Weddings often have a special way of highlighting the differences between family members. Planning a wedding can already take a lot out of a couple, their family, and their friends. One would think that all you have to do is make it to the wedding day and then everything will be OK … but that's not always true.
One woman recently shared on Reddit that her brother-in-law holds some seriously awful racist and sexist values, and she uninvited him from her wedding. He showed up anyway, and that's where the day's trouble began.
She explained that most of her family is great:
"I got married earlier this year and I LOVE my in-laws. Everyone is great except for my BIL 'Stan' who is married to my husband's sister 'Jen'. He's extremely rude, openly racist and homophobic, and very loud about his religious beliefs. He has a lot of misogynistic views and repeatedly makes comments to my husband about how 'embarrassing' it must be to have a wife who works outside the home and shows off her body to other men. (I wear shorts. It's very scandalous.) The gloves came off when Stan told our 6 y/o that she was destined to be a 'heathen [expletive]' because I had her while 'living in sin'. He is banned from our life."
She adds that everyone in their family agreed that Stan should be banned from their wedding, but surprise … he showed up anyway.
“He was loud, disruptive, and his behavior was erratic at best. He stole one of the serving spoons from the buffet and presented it to my husband recommending it as a way to ‘keep me in line.’ He knocked over the cupcakes onto the floor. At one point, he started taking off his shirt to reveal this super offensive t-shirt with homophobic phrases on it. He was out of control.”
However, both her husband and her other brother-in-law took quick action.
"Husband & BIL #2 escorted him off the property. Jen was distraught. All our friends and family were horrified. It was not a great way to end our wedding day.
“Fast forward a few months later, we were going through the photo gallery from our wedding and I see that Stan is lurking in several of our big family shots. I zoom in and realize he’s flashing a racist hand symbol. I was livid so I had my photographer edit him out completely. I then blew up the edited photo onto a canvas and hung it on my wall.”
No one knew at first, but then her mother-in-law asked for a copy of the photo, and the woman happily complied.
"A few more months pass, the pandemic is in full swing and we only get to interact with family via Zoom. MIL sees the family picture in the background and wants a copy so I send her one. Everything is fine. I didn't even think of the fact that we took Stan out of it."
Eventually, Stan saw the edited photo and had a massive reaction.
"Stan saw the photo at my MILs house & realized he was edited out of it. He freaked and made my MIL cry. She called me and asked to have the unedited version of the photo so she can hang it up instead. I explained the offensive gesture to her & reminded her that Stan wasn't invited and he was horrible so I refused to give her the file."
Instead of letting it go, the mother-in-law tried to contact the photographer herself:
"She found a different picture of Stan and called back to ask if my photographer could add him in there. I refused again. This set off more family drama."
Now her family is split: Is the woman wrong for not adding Stan back into the photo?
"Jen won't speak to me bc she feels like I'm trying to exclude her family from the only family photo we have of all of us. MIL thinks we should keep the peace. SIL #2 thinks it's a little petty of me' to keep Stan excluded. Husband is on my side and thinks that the photo drama is stupid because Stan is terrible and everyone hates him."
Reddit is almost fully united in the belief that this woman did nothing wrong at all.
"This is a perfect example of why it's acceptable to cut family out of your life," said one commenter. "I feel like the rest of the in-laws already know he sucks and needs to get with the program and kick him to the curb as well. I mean its pretty obvious that nobody would be against op in this if he didn't happen to be family."
Some people felt the need to point out that obvious — that if Stan had behaved, obviously none of this would have been necessary.
"I feel like maybe if he was dressed appropriately and not making racist gestures you could just let this one go. Seriously though, this guy has a homophobic t-shirt on making racist gestures in your wedding photos," said a commenter.
“If they want a family photo, tell them to get one separately, these are wedding photos.”
Plenty of people also wanted to analyze the family's relationship with Stan, especially since it sounds like no one especially wants to be around him. The woman explained a little more:
"I do believe a lot of them are scared to confront Stan head on. I'm not sure if they are scared of his reaction or if they are scared that Jen will get caught in the middle and thus they don't want to rock the boat. Either way, it's not healthy at all. He's a big and loud dude and he doesn't speak his views, he shouts them. My in-laws are extremely soft-spoken. I honestly don't think I have ever heard my MIL raise her voice in the 11 years my husband and I have been together. I can totally see how she would prefer to ask me to do something that would make the shouting stop rather than tell Stan off for being a garbage person in the first place."
Others also pointed out that the way everyone is trying to cater to Stan despite his beliefs and behavior is one reason why racism continues to thrive.
"I'd really like to point out that the in-laws codding Stan is a a microcosm of how racism flourishes in America," said a commenter. "Imagine all the co-workers, restaurant servers, retail people and even neighbors having to DEAL with his behavior because almost none of his close family will bother to tell him it's wrong. They're basically burdening the larger community ( and non-enabling OP [the original poster] & husband) with HIS bad behavior. And the problem is that it doesn't even work! He just acts out ANYWAY."
And finally, one person had a pretty excellent suggestion for what photo she could send her mother-in-law instead:
"Send her a watermarked photo including Stan but excluding the two of you and apologise profusely and explain that racism is against your personal values and you cannot risk having your reputation ruined and job threatened by being associated with racism, but the rest of them are welcome to decide for themselves."
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