People bring babies and children into their lives all kinds of ways, and for some individuals and couples, one of those ways is by having a friend donate sperm or an egg.
One couple shared on Reddit that while weighing their options, they decided to ask a friend if he would contribute to their baby-making quest. He agreed, and the arrangement has been working smoothly for seven years now. The donor is part of their child's life, though their kid doesn't know the exact details yet.
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Their donor recently made a huge request: He wants to tell his dying mother, who has lamented the fact that she doesn't have grandchildren, that she is in fact a biological grandparent … but the original couple aren't into the idea at all.
The friend agreed to be a donor for a good reason.
The dad of the child explained what's going on over on Reddit:
"I (37M) am 100% sterile due to a childhood accident. My wife (35F) and I considered our options when starting a family, and agreed a 'sperm donor' situation would be the most affordable/accessible option available to us. After looking into more traditional methods, we both concluded that an anonymous nut in a cup was a little weird and impersonal for us both; after a lot of irrelevant interlude, my best friend, John (39M), agreed to be the 'donor.'"
Only a few people know the details.
"This was years ago and my wife and I now have a son, Abram (changed obviously, 7M), from this arrangement; we've also adopted a second child, Lilly (4F)," the dad explained. "John is a part of both of my children's lives and we are all very close, but they have no clue he is Abram's bio-dad and neither really does anyone else. A few close relatives know he isn't biologically mine, but only because they know I'm sterile. Even our friends don't really know; it just isn't relevant and we're private people."
The friend has shown no interest in having kids of his own.
Part of the reason the arrangement has worked is that their friend doesn't want kids of his own:
"John is single and has been pretty much his whole life. He's financially and career motivated and just hasn't ever settled down, and doesn't really plan to now. With Abram, he has a bio-child and he can interact with him, but no responsibility at all; it works and hasn't been an issue until now."
But there's a plot twist.
"Although he has a brother (45M), his brother definitely will never have children," the original poster (OP) continued. "His mother (late 60s) has always sort of wanted grandkids, I guess, but never made much of a fuss. But she recently found she has terminal cancer and only a year or so to live, and has now been saying her big regret is never getting to be a grandmother, etc."
Now their friend wants to tell the kid.
"John has come to my wife and I and asked us to let Abram know he is his biological father, so that he can let his mother have a grandmother/grandchild relationship. Neither my wife nor I want to rock the boat in any of the ways that entails, and have told him as much."
They said no.
"But now he's saying after all he's done, all he's asking for is to let 'his son' know his family, and that he always assumed we'd some day tell everyone," the dad explained. "This is something we adamantly were not interested in doing, so I'm assuming this is all from him being shocked/upset about his mother, but I put my foot down and told him a solid no."
Now it seems a lot of people who know the situation think the couple is in the wrong, so they asked Reddit what they think.
People are not on the couple's side.
As a lot of people pointed out, this is why (a) lots of families go with anonymous donors, and (b) people have contracts put into place. One commenter advised:
"OP and wife should have started this conversation with their son years ago. Same goes for their adopted daughter. That way there is no surprise/traumatic reveal, its just another part of their family story. There are totally age appropriate ways to have this discussion. Google some books if you need help but have this conversation asap."
Some people sided with the mom and dad.
However, plenty of other people pointed out that this arrangement is probably what their friend agreed to, and he can't change it now.
"What happens when they tell Abram, John's mother dies, and then John wants to go back to less involvement in Abram?" a commenter posed. "John also wants them to go public with something that is clearly super private to OP and his wife. Just because they got a 'personal nut in a cup' does not mean that John can just decide when he wants to make parental decisions for a child he did NOT raise and is NOT responsible for, and after 7 years no court would grant him them either."
Ultimately, everyone is kind of messing up.
One person summed it up pretty perfectly:
"For all the reasons you said, I'm on the fence for ESH or NAH. I think they, all of them, just didn't think it through, but no one had bad intentions.
"Kids have a right to know who their bio family is. With adoptions, it's fine to limit interactions, etc. to what the legal parents want or per agreements. But to have this kid find out 'later' that the great friend of the family is actually his bio father will be a mind blowing thing. The older he gets, the worse it will be.
"Parents or wanna be parents find it so crucial to have a biological link, but then think the kids they create have no rights in knowing what their birth story is. It's incredibly selfish."
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