When it comes to the right age to get married, opinions vary. One mom on Reddit thinks her 20-year-old is not ready for marriage — but it might have less to do with her age and more to do with the lack of life experience she's had so far. In a Reddit post, the concerned parent explained that her daughter still lives at home, takes classes at a community college, and works part-time. She pays a bit in rent and contributes to household expenses, but it all amounts to less than 20% of her income. She doesn't have a car or any other expenses. Since she's never lived alone or with her partner, and she hasn't had to support herself, her mom doesn't think she's ready for marriage.
The daughter and her girlfriend have been together for about two years.
The daughter, Leah, has been dating her girlfriend for about two years. Their relationship is somewhat long distance largely because of transportation issues (they live an hour from each other, but Leah doesn't have a car). Because of this, they only see each other about once a month, but they're serious about each other. "Recently they seem to be getting really hype on talking/fantasizing about getting married and picking out engagement rings," the mom wrote in her Reddit post.
Leah and her girlfriend both live with their parents.
Leah's girlfriend, Sophie, 21, also lives with her family. The mom noted that Sophie's mom "does everything for her." Because of this, the mom thinks the young women are moving a little fast.
"I told her that personally, I don't believe in marrying someone you've never lived with," the mom wrote on Reddit. "I think it's terrifically short-sighted, especially because Sophie is 21 and her mom still does everything for her. But also because neither of them truly understand the responsibilities and pressures of supporting themselves. Especially in the current economy."
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The mom shared her opinion with Leah.
The mom chose to be honest with Leah after Leah shared her excitement about engagement rings and plans for the future. "I was like, 'It all sounds really nice hon, but I hope you're keeping your priorities in line. If you're grown enough to put a ring on your finger, you're grown enough to move out and support yourself.'"
Leah didn't like that response. From her perspective, moving in together before getting married isn't necessary. Besides, being engaged wouldn't really change anything in her life just yet.
The mom is just worried that her daughter is prioritizing the wrong things.
The mom understands Leah's excitement and doesn't want to discourage her from "having these fantasies and dreams with a partner." But at the same time, she is worried that her daughter could end up "getting swept away in it/prioritizing it above other milestones that would help her survive independently."
Leah's aunt didn't agree. "Her aunt called me and chewed me out for spitting on a harmless romantic fantasy. I said if it's really that harmless, she shouldn't be bothered by the idea of having to wait," she wrote, asking Redditors what they thought of the situation.
Some supported the mom's message — but the delivery could use some work.
Some Redditors agreed with the mom's opinion, but they didn't like the way she went about it.
"You're right (IMHO) that you should live with someone before getting married, but you're going about making that point in a terrible way," one person responded. "All you've succeeded in doing is having your daughter hide her intentions from you until the last possible minute. Your sister is right. There was no need to crap on her fantasy."
That same Redditor told the mom she should focus on making sure her daughter is ready for the real world — help prepare her to finish school, get a job, move into her own place, sure, but don't crush her dreams.
Maybe the mom was a little harsh.
Another Redditor agreed that the mom was a little harsh. "I agree your daughter should definitely be thinking about her future and surviving, and definitely live with gf before getting married…but your presentation comes off as more of a threat and punishment," the Redditor wrote.
Or maybe she's just being a parent.
Others jumped to the mom's defense.
"When they begin supporting themselves financially then they can get engaged," one Redditor wrote. "They need to both fully launch and fully adult before jumping into grown up decisions. I don't see anywhere where you are being unsupportive – you are just being realistic."
Some pointed out that it's completely fine for people to have dreams and fantasies. But it's also fine for a parent to help ground them a bit, especially if it's just because they're looking out for their kids.
Leah and Sophie aren't really acting like adults.
Some Redditors had different views on how parents should treat their adult children. Adult children should be able to make their own decisions, many thought — but for some of the Redditors, that changes when the adult children are still living with their parents.
"It’s not your right to tell your daughter she can’t get married, but it’s also not your daughter’s right to live in your home," one Redditor said. "To me, it sounds like they are living in a dreamland where they want to be married, but don’t realize what that will actually entail."
"Adults get to make adult decisions, people who are dependent on adult do not," one Redditor agreed. "Whether or not she chooses to live with her GF before they get married is their choice – I have heard arguments both ways of course. But you are allowed to make the rules for your home and her while she lives there."
Besides, living with a partner isn't easy.
Of course, people have different opinions on whether or not partners should live together before marriage — but quite a few Redditors agreed with the mom and said that living together would help them understand if they're truly ready to get married.
Since Leah and Sophie only see each other once a month, one Redditor pointed out, they're probably putting more effort in each time they meet up.
"The real test comes when you both come home from work exhausted, and some days you can't be bothered to wear anything but sweatpants, and you discover that you have incompatible sex drives, and your SO drinks milk straight out of the carton," the Redditor pointed out.
To one Redditor, living with a partner is the hardest part of a relationship: "IMHO one of the hardest things about being married is being roommates. It’s harder than being lovers or romantic partners or friends."
Overall, people think these young women probably still have more to learn before getting married.
Redditors couldn't agree on whether or not Leah and Sophie should live together (though many said they definitely should try it and see how it works out). But regardless, they could mostly agree on one thing: Leah and Sophie both have some growing up to do before they make the decision to get married.
These stories are based on posts found on Reddit. Reddit is a user-generated social news aggregation, web content rating, and discussion website where registered members submit content to the site and can up- or down-vote the content. The accuracy and authenticity of each story cannot be confirmed by our staff.
