Growing up, I did not miss having a father. How could I? Is it even possible to miss something you’ve never had? Excuse me while I go ask Google. Hmm, apparently you can miss something you’ve never had because there’s a word for it in Portuguese: saudade. It’s one of those words that can’t be translated into English, but kinda sorta means “a deep emotional state of melancholic longing for a person or thing that is absent.”
I definitely didn’t feel saudade for my missing father when I was a child. I was like, "Whatever, I know I have a dad out there somewhere, but I'm fine without him. I'm not missing anything." And trust me when I say that I 100% believed that I was not missing a dang thing. But now that I am an adult and a mother, I do miss the father I never had, to the point of tears sometimes. I feel that untranslatable saudade especially on Father’s Day, when we enthusiastically celebrate my daughters’ father.
I started missing my father when I had kids of my own.
It wasn’t until my husband and I had children that I even realized how great having a father could be. Up until then, sure, I had been around fathers and their children, but I just didn’t feel like I was missing out on anything.
Seeing my husband be such a phenomenal father does make me feel saudade, and to be honest, I’m so glad I never felt it as a child, and I’m so glad that my daughters will never feel it in regard to their father.
It feels like a blessing that when I was growing up:
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I didn’t miss my father’s arms wrapping around me and comforting me when I was scared or hurt or just needed love.
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I didn’t miss him providing me with a different perspective than my mother’s.
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I didn’t miss him staying up all night with me when I was sick.
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I didn’t miss him celebrating my accomplishments.
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I didn’t miss him teaching me how to cook.
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I didn’t miss him sharing his childhood stories with me.
What I didn't have:
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I didn’t miss feeling intense excitement when he got home from work.
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I didn’t miss him buying me presents just because.
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I didn’t miss him doing things that bring me joy, even when he doesn’t really like those things.
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I didn’t miss seeing him love my mother.
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I didn’t miss seeing him work his butt off to get us to a better place financially.
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I didn’t miss his disappointment when I did something I shouldn’t have done.
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I didn’t miss his silly dances.
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I didn’t miss playing video games with him.
I didn't miss him.
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I didn’t miss him worrying about my future.
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I didn’t miss him showing up in the present even when he was exhausted.
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I didn’t miss his sweet nicknames for me.
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I didn’t miss having to yell at him to “Stop it!” when I was tired of being hugged.
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I didn’t miss him saying “sorry” when he realized he was wrong.
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I didn’t miss him asking me how my day was and actually listening.
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I didn’t miss him showing me how to make butter.
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I didn’t miss him teaching me how to skateboard or ride a bike.
I didn't miss him letting me have a dog.
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I didn’t miss him looking at me like I am the most fascinating person in the world.
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I didn’t miss him letting me get a puppy even though he is a cat person.
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I didn’t miss his patience.
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I didn’t miss his praise.
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I didn’t miss his wisdom.
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I didn’t miss his kindness.
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I didn’t miss the way he falls asleep on the sofa with me next to him.
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I didn’t miss him leaving me messages on a chalkboard in our kitchen.
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I didn’t miss him opening a bank account for me.
I didn't miss him dealing with grief.
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I didn’t miss him insisting we are a "no shoes indoors" household.
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I didn’t miss him taking me to where he was born.
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I didn’t miss seeing him have to deal with grief and still showing up for me.
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I didn’t miss him pushing me to do things that are out of my comfort zone.
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I didn’t miss him putting me to bed whenever I asked him to.
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I didn’t miss him listening to me tell him about my dreams and nightmares.
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I didn’t miss the way he smells.
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I didn’t miss the way he teases.
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I didn't miss him telling me he loves me every single day, multiple times a day.
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I didn’t miss anything about him, but now I know I missed so much.
Can you imagine how awful it would have been?
Can you imagine how awful it would have been for me as a child who grew up without a father to have missed all these things and more? I thank the universe for sparing me from missing all the things my father could have given me. I also thank the universe for leading me to a man who turned out to be an amazing father.
My daughters are so blessed.
My daughters are so blessed, and they don’t even know it, because all they’ve ever known is the abundance of their father. They have never had to do without. But I know. I know just how lucky they are, and that’s why every Father’s Day since I became a mother, I feel what I now know to be called saudade.
