agreed to no child support as long as he paid the day care bill so I could work. He agreed to this, then over time told me that his mother would babysit the girls for free. The girls began spending the days with his mom and then he was not paying anything."
When that changed, she asked that he help in the future.
She didn't want to jeopardize their care arrangement, so she asked him to contribute to college in the future:
"I feared losing childcare, so I did [not] argue with him so long as to not rock the boat. I simply asked that he help pay for their college when they got older to which he agreed."
Then one of their kids got hurt.
When one of their daughters was 7, she got hurt while at her grandmother's house:
"When our youngest was seven, while under the care of his mother, she was hit by a car and lost her permanent front teeth as well as suffered a few other injuries. I did not have health insurance and had to ask for state assistance and the state issued a child support order for $400 a month. I declined to have the sate enforce it because he cried to me that he couldn't afford that. I told him I wouldn't worry about it so long as he helped replace her teeth when she was old enough."
Of course, he refused to pay for any other child care.
The mom didn't want her kids with his mother anymore since she felt it wasn't safe, but he refused to pay for any other child care:
"At this point, his mother also stopped watching the children since I could no longer trust her to keep an eye on them. He never paid the childcare bill after this because he said it was my choice to not bring them to his mom."
Now he barely sees his own kids.
"Over time, as the girls have gotten older, he has stopped spending as much time with them, also, citing that his current wife is unable to have kids of her own and it makes her sad to see him spend time with kids he shares with another woman. They see him maybe 5 days a month and only if I drive them to him."
Now the kids are older, and she's asking for the help he promised.
Ten years later, it's time for the help he said he would give.
"All these years later, my youngest is old enough for her replacement teeth and her sister is going to graduate high school and be off to college. He is now saying they are old enough to get jobs and pay for their own things and he doesn't understand why he should have to help."
So ... she's taking legal action.
She's decided to ask for all the child support he never paid:
"I have decided to get a lawyer and seek full payment for the $400/month he has owed but not paid in the last 9 years. I figure this will help with college and the teeth since he will not do so willingly."
People were quick to come down hard.
One person noted that her ex hasn't done anything he said he would:
"He is flaking on his end of the agreement you guys made. So do you gotta do what you gotta do."
However, people didn't let her off the hook, either.
Plenty of people pointed out that child support is for the kids, not the partners, and the mom should have pushed harder to get it. As one commenter noted:
"You too but not because you're requesting what's owed but because you absolved him of his responsibility in the first place. He owed that money to his children not you and accordingly you had no right to absolve him of that obligation or even entertain the notion."
The woman said they're right.
The mom was quick to say that she agrees with this assessment of her actions:
"I think I was mostly afraid at the time that if I tried to go after the child support, he would either take my children from me or just completely vanish from their lives and I wanted them to have both their parents."
Ultimately, people think she's right to pursue what she needs.
One commenter summed it up:
"He's a user and has broken every promise he's made in regards to his children. Go after him and get the money your kids need."
