You know that crazy out-of-body feeling you get when you recognize just how tiny we all are on the grand scale of the universe?
Like most people, I experience that vertigo-inducing jolt of realization three or four times a year. Each and every time, it leaves me with this profound sense of gratitude, that I have had the immense privilege of existing on Earth and doing all that I can with my time here, even if it’s just for the cosmic instant of my lifetime.
Of course, that’s the flipside of the tremendous experience of living—eventually our cosmic second ends. Death is the natural progression of life, but its inevitability doesn’t make it any easier to fathom, especially when it happens to someone you know and love.
Just about everyone experiences the profound pain of losing a loved one at least once, and it’s not the kind of thing that gets easier with experience. That’s why every society since the dawn of time has evolved mourning rituals, to help ease the process just a little bit.
Today, we host wakes, share eulogies, and send sympathy cards when someone passes away. With these comforting rituals also comes the more challenging territory of the cookie-cutter condolence.
The grief of others can be hard to address, and there’s a natural tendency to try to soothe it with the first cliché that comes to mind, which can often do more harm than good. While a simple, “My thoughts are with you,” rarely goes awry, here are few thoughts that you should carefully consider before sharing with the recently bereaved.
1. "I know exactly what you're going through."
This is a common refrain, and it's always intended as an empathetic reassurance that this, too, shall pass. However, it can come off as a kind of tragedy one-upmanship. Nobody wants to feel that their loss is reduced when compared to another's; this isn't the kind of competition that you should try to win. Unless it's very recent, save your own mourning for another time; your friend doesn't need to try to sort through your feelings as well as her own.
2. "You're still young. You have plenty of time left"
This is the kind of condolence most frequently offered when someone has lost her spouse unexpectedly, or who has suffered the death of a child. The implication is that the mourner is still young enough to remarry, or to have another child. Whether it's true or not, it should go without saying that you should never speculate about the replacement of a loved one. Even if the bereaved does eventually fall in love again or have another child, she will never replace the person that she lost.
3. "Everything happens for a reason."
This is a catch-all phrase fort just about any curveball life throws, but it's not the best choice for comforting someone in mourning. In particular, religious and spiritual variations (e.g.:"God has a plan.") should be avoided. Regardless of how unshakeable your own belief system is, she will feel hurt by the idea that a higher power wants her to feel this pain.
4. "Let me know if you need anything."
This is another innocuous platitude that rolls easily off the tongue when you're trying to comfort a friend. But the problem with this one is that you're putting the onus of communication on the bereaved. Grief is emotionally exhausting, and your friend may not have the energy to pick up the phone and ask for help. Reach out and offer, just to take one more responsibility off of her plate.
5. "This, too, shall pass."
This is another nice sentiment that is best left unvoiced. You might think it's comforting to know that eventually the grief won't be so raw, particularly if you have personal experience with bereavement. But for your friend, it might feel like a betrayal of her loved one to try to feel better straight away.
6. "How are you planning to handle the funeral/will/expenses?"
Though some people find it easier to get through their grief with a concrete list of tasks in front of them, most find it very difficult to focus on the practical, logistical details involved in the loss of a loved one. Instead of asking your friend to manage those details, it might be a good idea to offer to shoulder part of the burden yourself.
7. "At least s/he died doing what she loved."
You can't put a positive spin on death, and this holds true on every variation of the above phrase. "At least she had a good long life." "At least he's finally out of pain." None of these phrases are likely to comfort the bereaved, particularly if it's the first thing out of your mouth. A recent tragedy won't benefit from any kind of PR spin. The one exception to this rule? If your friend says something first, feel free to agree. And to keep agreeing.
At the end of the day, being agreeable is just about the best thing you can do. When you're trying to support someone going through a loss, that's all you should be: a support. Agree, hug, soothe, cook, and maybe avoid saying much of anything at all. She knows you're there for her.
If this advice about grieving spoke to you, please SHARE on Facebook to help others know to be helpful in supportive in difficult times.
