Young Dad Balks When New Girlfriend Asks Him To Lie To Her Parents About The Mother Of His Son

It seems that the specific concern his girlfriend has is that her parents are deeply religious and won't like that his ex is a lesbian and that she's still very much a part of the picture:

“For context, my girlfriend’s family is very religious (jehovah’s witness) and while she is not as religious as they are, she fears they will judge me or ‘not like me’ when they find out that I had a child with a lesbian who is very involved in my son’s life. She also told me they would be uncomfortable with the fact that I had a child outside of wedlock.”

His girlfriend suggested that he just totally make something up instead of telling them the truth:

“My girlfriend’s suggestion was to lie, and tell her parents (if it ever came up) that I was previously married to my son’s mother, and that she left me, or PASSED AWAY, and to absolutely not mention the lesbian part.”

To his credit, the dad immediately rejected the idea for four really good reasons:

“- I love this woman, and I want any love her family has for me to be based on authenticity.

• I do not want to set the precedent for my son that lying is acceptable to make people like you.

• I do not believe it is wrong to be gay, and I won't tip-toe around it in order to spare feelings.

• My son is a valid & legitimate person whose story matters, and I won't erase that because it is a little different than most people."

So now he and his girlfriend are in the middle of a huge fight, and he doesn't feel like he's wrong. His girlfriend doesn't know if she wants the two of them to spend time with her parents in the future, which would probably make their relationship complicated, to say the least.

Several people immediately pointed out that if his girlfriend feels like she has to lie to her own family, she probably doesn't have a healthy relationship with them in the first place:

“If she cares so much about her family’s approval, then maybe she should just live with them. This kind of fear or behavior would be a early warning sign that she’s dependent on her family’s approval to the point she’s asking you to lie. That isn’t what sounds like a healthy relationship to me.”

Another person pointed out that it's really, really hard to avoid talking about your parents even in a lot of casual conversations. If this dad and his girlfriend stay together, she'd also be asking the dad's son to become complicit in the lie:

“As the child of gay parents it may be no one’s business but it comes up more often than you’d think. Until you’ve tried to avoid mentioning it you have no idea how often who your parents are will naturally come up in conversation, even small talk– especially for a child. You have to go very, very far out of your way for people to not realize your parents are both the same sex once they get to know you. There’s only so long you can play the Pronoun Avoidance Game and only so long you can just erase a step-parent’s existence from your life when talking to people and it is completely unfair to put that on OP’s son. And OP himself would be setting a very poor and very painful example if he tried to pretend his son’s mother and stepmother are anything other than what they are.”

The 15-year-old's potential relationship with the family of the girlfriend was a concern to another commenter as well:

“If the relationship continues on, and the family gets to know him and his son better, is the son supposed to just not talk about his mother or where he goes on weekends? Oh just going to my dead moms house…she’s definitely not there..or alive.”

And someone else pointed out that it's pretty bad to deliberately put a child of any age in this kind of position:

“It would be hard to the wife’s partner if she has a role in the sons upbringing, which she does. It’s only a matter of time before the son says ‘my mom and x’. It’s so horrible to put a kid in that situation, where they have to avoid telling the truth about who they are because someone else thinks it should be hidden. I’d personally not be continuing my relationship with my girlfriend if she was willing to put my son/ daughter in that situation.”

Ultimately, this whole situation might be telling the dad everything he needs to know about his new girlfriend:

“Don’t go down this road. Just don’t. It sounds like you and your ex have a healthy relationship and you’re raising a good kid. He should be loved and supported, and so should his mom. Neither of them deserve to be treated poorly because you’re dating someone whose family is intolerant. What your girlfriend is asking you to do is unacceptable.”

In the end, the dad sounds like he has a good relationship with his ex and his son, and it's important to keep honoring that. His girlfriend might never be ready to get on board, and he'll have to navigate that with her, as someone else commented:

“Your son, your ex, and yourself deserve to not hide who they are. I can understand the fear your girlfriend feels about her parents, but you shouldn’t be bullied by prejudice into pretending your ex, your son’s mother, is somebody she’s not. And im sure your ex would feel the same way.”