Moms take on so many roles during their lifetime as a parent that it would be nearly impossible to write an accurate job description; how can you ever capture the nuance of a mother’s love and devotion? But for all of the daily tasks that add up to millions of acts that will never be fully seen or appreciated, there are also multiple ways moms become moms. Mother’s Day is not just for the people who birthed children. Anyone who is called mom, no matter how they got that title, is a “real” mom and deserves to be celebrated.
Because society has perpetuated the narrative that all women who have children gave birth to their children and that said women got pregnant by their cisgender husbands, any deviation from that assumption creates confusion and slows down another person’s interpretation of mother-child relationships.
I’m a nonbinary person and the nonbiological parent of my three kids and became a parent while I was still identifying as a female. My ex-partner is a cisgender woman and conceived and birthed all of our kids via intrauterine insemination (IUI). When out in public, strangers would sometimes ask who the real mom was or assume I was the “real” mom because my kids all have blond hair and blue eyes like I do. When compared to my ex, who has very dark hair and eyes, people thought I gave birth to my kids.
So many gross misconceptions were made with that seemingly unintentionally hurtful comment. First, they assumed one or both of us wanted to and could get pregnant and that the ability to do so made one of us a more valid mother. Other times, people asked where we got our children, as if we found them at a store in the mall. As if it’s anyone’s business how or why my kids call me mom. People’s curiosity does not give allowance for questions.
Though I have transitioned to they/them pronouns and ask that folks don’t use gendered language to address me, my kids still call me mama. The word is not gendered to them; it’s simply the word that is attached to the comfort, security, and love they feel from me. I and other nonbinary parents, adoptive parents, stepmoms, transgender moms, and any other person who has taken on the role of mother are as real as the existence of the children we love.
Pregnancy is not what determines motherhood, either. Pregnant men and nonbinary folks give birth to babies, and they are not necessarily mothers. Some folks are pregnant because they are surrogates or gestational carriers. Some people will give their babies up for adoption because they aren’t ready to become parents. And some folks may look pregnant but are far from it. None of this stops people from offering their opinions or blurting out questions and comments that no one is obligated to respond to.
If people could open their minds to a wider meaning of the words mom and mother and add sensitivity and inclusivity to pregnancy, then a lot of these biases and painful comments could be avoided.
Even though I didn’t birth my children, I’m very much a real parent. I show up in ways my own biological parents never did for me and in ways many other biological parents never will. Yet I still had to file second-parent adoption paperwork to the family court to adopt the children whom I have known since conception. Being a queer parent in a same-sex marriage was not enough to guarantee that I had legal rights over my children. I needed to know I could always protect them. I needed to know someone couldn’t tell my kids I wasn’t their real parent, so I went through background checks, court appearances, and thousands of dollars to gain the legal right to call my kids mine.
Here’s the thing: It’s up to the kids who are loved to determine what is real and what isn’t. Our kids don’t always see what we do for them and will never fully understand the depths of love, worry, and sacrifice we make. But they never base their expectations of what they get and need from us based on how we became their mom and parent.
Having a baby come from your body is not a prerequisite to be considered a mom, nor does it determine motherhood. There are so many valid and beautiful ways to become a mother and so many beautiful people who step in and fill that role. Sometimes a child finds a mother figure through a coach or a friend’s mom, a grandmother, or a neighbor. If you are someone’s mom or seen as the mom they always wanted, you are the real deal. I see you. And if you hold onto the identity of being a mom, I want to remind you that you deserve to be celebrated on Mother’s Day no matter what that title looks like for your family.
