Thanks to the rise of feminism, women have tirelessly fought to reclaim their power and independence. Today, we explore this new freedom by challenging social constructs and outdated gender roles. This massive shift has, in many ways, changed how we view both stay-at-home and working moms, sometimes creating a judgmental atmosphere as the “gender role” debate continues. Sadly, in modern-day history, breadwinning moms are still expected to maintain household chores as they share equal financial responsibility with their partners. In some cases, stay-at-home moms are frowned upon for their decision to be full-time homemakers.
I’ve witnessed my mother sacrifice so much of herself to please people. She was a stay-at-home mom whom my father afforded the opportunity to focus on raising our family of four children as he worked his way up the corporate ladder. Despite the circulating false narrative about the stay-at-home spouse, there are added pressures associated with this role that often go unnoticed. My mother had to swallow the scrutiny of her privilege as working moms provided unsolicited advice, exclaiming she should hide her homemaker role because it was an embarrassment.
If that weren’t enough, I watched her “so-called” friends judge and criticize the condition of our family home rather than the condition of her heart. They didn’t have the slightest clue how hard my mother worked to present a beautiful home while struggling to maintain impossible beauty standards.
I remember the morning of my prom night, my mother forced me to clean the house before our guests arrived. With the smell of bleach covering my skin as I wore my prom dress and suffering from debilitating anxiety from the fear of extreme criticism, I realized I no longer wanted to partake in the unnecessary shenanigans of having to keep everything in a constant state of perfection. Enough was enough! Eventually, I decided to forge my own path.
I fought against the perfectionism my mother had chosen and began picking my battles. While working two jobs during my early college days, I had to choose between assignments, sleep, and a clean room based on the level of importance. After years of fighting, I remember telling my mother, “Whoever comes to my home should come to see me, not my home. If they have a problem with it, they can clean it up!” I was no longer interested in fulfilling a role that women were expected to fill for centuries. The added unnecessary pressure does not always create diamonds but instead leaves many of us crippled.
Today, I’ve switched roles with my mom and am now a stay-at-home “mompreneur” with four children. During the health crisis, I homeschooled three children while completing my last year in college, finalizing internship assignments, and working as a freelance writer. My active-duty husband was also in school while working full time, struggling to keep up with daily tasks. As you can imagine, some days our house was flipped upside down from our chaotic schedules and a to-do list that never seemed to end.
We had to decide what to make a priority and also make peace with our temporary dysfunction. Some mornings ended with a sink full of dishes because we were completing assignments until 4 a.m. Some afternoons were filled with dirty laundry baskets because I had several meetings and scheduled interviews to conduct. Some nights were a debate between mopping floors or helping our three children with school projects. In the end, our goals took front and center stage as we made sacrifices to make them happen.
Interestingly, the criticism received about the state of our home is placed solely on my shoulders. My husband doesn’t have to hear the “you should hire a cleaning company” remarks, nor does he bear the consequences of the critical commentary I’ve received about our piles of laundry. I am still expected to play a role that I never signed up for. I guess that makes sense if one looks back to the dated cleaning commercials that always targeted women as the homemakers and cleaners of the house.
Thankfully, my husband and I share equal responsibility and challenge gender roles together. If I were focused on maintaining an immaculate home that looked magazine perfect, my career goals would’ve been put on the back burner. Contrastingly, if I pursued a life with a full-time office job, I wouldn't constantly be hearing the “don’t depend on no man” rant. Either way, we (women) can’t win.
I will not pretend my home is spotless, but it certainly isn’t filthy, and I don’t care for it to be any other way. My guests may see writing on the walls from my toddler, tiny footprints on the floor, or a half-sucked lollipop under a chair. They may see a smudge or two on my bathroom mirror and find dried toothpaste at the bottom of the kids' bathroom sink. If they have an issue, there are two options: either clean it or get out!
My job isn’t to please or impress a world that will never be satisfied by the contributions we (women) make. Instead, my job is to raise future leaders, create beautiful memories, remain present, and make our vision a reality. If your biased judgment allows, you will see the beauty behind a happy home versus a perfectly clean home. Can we have both? Sure, but in the meantime, I will enjoy our temporary chaos, because my empty-nesting mother reminds me that one day, it will all be a memory.
