There is always a little give-and-take and compromise when two people are in a relationship. Sometimes, this happens in small ways. Other times, it happens in pretty massive shifts that might require more from one person than the other.
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One woman shared on Reddit that she and her boyfriend are facing a pretty massive shift. His two children, ages 5 and 11, are going to be living with them full-time — and he wants her to quit her job and stay home with the kids 24/7 while they adjust.
The woman begins by explaining she's never wanted kids.
Like a lot of people, the woman says she's never wanted kids. When she met her boyfriend, the father of two, she decided to give it a shot.
"For a bit of backstory, I never wanted kids," she begins. "However, when I met my BF, him and I fell for each other quickly and even though I knew he had kids, I decided to still give it a shot because I knew that I could learn to love them and be a good step mom."
She and his kids get along well.
The woman writes that she has a great relationship with his kids and wouldn't change a thing.
"We played it safe and I didnt meet them until easily a year in. Despite my anxiety surrounding the issue, I fell absolutely in love with his kids. His 5yo son is a freaking genius and the cutest kid in the entire planet. His daughter is an absolute diva and we have little dates all the time to get our hair and nails done (she is 11). They both cling to me whenever they are here and I seriously would not change this life for the world."
Some major changes have taken place.
Unfortunately for the kids, their mom recently lost custody of them.
"However, recently his ex ran into a drug problem and we were awarded full custody of the kids," the woman explains. "Their mom has been stripped of her rights completely and is currently in rehab. She cant have contact with the kids."
The girlfriend took some time off to help out.
The kids needed some help adjusting, so the woman took the vacation time she'd been saving up to visit her mom to help with the kids instead.
"I agreed to take 4 weeks off from work to get them adjusted through the big emotions they were now facing (this was 2 years worth of time off that I had been saving to visit my momma in Ireland this fall). Taking this time off killed me because I havent seen my mom in 3 years and I was really looking forward to it but these kids needed me, you know? I had to do this. My BF couldnt take the time off because his boss is a [expletive] and threatened to fire him."
That was a big sacrifice as it is, but then ...
She must have done a great job, because her boyfriend recently came to her with a huge ask.
"2 nights ago my BF was acting really weird around me and when I finally got him to speak, he asked me if I would be willing to stop working all together until the kids go to school in September because he doesnt think that it will be good for them to go to daycare given the emotional stress they are under."
The woman said nope.
"I think the opposite.. being around other kids is exactly what they need right now because it's a positive distraction and gets them socialized with kids they will be going to school with. I said I couldnt. Not only do I think daycare is a GOOD way to get them involved with others but I also know that I mentally cannot do it."
The woman just doesn't want to be a stay-at-home mom.
When it comes down to it, the woman just knows what she does and doesn't want to do.
"I love my job, for one," she explains. "And for two, being away from work for these past 3 weeks has truly hindered my spirits. It's always constant questions and arguing amongst the two kids and chaos and destruction and I'm depleted. As I said, I love the kids but I cant be a SAHM. (Kudos to everyone who can)."
Now her boyfriend says she's abandoning the kids.
Her boyfriend is worried how this will impact the kids.
"My BF is wildly disappointed and keeps saying that this is our life now and I need to make a choice. He says that sending them off to daycare will feel like abandonment in their eyes because currently I'm basically the only person they trust and talk to."
She's asking for opinions.
Now the woman wants to know what others think.
The top commenter offered a helpful analogy: "Imagine you and your boyfriend each have a basket of eggs, these eggs are your happiness and sense of self and each time one of you makes a sacrifice for the relationship, that's giving the other person one of your eggs. In healthy relationships there is a constant trade of eggs going back and forth. As long as each person has about the same amount of eggs it's a healthy, happy relationship."
The person continued, "You accepting him having kids was you giving him a couple of your eggs because that was huge! It doesn't matter that you love the kids, that's a bonus, you still went against your life plan and accepted children into your life. Then when you gave up weeks of saved vacation that was a couple more eggs, your basket is getting emptier and his basket is getting fuller."
Also: Her boyfriend might need a new job.
One person made an excellent point: Her boyfriend might need to adjust his own priorities.
"If your bf has no flexibility at his job, HE may want to look into changing jobs, as he's now a full custody parent, and there are going to be things that come up," the commenter noted. "What happens if a kid needs to come home sick from school, or has a dentist appointment, or sports practice? Is it always going to be you dropping everything, leaving work, and running to deal with it?"
Ultimately, to many people, the boyfriend is the one who needs to be responsible for his kids.
It seems that for a lot of commenters, the responsibility in this situation falls squarely on the woman's boyfriend.
"Tell him he needs to make a choice: if it's so important to him that someone be home with the kids, he can take leave of absence from his job," one person advised. "But he's wrong to believe that his children need 24-7 emotional care from anyone, much less you."
These stories are based on posts found on Reddit. Reddit is a user-generated social news aggregation, web content rating, and discussion website where registered members submit content to the site and can up- or down-vote the content. The accuracy and authenticity of each story cannot be confirmed by our staff.
