I've been a mom for over a decade now. But that doesn't always mean I feel like I know what I'm doing. The fact is, parenting changes all the time, and the bigger the kids get, sometimes the more confusing it gets to be a mom.
Bigger kids, bigger problems seems, to me, to be fairly true. Sure, I'm glad to be out of the baby stages — those sleepless nights were rough. But now that my kids are 7 and 11, I find myself navigating tough sibling fights, tween drama, and more.
There are so many schools of thought on just about everything when it comes to parenting. From how much screen time is appropriate to what kind of school to send your kids to — and even how much freedom you should give your kids.
I try to follow my instincts, and usually, I feel like I'm doing all right. But in those creeping moments of parenting anxiety, sometimes I worry about these seven things and wonder if I'm royally screwing up.
Chances are, my worries are not all that uncommon.
1. Am I giving them too much screen time?
The past year was like the year of the screens. With kids doing distance learning and parents trying to hold down the fort, it became completely necessary to let your kids have free rein with their devices. But a lot of that has carried over! I don't know about you, but I've been super lax about screen time for a while now.
While mostly I can be zen about it, sometimes I panic and wonder what it's doing to their brains. On top of the TV and computers, my daughter also now has her own phone. Are they going to remember how to think on their own? Or am I raising screen-bots? These are the things that keep me up at night.
2. Am I teaching them enough responsibility?
Another thing I fret about is whether or not I'm giving my kids all the tools they need. Life is tough, and the truth is, there is no real way to prepare for so many of its challenges. Sometimes, when I make my kids do chores, I feel like the mean mom. They're kids, after all, and I don't want them to feel too bogged down. Other times, I feel like they don't have enough responsibility. Then I remember that it's hard to be a kid in so many ways, and typically, I stop stressing. But it's a delicate balance, and it can be tough to feel like I'm getting it right.
3. Am I being too selfish with my time?
I want to show my kids what it looks like to take care of yourself and your own needs. As a mom — and a single mom, at that — that's genuinely important to me. So I take time for myself, whether it be to exercise, take a bath, see friends, or go on dates. Mostly, I feel good about doing those things. But then there are the times when I'm ignoring my kids when I feel completely guilt-ridden about being away from them. Sometimes, I feel like a totally selfish mom. I can talk myself out of it pretty quickly. But it's hard not to worry if I'm giving them enough of myself.
4. Am I tuned in to their mental health needs?
The older my kids get, the more I realize that their mental health is the most important thing to tune in to. When I was young, I didn't know how to properly express when my mental health was suffering. I didn't know terms like "anxiety" or "depression." Or if I did, I didn't have the tools to relate them to how I was feeling on the inside. These days, I think kids have a lot more knowledge about mental health, and so do parents. But it's scary knowing that so many people suffer from mental health conditions and not being able to get inside your child's head. You have to really listen hard and make sure you're paying attention. For me, as a parent with my own mental health issues, it's never far from my mind.
5. Am I teaching them healthy habits?
Learning healthy habits is hard! And I'm not even sure it's something that can be taught, honestly. It took me years to learn to eat well, exercise, and take care of my body and my mind. I try to teach healthy habits to my kids by making healthy meals and making sure they take part in activities they love, like dance and karate. But aside from that, I feel like I'm at a loss. I spent years eating junk food … and chances are, my kids may do the same. I try not to worry too much because I know everything can't be taught. But sheesh. Sometimes I wonder if I'm doing enough.
6. Am I modeling healthy relationships?
As a single mother who is dating and trying to navigate my own relationships, sometimes I worry I'm not doing a good job modeling what is healthy. That's because relationships, no matter how old you are, can be super challenging and complicated. There is heartbreak and loss and, overall, a lot of pain. I try to take it all in stride. But sometimes I wonder if I'm navigating my own romantic relationships well enough that my kids know what healthy versus unhealthy looks like. And the truth is, at 36, I'm not totally sure I even know.
7. Am I helping them feel supported?
Having kids who are independent — kids who can do for themselves — is important to me. I don't want my kids to feel that they always need help and aren't capable of doing age-appropriate tasks. So I try to give them the space to do a lot on their own. But I also want to make sure that they feel supported. Sometimes, it feels like a fine line to walk: Am I making sure they are becoming independent people and that I'm not doing everything for them, or am I not doing enough?
So many of these worries, when I say them out loud, feel silly. But as a mom, it's so easy to worry we are screwing up in big and small ways all the time. At the end of the day, things ebb and flow. Kids grow and are able to communicate their needs more all the time. Sometimes, it may feel like bigger kids, bigger problems. Other times, everything feels like it's falling into place.
For the most part, at least.
