Chrissy Teigen has had a rough year. The former model, who was once beloved for her quick Twitter comebacks, found herself in the midst of some heated criticism after proof emerged that she had bullied young aspiring celebrities on social media.
But even more powerful, Chrissy was dealing with the backlash while also trying to work her way through a loss. Chrissy was pregnant with her third child, whom she and husband John Legend were going to name Jack, when she learned that her pregnancy would not be viable. The couple announced the news on September 30, 2020.
Coming up on the one-year anniversary of the tragic loss, Chrissy chose to share some words about the experience, and how much things have changed since.
She shared a picture of herself crying with John by her side at the hospital. "To the son we almost had," she wrote. "A year ago you gave me the greatest pain I could ever imagine to show me I could survive anything, even if I didn't want to."
"I didn't get to take care of you but you came and went to get me to love myself and take care of myself because our bodies are precious and life is a miracle," she continued. "They told me it would get easier but yeah, that hasn't started yet. Mom and dad love you forever."
It seems like the anniversary of Jack's death also falls around National Sons Day, which Chrissy also celebrated for son Miles. Both Miles and her daughter, Luna, were conceived by IVF. Chrissy's pregnancy with Jack came as a surprise, but she had previously mentioned wanting to expand her family.
Chrissy, who reportedly suffers from endometriosis, also had to come to terms with her infertility after the loss of Jack. She also blamed her "super weak" placenta, which she once told People was also a factor in her pregnancies with Luna and Miles. Attempting to carry another child could lead to similar heartbreak.
"It's always been kind of the bad part of my pregnancies with Luna," she said. "With Miles, it just stopped feeding him. It stopped taking care of him. I was stealing all his food because I was getting huge but he wasn't getting big at all, so he had to come out early and Luna had to come out early. I was induced both times."
John also expressed how views of your partner change after going through pregnancy and parenting struggles. "[Parenthood] deepens your love for your partner because you see them in a different light going through, in our case, the trouble of actually having a kid," he said. "Then Chrissy's going through postpartum depression. You just see different sides of that person, and if you go through it and you learn from it and you come out the other end better for it, then it deepens and strengthens your relationship."
While Chrissy may one day explore other avenues to expand her family, it can be crushing to know that you'll never be pregnant again. "Coming to terms with not being able to carry again is still really difficult for me because I feel so healthy," she said. "I'm like, why? But then I think about it as my uterus is just not cooperating with me — and it's not a failure."
Chrissy made the choice to be open about the loss, penning an article on Medium. That article was published around a month after Jack's death. In it, she was raw, explaining emotions that only parents of stillborns and miscarriages can really understand. Coming out about it was brave, since it's a common topic that's still so rarely talked about.
"My doctors diagnosed me with partial placenta abruption," she noted in the piece. "I had always had placenta problems. I had to deliver Miles a month early because his stomach wasn't getting enough food from my placenta. But this was my first abruption."
"After a couple nights at the hospital, my doctor told me exactly what I knew was coming — it was time to say goodbye," she said. "He just wouldn't survive this, and if it went on any longer, I might not either. We had tried bags and bags of blood transfusions, every single one going right through me like we hadn't done anything at all. Late one night, I was told it would be time to let go in the morning. I cried a little at first, then went into full blown convulsions of snot and tears, my breath not able to catch up with my own incredibly deep sadness. Even as I write this now, I can feel the pain all over again."
Knowing that you're going to lose a baby is one of the hardest things that anyone can go through. Some women may assume it's their fault. Others may feel like they'll never be complete. It's a huge moment in life that will shape you forever, and it's something that nobody deserves to go through.
This day will always be emotional for Chrissy, but it's also important to remember that you likely know someone who's in the same shoes. The more we talk about infant loss, the more we can process it together. Hopefully, Chrissy realizes that she did everything she could — and that she took care of Jack to the best of her abilities.
