In an emotional tribute to her late mother, Billie Lourd reflected on how her grief affects her in different ways every year. This year, on what would’ve been Carrie Fisher’s 68th birthday, 32-year-old Lourd wrote, “Just felt sad.” Fisher died in December 2016 at age 60 after going into cardiac arrest on a flight from London to Los Angeles. Per the Los Angeles County Coroner’s Office, the Star Wars actress died due to sleep apnea and other undetermined factors. Fisher had multiple substances in her system at the time of her death, including cocaine and opiates. However, it’s not clear if the drugs contributed to her death, People reported at the time.
The coroner also noted that Fisher struggled with atherosclerotic heart disease and “drug use.” In a vulnerable post on Oct. 21, which would’ve been Fisher’s 68th birthday, her daughter Billie Lourd said that she tries to celebrate her late mom, but this year, she was simply sad.
“My mom would’ve been 68 today. Dead person birthdays are weird to say the least. On my mom’s birthday every year, I try to celebrate her as much as possible, but today I really wanted to celebrate her with her,” Lourd wrote. “Some years my grief makes me feel the warmth of her love, some years it makes me angry, some years I feel numb but today when I woke up I just felt sad. I didn’t want to celebrate, I just wanted my mom.”
Lourd revealed that her sadness prompted her to Google “average death age woman” and “drug overdose deaths.”
“My sadness bodysnatched me so I googled ‘average death age woman’ (ooohhh what a fun google billie!!! I promise the rest of my google search history has a sliightly more fun vibe?!) and google said it was 80.2. My mom died when she was 60. 60 is too d— young to die,” Lourd wrote in her emotional Instagram post.
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Her second Google search reminded her that drug addiction is something that many people struggle with. Though Lourd said “sadly my mom couldn’t ever escape her addiction,” she noted that her mom helped raise awareness while she was alive. “She always shared the ups and downs of that struggle with others in hopes it would help them escape their own addiction,” Lourd wrote. “As an addict, being open about the struggle is the only way through.”
Being open about the impacts of drug addiction can also help people who have lost someone to drug addiction, she continued in the post. “And same goes for those of us affected by that struggle,” Lourd wrote. “Sending my love to anyone out there who has lost someone to drug addiction. You are not alone. ❤️”
In 2017, after the Los Angeles County medical examiner’s office released information about the cause of Fisher’s death, Lourd spoke about how talking about mental health, drug addiction and other challenges could help decrease stigma.
“My mom battled drug addiction and mental illness her entire life,” Lourd said in a statement shared with People at the time. “She ultimately died of it. She was purposefully open in all of her work about the social stigmas surrounding these diseases.”
“She talked about the shame that torments people and their families confronted by these diseases,” Lourd continued. “I know my Mom, she’d want her death to encourage people to be open about their struggles. Seek help, fight for government funding for mental health programs. Shame and those social stigmas are the enemies of progress to solutions and ultimately a cure. Love you Momby.”
