Black Wife Tells White Spouse He Should Have ‘Married A White Woman’ After Fight Over Hair

Her hair was shorter in the past, so her nighttime routine was different. She's growing it out now and has started applying oils before bed. In an effort to keep her pillowcase nice, she's started wrapping her hair. Wrapping is a super-common technique used by many Black women (and women who have curly hair in general), and it's not a particularly dramatic thing to do. It's all about taking care of your hair and keeping it healthy.

"I used to sleep on a satin pillowcase when my hair was shorter and had a lower chance of tangling while I tossed and turned in my sleep. But recently I've added oils to my nightly routine and since my hair is a bit past my shoulders now, the chances of it tangling are higher and I don't want my pillowcases to get soaked with oils so I started wrapping my hair up again."

Her husband immediately had a really inappropriate response:

"First night I wore it my husband said that I looked like a slave which- ok was a little bit funny and a little bit true in my scarf and nightgown combo so I let him have that one. But since then, it's the little comments when I get into bed. Like 'are we doing the slave tonight?' Or 'should I help you into bed grandma?' Little things like that. I've explained why l do it, and I think he understands that but he simply doesn't like it and my hope was that he'd get used to it by now."

This is pretty startling, because her husband is committing repeated microaggressions against her simply for doing what she needs to for her hair. More than just an average insult, microaggressions are remarks and actions that hurt others because they are designed to stigmatize a person's membership in specific group.

In this case, her husband is reacting to the way she cares for her hair, but many Black women will tell you this is part of their process, too. Instead of making fun of his wife for something he doesn't fully understand, her husband should probably learn a little more about how his wife cares for her hair.

She says that things have come to a tipping point because her husband is now actively hiding her headscarf:

"Last night I was getting ready for bed and I couldn't find my scarf anywhere so I asked DH [dear husband] if he'd seen it and he admitted that [he] hid it but wouldn't tell me where. He wouldn't stop joking around even when I got visibly upset and said he wished he could run his fingers through my hair or something along those lines and I snapped and said if he wanted that he should have married a white woman."

That really shook her husband up. She explained:

"He got really quiet after that and told me where he hid it. We haven't talked much about it but there's this air of awkwardness. The only times he mentioned it was this morning when he said that we should look into counseling for our 'race issues' and that I made him feel really racist and I didn't think about it that way."

She's not exactly interested in going to counseling, and now she isn't sure what to do:

"I thought he was upset because I yelled at him but I didn't think it was the statement itself (granted I probably should not have brought race into it but I wanted to illustrate a point.) Now he's suggesting couples counseling to get through our 'race issues'? I don't think it was that serious and I don't want to go through all that."

There's a whole lot going on here, but first and foremost it should be pointed out that her husband has said some seriously inappropriate things. In fact, one commenter agrees with exactly that:

"…saying your black wife looks like a slave is [expletive] weird and racist. Trying to control how you style your hair is weird. Being so bothered by a headscarf is weird. I think he's the only one with 'race issues' that he's projecting on to you."

Another person agrees, and thinks it's good that the woman called out her husband's actions as racist:

"This, I'm pretty sure his comments count as microagressions. OP [the original poster] called him out on something he couldn't see was racist, so now he is projecting the race factor into her comment. I think that counseling is a good idea, he needs to learn how to accept OP's qualities that come with the fact that she is black."

Others pointed out that not only is his behavior racist, it's also kind of sexist:

"Definitely some gender issues going on here, too. He wants her to look a certain way when she goes to bed? And he'll steal her stuff in order to make sure she meets his visual standards for bedtime? Good grief."

Another person said that she's white and has a similar hair care routine before bed … and that the problem is clearly with the original woman's husband:

"He's being racist and also ignorant. White people with straight hair can have a hair care routine. I do modified curly girl routine and if I have oils in my hair I will sleep with a scarf on. He needs to grow up and start respecting your self-care routine."

Others encouraged the woman not to fall for the husband's line:

"And don't fall for that 'what you said made me feel really racist' whine. What he said made him feel racist because it was racist. Doesn't mean he's racist himself, but he doesn't get to complain about you pointing out that what he said was [expletive]. The fact that he went straight to wanting to counseling makes me wonder what else is going on in his head though."

Many people agree that counseling is a good idea, but perhaps not for the reasons that the woman's husband thinks:

"HE brought race into it the moment he started commenting on your hair and how it needs to be taken care of. Find a Black couple's counselor and get him to read some articles on the connection between racism and white attitudes/assumptions about Black hair, especially for women. It can be easy to second guess ourselves when it comes to confronting the ones we love, but I think that is very necessary in this case."

Hopefully, the woman will be able to confront her partner and explain why his comments are hurtful. Then, if they choose to, they can move forward in their marriage with a stronger foundation and a better understanding of who they each are, and what their needs and habits are like.