I've been dating as a single mom for about two years now. And I can honestly say it's been the most eye-opening journey of my entire life. The fact is, when you haven't dated in close to a decade, it can literally feel like you're starting fresh — like a giddy 16-year-old with a crazy bad crush who isn't the least bit sensible.
Throw in a handful of adult responsibilities like money, work, and raising kids with the utter ridiculousness of dating apps and you've got yourself a real modern fairy tale gone awry. Let's just say, things can get interesting when you're back in the game after a long, long hiatus.
Starting fresh can mean a lot of different things for different people. It could mean you have your guard way up. You might be way too trusting. But chances are, no matter how you approach dating as a single mom, you're probably going to learn — and learn quickly — about yourself, the mistakes you're prone to making, and what you should really be looking out for.
I've personally had moments of feeling like I haven't learned a single thing about dating in my 35 years on earth. But when I really think about it, each relationship, even each date, brings me closer to knowing what I want. And in order to get it, I'm learning what to avoid.
Here are nine dating red flags that single moms should look out for. In other words, here are all the red flags I've flat out ignored at some point over the past two years but that you should definitely pay attention to.
They don't make an effort to actually meet you.
In the modern online dating world that we live in, I discovered that there are two kinds of people. There are people who want to actually meet, try one another on, and see how they fit, and there are people who just want someone to text with. It seems obvious now, but I didn't know that there were people totally content to just chat via text, direct messaging, or app for months on end, but there are.
If you're trying way too hard to make a meetup happen and they always have an excuse, let it go. They're looking for a pen pal, not a partner, and single moms ain't got time for that.
They have kids but don't see them.
Initially, I was worried about dating a man who had kids of his own. I already had two and that felt like more than enough to handle. But I soon realized that I seemed to hit it off with people who had their own kids, probably because we were in the same stage of life. I was naturally drawn to them and found we had a ton to talk about.
A red flag recently popped up when I was on a date with a man who only rarely saw his kids. He didn't want to address why that was, and I soon found out that he wasn't a very good dad at all. Luckily, I didn't invest a lot of time there, but I had hoped there was some good reason why he didn't get to see them much. Turns out, he really just didn't care, and that was a huge turnoff.
They have a "complicated" ex.
Oh boy. I say this both as someone who has been the "complicated ex" and as someone who is tired of hearing about them. If they have a complicated or unstable-seeming ex, or if all of the men/women in their past seem to fall under that category, good lord, run for the hills. There is something that's driving these people mad, and it might not be a coincidence.
Aside from the fact that unstable people seem to follow them, if they're talking about their exes negatively early on in your relationship, it could mean there are still feelings there. If not, it's still not a good look.
They zone out when you talk about your kids.
Whether they have kids or not, they should be open to hearing about yours. I've dated a couple of really great guys (and some not-so-great ones) who simply weren't interested in hearing about my kids. They'd kind of zone out, and whatever I was telling them, even if it was something utterly hilarious that my kids did, would fall flat.
I don't talk about my kids all the time when I'm dating someone, but as a mom, it's important to feel like you can share about a very important part of your life.
You have completely different schedules.
I have this thing for bartenders. I don't know why, but it's kind of been a constant in my life. Probably because during the times I've been single, I end up chatting to the people who pour my wine. But regardless of the fact that there might be a ton of great bartenders out there, it's hard to date someone who has a schedule that is the complete opposite of yours.
They're going to work right when you're done for the day. In my experience, tensions grow quickly when you feel like there's just not enough time to see someone, and when you're a parent with added responsibility, you shouldn't have to work that hard at it anyway.
They're a "bad texter."
There is not really any such thing as being a "bad texter." There might be people who prefer to talk on the phone, sure, and honestly in this day and age, that's appreciated. But if someone likes you, they're going to want to communicate with you one way or another. If they aren't calling or texting because they say they aren't big on the phone, they probably just aren't that into you.
At the very least, they should be using their phone to find out when they're going to see you again, even if they don't like to call or text that much. Still … it's 2020, and most people are down with texting anyway.
They never get off their phone when you're with them.
On the opposite end of the spectrum, dating people who are obsessed with their phones is not fun. When you're on a date, you should be the center of your date's attention — not their phone! If they're sitting in front of you checking Instagram, that's a total red flag. What could be more interesting than you, anyway?
They avoid conflict.
This might not be something that you'll notice right away, but within a few days, you should be able to tell if someone's happy-go-lucky attitude is downright immaturity. Likewise, if they have something along the lines of "I hate drama" or "drama-free-zone" on their dating profile, this is a pretty big red flag. No, you shouldn't go out seeking drama, but you also want to be with someone who can handle conflicts. Because, hey, that's life, baby.
When you're a parent, and especially if you're co-parenting with an ex, conflicts arise. Your partner should be someone who knows how to support you through the tough stuff. We see your "drama-free-zone," and we'll take a hard pass instead. How about that?
The vibe is off.
If the vibe is off, I hate to break it to you, but there's probably a reason. Intuition is incredibly important when you're dating, especially if it's been a while. You'll probably get burned a few times before you start listening to that inner voice, but remember, it's there for a reason. And it's begging you to listen to it.
