The definition of neglect, according to Merriam-Webster, is “to give little attention or respect to: DISREGARD” and “to leave undone or unattended to especially through carelessness.”
If you give yourself minimal attention or fail to respect yourself as a woman, you are being neglectful.
If you leave the tasks, duties, and responsibilities related to your well-being as a woman undone or unattended to, you are being neglectful.
It’s not a badge of honor to neglect yourself because you happen to be a woman and a mother.
Failing to take care of yourself mentally, physically, spiritually, or emotionally because you have children is neglect, and neglect is never something to be proud of.
You wouldn’t neglect your children, work responsibilities, or household duties and brag about it, so don’t do it when it comes to how you care for yourself.
This is a toxic cultural belief that we have to dismantle, and it starts with you today, right now.
Neglecting yourself doesn’t make you a better mom.
I want you to say this out loud: “I can be an amazing mother without neglecting myself.”
Write it on a sticky note and place it on your computer, bathroom mirror, or other highly visible space so it can serve as a constant reminder. Make this a mantra you repeat.
Do what’s necessary to ensure this message sticks in your head. Once you change your mindset, it’s easier to change your behavior.
You can be a wonderful mom while maintaining your happiness, health, and overall well-being. There’s nothing selfish about caring for yourself.
You were you before you had children. You are you while they’re in day care, at school, with a babysitter, or spending the night with friends and family. You will be you when they leave home and go to college or pursue their other life dreams.
That’s why you must never stop taking care of yourself. At the end of the day, your life didn’t stop the moment you gave birth or adopted, and your goals, desires, dreams, and needs didn’t disappear.
Don’t allow societal beliefs about what it means and requires to be a mother suppress your needs and desires as a woman.
There’s a reason why the plane's safety rules require you to put on your own oxygen mask before doing so for your children. If you spend all of your energy trying to put on your children’s masks and then pass out because you didn’t take care of yourself, where does that leave you?
Remember, you can be an amazing mother without neglecting yourself.
Ending neglect requires more than #SelfCareSunday.
Caring for yourself as a mother — scratch that, as a woman — has no limits.
It doesn’t mean that you need only a few hours on Sunday to take a shower, wash your hair, and do your nails. This is a type of self-care, but don’t think that’s all you need or deserve.
Caring for yourself will look different depending on the day, month, or year. So, before you buy into the basic Pinterest-worthy #SelfCareSunday notion, realize there’s more to caring for yourself than that.
There are several common examples of neglect women who are mothers participate in.
- Failing to exercise — When you’re too busy being a mother to fit in a 30-minute workout.
- Failing to eat well — When you’re too busy being a mother to eat a proper meal or eat at all because you’re running around tending to your children’s needs.
- Failing to honor spiritual needs — When you’re too busy being a mother to attend religious services regularly, meditate, pray, or read your sacred book of choice.
- Failing to attend therapy — When you’re too busy being a mother to research therapy options to heal some of your own pain or attend sessions regularly.
- Failing to socialize — When you’re too busy being a mother to catch up with friends on a phone call or in-person outing.
- Failing to go on a date night — When you’re too busy being a mother that you neglect your romantic relationships and stop dating your partner, or if you’re a single mother, you stop entertaining the idea of dating altogether.
How does failing to do the things that fuel you by adding happiness, peace, and security to your life make you a better woman or a better mom?
It doesn’t, so realize that you don’t need to do that to be a great mom.
What to do once the neglect badge is gone
Once you remove the mom neglect badge of honor from your chest, it’s time to determine your needs. You are the only one who knows what those needs are.
Think about what makes you happy, separate from your motherhood role.
Think about what would make you feel more fulfilled that has nothing to do with being a mom.
Think about what you need to heal in yourself.
Think about how a perfect day, week, or month with no motherhood responsibilities would look.
Then figure out how you can incorporate those things into your life as it is right now, today.
Maybe playing tennis as you did before having kids would bring you happiness. See how you can make that happen, even if it starts with a baby step, like purchasing a tennis practice wall for your backyard to get back into the habit.
Or perhaps you need more adult time in your life. You can start by having a weekly happy hour at your house with friends once the kids are in bed.
Just know that you deserve to still honor your wants, needs, and desires as a woman.
Don’t let anyone make you think or feel differently.
