You get introduced to a lot of interesting relationship dynamics on the internet. It goes to show that what's normal for one couple is completely out there for another. The rules by which a relationship functions are more unique than ever before. In turn, the problems couples are facing are more unique.
One man took to Reddit to ask for guidance after an awkward situation with his wife. He explains that he's in the midst of studying for a major exam that requires a lot of preparation. He gets his work done in the evenings until the early morning hours. This would be going smoothly, if not for his wife.
He explains that his wife wants to spend time with him before she goes to sleep, so she joins him while he studies. She likes to cuddle, however, and more often than not one thing leads to another. While he enjoys the intimacy with his wife, he's aware of the importance of getting his studying done. He's asked her not to, but the behavior continues. He tried turning down her advances, but she persisted until he locked her out of the study room.
A married man took to Reddit to explain an ongoing situation with his wife that's interfering with his life.
"I have been studying for a very important test each night for the past few weeks. I usually wait until after dinner before I start, which usually is around 9 – 10 PM, and then I will work until 1 – 3 AM. It depends on how much I get done," he noted.
He's dedicated to hitting the books but decided to be flexible when it came to his wife. "My wife doesn't usually go to bed until 11 PM, and at that time of night she likes to be close to me and cuddle, so she has been coming into my office and hanging out with me while I work," he said.
The arrangement was going well for a little while. When his wife started getting a little too cuddly, he ended up getting distracted.
"This was fine for a few days, but then it seemed like every night she would go from cuddling me to trying to make out with me and have sex. More often than not we would and my schedule would suffer as a result," he admitted.
Recognizing that studying is super important for him to get things done, he decided to talk to his wife about it. "I asked her not to keep doing this because she knows it's hard for me to turn her down, and she promised she would stop, but she didn't and the same pattern repeated itself," he explained.
"I have fallen behind my schedule now by a lot, and I have asked her to please not do this anymore if she is going to come into my office. She swore to me again she would not try to initiate, and she still did."
Since she wasn't taking no for an answer, he decided he had to take more drastic measures. "I didn't know what else to do since talking to her failed, so tonight when I went into my office to study I locked the door," he said.
"When [she] tried to come in like she normally does and found out it was locked she asked me to open the door and I refused. We had about a 45-minute conversation through the door before she finally went away in tears."
The guy states that he feels really badly for upsetting his wife and locking her out. He's tried to talk to her, but she's not being understanding of what he needs to do. Furthermore, he had a few more months of studying ahead. He asked for some guidance to get through the situation.
"Your wife is not being loving, she's being selfish & controlling. And using sex to do it. Why does she think it's ok to not respect your boundaries, especially when you've asked several times?" one commenter said.
“She needs to grow up and understand that she’s not entitled to your attention 24/7. School is expensive and trying to study, work and have a relationship requires a fine balance. It’s not forever and in the end it benefits both of you.”
“She needs to stop being so needy, stop using sex as a weapon to distract you from your studies and respect your requests. Requiring a 45-minute conversation to explain why you locked the door then crying about it for the rest of the night sounds like you’re living with a 4-year-old.”
Someone shared their experience with similar behavior and pointed out how it was ultimately abuse, although noting that doesn't mean this case necessarily is.
“My ex used to spring sex on me at times when I really should have been doing something else, like painting my new house, or going to the gym. I realized later she was abusive, and this was part of it,” the commenter said.
“She wanted to test her control over me. Or sometimes she was probably just horny and didn’t care what I wanted, didn’t care that I’d be stressed and regret it later because of the poor use of time. In fact she even used that as ammunition against me, how horrible I was for regretting having sex with her when she coerced me into it.”
“Anyway, not saying OP’s [the original poster’s] wife is the same, but just highlighting that sex and disregarding boundaries around it is worse than it seems on the surface.”
Someone pointed out that it's a little unsettling for him to blame his wife for his alleged inability to resist her. He explained his stance in a reply.
"It's not that I can't resist her. It's that I want her. She knows I do and it takes a lot of effort for me to study when I'd love nothing more than to be in bed with her," he said.
“She isn’t taking no for an answer. She will move from cuddling to kissing and will get more aggressive.”
Many people pointed out that what she's clearly not understanding is how much work goes into preparing for an exam as strenuous as the bar exam, which OP revealed was the exam in question. Someone who has been the spouse of a bar exam taker shared their experience.
"When your spouse is studying for/taking an exam as serious as the bar sacrifices will need to be made. My husband took the bar 6 years ago when CA was still a 3 day BAR exam. He studied full time for 3 months before, I worked full time and would come home and quiz him, type his handwritten essays into the Kaplan course for grading so he could keep studying etc.," the commenter noted.
"When you are a team and your partner is working towards something like this you have to come together and work together and sacrifice together. We spent our 1 year wedding anniversary (10 year together) in Pinkberry doing flash cards but you know what it all paid off, he passed the first time and we got to move on towards other life goals together. Your wife needs to get on the same page as you and stop sabotaging your study time, this is temporary, maybe explain if you fail this will all have to be repeated."
Commenters also helped him brainstorm solutions that were closer to compromise. "Her boundary violations are not okay. Is there another time you can spend with her in this way so she still feels wanted and secure? There are needs on both sides here and a compromise is best," one asked.
OP replied, "We could try to move dinner up or shorten it so we have more time to relax. I could consider cutting an hour or two off my night and add it to the morning. That would be harder for me, but I might be able to make it work."
Some feel that compromising still puts an undue burden on OP, who is ultimately trying to do the right thing for his personal development without hurting the person he loves.
"This is clearly a temporary situation and your wife needs to be more accommodating. As far as 'it must be hard for her to fall asleep without cuddling' goes, she's an adult. What if you were traveling? How would she fall asleep then?"
"Spend time with her during the day, and make time for intimacy during the week. But she needs to respect your boundaries regarding your studying time and you should not feel guilty about that."
These stories are based on posts found on Reddit. Reddit is a user-generated social news aggregation, web content rating, and discussion website where registered members submit content to the site and can up- or down-vote the content. The accuracy and authenticity of each story cannot be confirmed by our staff.
