Getting engaged is a really exciting time for a lot of couples. There's so much to look forward to: planning the wedding together, celebrating with your loved ones (in person or on Zoom!), and, of course, enjoying your life as a married couple.
But sometimes the engagement can be a little tainted, especially if other people step in with their own thoughts about how the proposal went, or even about the engagement ring.
One man recently opened up on Reddit about what happened after he proposed to his girlfriend. She was thrilled with the proposal and her ring until her mother stepped in with a few disparaging comments about the cost of the ring — $3,000. Now he's wondering if he should propose with a new ring.
They've been having this conversation for a year.
He starts off by noting that he and his partner have been talking about getting engaged for about a year:
"My partner and I have been talking about getting engaged for the last year or so. I have quite a good job so could easily afford an expensive engagement ring and if I was following the 10% rule then I should spend around 10-15k on the ring."
Obviously, it hasn't been an easy year for anyone.
He mentions the "10% rule," meaning that he feels he should have spent 10% of his income on a ring. But his family has been sick, so he didn't want to stretch his resources:
"However, my parents, sister and nephew have all had [the virus] this year so I was financially supporting all of them for a while, my sister has lost her job so I'm still supporting her a bit and my job has announced that they will be laying off around 150 people next year and while I feel confident that I'm not one of them, I don't want to guarantee it either."
So he spent $3,000 on the ring.
"So long story short I spent about 3k on a nice little white gold ring with diamonds and a sapphire(her birthstone). Initially she was very happy with it until her mother(a jeweller) called it cheap. She has since given it back to me and accused me of undervaluing her and what she does for me (she's a SAHM to our 18 month old, and does the majority of the cooking/cleaning because i work long hours)."
Interjection: How much Americans spend on engagement rings
On average, Americans spend $5,900 on engagement rings. However, a third of respondents to a poll on The Knot spent between $1,000 and $3,000, and 10% of people who responded said they spent under $1,000 on their partner's engagement ring. So the spectrum is pretty huge, but $3,000 is nothing to sniff at.
Now he feels awful.
He says that no one is speaking to him, and he wishes he had spent more. Should he get another ring?
"I feel like [expletive] tbh, she's refusing to talk to me, her parents are accusing me of using her and treating her like cheap trash. I've tried to explain my point of view but they won't listen and are demanding an at least 10% ring."
He also OKed the ring style with her before he bought it.
He also made sure he bought a ring that she would like:
"I did discuss ring styles with my partner before buying the ring. She wanted a sapphire surrounded by diamonds like princess Diana's ring. I also noticed that she preferred pear cut stones so I had a sapphire custom cut into a pear shape and placed into a diamond halo on a white gold band."
Now he's looking for advice.
Before he goes out and gets a new ring, he wanted to know what Reddit thinks about the situation.
Frankly, people were pretty stunned.
They think he's making a responsible choice.
As one commenter pointed out, the guy has a lot on his plate:
"The '10% of your income' is not a rule anyway. It was a marketing ploy invented by the diamond industry. You're being very smart not to spend such a large amount of money right now considering you could be laid off, you have a new baby, and you’re financially supporting sick family members."
They also really need to talk.
The same person also suggested the couple consider counseling:
"It sounds like you and your fiancée were happy before her family members stirred things up; there may be some boundary issues going on. You both should have some pre-marriage counseling to help sort this out or this could be the template for your marriage."
But not everyone agrees with that idea.
One person stepped in to say that a $3,000 probably isn't as big of a deal as people think:
"It doesn't actually take much for a ring to get to 10k value, my ring cost just over 10k in dollars when it was bought 4 years ago (probably more now with inflation) and the centre stone is less than a carat weight, it's just the quality of the stone and side stones is high, plus the cut. It's not gaudy as most people in these comments would assume."
It's OK that she had expectations, too.
Also, it's fine if his girlfriend values traditional engagement ring practices and expected a more expensive ring:
"Aside from that, OP's fiancee had an expectation of the type of ring she would get, then he spent lots of money on his family this year and downgraded her ring."
His girlfriend does work for their family, too.
The commenter continued:
"Which also brought home to her that anything she is gifted by him or ever buys for herself is actually by his grace, because he earns the money. But let's not forget that by her shouldering the weight of childcare and running the home is what enables him to earn what he does! So it's easy to see why she feels undervalued, she has no financial control unless her husband lets her (which, however nice he is, can still be a worry) and now she's not even benefiting from enabling him to earn what he does, in the way she thought she would."
In conclusion ...
"As usual, it's not about the ring, but it's because she's realised that when his priorities differ to hers, she's the one that will take the back seat."
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