Losing someone you love is one of the most difficult things anyone will ever go through in their lifetime, and it happens to everyone. Death is a part of life, albeit a very difficult and painful one to deal with.
It can be quite challenging to navigate the time of mourning and grief. It can seem like there is nothing that anyone could possibly say to make things better – and that's because it's essentially true.
You can't say anything to make a person in mourning feel 100% better, really. Only time will be able to do that. You can, however, make the grief a bit easier to deal with if you go about it in the right way.
Sometimes you may think that you are doing good with a harmless phrase, all the while causing even more harm. These are 10 things that no one should ever say to someone in mourning.
Have you ever been at a loss for words at a sad time like this? Did we miss anything from our list? Please SHARE to make sure that we all get the love and support we need in times of grief.
[H/T: Grief Recovery Method]
Thumbnail sources: Flickr, Wikimedia Commons
1. "Try To Find The Silver Lining"
Reminding someone of all the things that they still do have in this world, like children or grandchildren, isn't what they need to hear right now.
Instead of making the person in mourning look towards a future without the person they've just lost, try to remind them of the wonderful memories from the past instead. Wonderful memories will always be golden, but the future won't look so glittering in a time of mourning.
2. "He/She Is No Longer In Pain"
If the end was painful, that in itself was another whole level of hurt for the person you are trying to console. Try not to remind them of that suffering and instead offer a shoulder to lean on or a quick embrace.
3. "What Can I Do To Help?"
This might seem like a helpful thing to do, but it can actually put more pressure on the person in mourning, because they then have to take the effort to reach out for help. This can be difficult for a number of reasons.
Instead, tell them that you are coming over to make them dinner or tidy up one day during the week, or that you'll go grocery shopping with them. Be proactive instead of passive.
4. "I Know Exactly How You Feel"
It does seem like camaraderie in misery would be comforting, but it can come off as patronizing and diminishing of what that particular person is going through. Even if you have lost a loved one in your own life, each person will experience death and mourning differently, because no two relationships are the same. That deep-seated sorrow is particular to that one person, and there really is no other that can fully understand their pain.
As an alternative, tell them you can't possibly imagine what they are going through right now, which validates their suffering and keeps it their own.
5. "Everything Happens For A Reason"
This is a fine thing to say if someone misses their connecting flight or didn't get a piece of cake at a party, but certainly not in this situation. Most folks don't want to hear that there was purpose and reason behind the death of a loved one.
Even just telling the person that you have no idea what to say is a much better alternative, because it is probably true. This way, you're also showing them that you are honest and open for them to talk to, and Heaven knows that they need a person to listen to them.
6. "He/She Wouldn't Want You To Be Upset"
This may be true, but it's impossible not to grieve at this time. Grief is natural and vital in being able to fully process a tragic life event and to get past it as much as someone can get past it. Happiness will be possible again, but in due time. Don't try to force it upon anyone in mourning.
Instead, offer to go do something that your mourning friend or family member loved doing with the one they lost. A small bit of familiarity can bring much comfort.
7. "You're Doing Better Than I Thought You Would"
This person may just be really, really good at putting on a mask of happiness. That's when they need to be reminded that it's OK for them to be feeling terribly sad. Tell them that instead — tell them that it's human to be sad.
8. "You Have To Stay Strong For The Rest Of Your Family"
No one person is responsible for taking on the burden of staying strong, especially in the very early stages of mourning. Yes, in time, everyone will regain their strength and build each other back up, but reminding a mourning person of their duties in a future without the one they lost will do no good.
Again, remind him or her that it is OK to be very sad.
9. "It'll Get Better"
Again, making someone look toward the future without the one they lost can be painful, and they won't necessarily feel like they want to get better in the moment.
As an alternative, be there to listen to everything they have to say, even if it's just the list of groceries they need to pick up later in the week. Knowing they are heard is a gem more valuable than you know.
10. "How Did He/She Pass?"
If you don't know the reasons yet, don't bring them up to the surface. Your loved one in mourning will tell you the details if and when they feel comfortable and are ready. Don't bring it up until they do.
Did we miss anything? Let us know in the comments and please SHARE this helpful list with your family and friends on Facebook who get tongue-tied in difficult moments.
