Finances bring out the weird in people. There's something about money that brings about sensitivities and competition.
A lot of times, conversations about money can get ugly. That's especially true in relationships. One woman learned this the hard way while looking for an apartment with her longtime boyfriend.
Apartment hunting requires some financial paperwork, during which the original poster (OP) and her partner had to share their income, she explained on Reddit. It was then that he discovered a recent job change put her in the position to be making more than he did for the first time ever. He didn't take well to the news, launching a much bigger problem.
A woman took to Reddit after a frustrating experience with a longtime boyfriend. The two were college sweethearts.
"Tim and I met in an English literature class our junior year of college, and we’ve been together the ten years since," she explained.
"While he ended up going into IT, I stayed in the liberal arts track and ended up doing non-profit work after college when I realized I didn't actually want to be a schoolteacher."
The two always believed his career would be the more lucrative of the two. "Just to say that we always assumed he’d out-earn me by a considerable margin, though when he made more I always insisted we split things evenly to avoid potential resentment down the road," she explained.
"I've had sort of a non-linear career path, but ended up switching to the corporate world. To make a long story short, my liberal arts degree and time doing non-profit work gave me a lot of skills that enable me to really excel professionally in some more niche areas."
A new job changed their dynamic, but OP decided to keep it to herself.
"I recently started a new job as a consultant, making way more than I'd ever anticipated," she noted.
"When I got the offer, I told Tim that the pay was 'amazing', but he didn’t ask about the actual amount and I didn’t want to be braggy about it, especially since I was fairly sure it was above his current income."
Things were fine until the two started looking for a new apartment. "Well we just put in an application for a new place, and in the process of having to submit our paystubs it's become obvious that I make roughly 30% more than he does now," she noted.
"I expected him to think that was cool, since he's a feminist and has always been super supportive of my career. But instead he's started to make increasingly harsh jabs about how I 'cheated the system' to get where I am, that no English lit major makes more than a cyber security professional without cheating somehow."
OP hoped he was just kidding around, but it quickly became clear he was serious. "His major point is that I got my first job out of nepotism, which set me up to 'trample' more qualified people who didn’t have the same advantages," she explained.
"It's true that I got my first post-college job after being referred by a sorority sister, but it was for non-profit work making 22k/yr, not exactly at somebody's daddy's firm. He also points out that at my first corporate job, I snagged a big promotion after volunteering to take on starting up the company's diversity/equity/inclusion program, and I'll admit that were I a white man, it's highly unlikely I would have been able to be the face of the eventually high-profile diversity program. Tim also notes that I was awarded a small college scholarship for being a 'promising female writer', when no such scholarship existed for males."
While OP acknowledges she had some things to help her along the way, it's not the same as the experiences of her straight white male partner. "But all that said … I still don't feel like I cheated the system, and it makes me angry to listen to him 'joke' about it, especially since I grew up blue collar and worked fulltime while going to school fulltime to afford my degree," she admitted.
"I reached a breaking point yesterday when he made a crack about how the new/first woman on his team is an obvious diversity hire. I told him that his jokes about women cheating the system to get ahead aren’t funny or 'guy-talk ribbing' as he says, they make him sound like an insecure little boy. He told me I was being a naïve Karen and we haven't really talked since yesterday. Did I go too far?"
Most people pointed out that there's no way OP's partner is a feminist. If anything, it's quite the opposite.
"Dump him. He's sexist and toxic toward women. Imagine you have kids with him someday wtf," one person wrote.
"Using people you know to find jobs is 100% normal and called networking. Cybersecurity is not some top dog where no one earns more than that field. His attitude toward your major is gross.
"Getting a promotion because you volunteered and showed initiative on new programs and showed interest in the company is also normal. There are plenty of scholarships out there. Winning a scholarship does not somehow mean you took advantage."
Another person pointed out that the problems in this relationship likely go far deeper than just the money issue.
"I can't imagine being with someone for 10 years and not telling them how much money I make. Even if you split your finances and have separate accounts it's important to know how much money you're bringing in," the commenter noted.
"It sounds to me like you guys have a real problem with communication that needs to be fixed if you intend to stay with him (I wouldn't, but that's just me. I can't imagine my husband being jealous and accusatory if I made more than him – he’d be happy for me and for us)."
One person decided to plead OP's partner's case, saying that this situation is solvable.
"Be a mature adult about it, explain to him how it makes you feel and how you perceive him when he says stuff like that. Don't attack him but try to get him to understand you. Try to understand his emotions too and ask him to explain why he feels the need to say things like that," they wrote.
"You're in a relationship, help each other and grow. Ignore all these people that hear one out of tens of thousands of aspects of your relationship and instantly condemn it."
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