There's a certain dynamic that happens while in the office. Some coworkers you'll get along with, and some might be better for a brief chit-chat while on lunch. But with any mix of people, you'll find that boundaries may be tough to really put down. For many employees, sometimes humor is the best way to battle difficult conversations — especially when they happen more than once.
One woman found a great method to combat the "When are you having kids?" question, but she had no idea how her words would be taken by others. She asked Reddit whether or not she was in the wrong, and she likely learned a valuable lesson along the way.
"I thought I was strictly childfree for a while but I changed my mind and now I'm on the fence, but leaning more towards 'one day it'll happen, just not now'. Nobody really ever knew about my stance, then and now, because it's none of their business and frankly I think it's weird that people are so concerned about what I do with my uterus, but whatever," she began.
"I started at this job a few years ago and I work with a lot of different age ranges," she said. "The older generation of colleagues loves to know when I plan on starting a family and I'd always dodge the question, but eventually I started answering stuff like, 'And give up sushi for 9 months? No thanks.'"
Eventually, she had more fun with it.
And that's because, it can be hard to answer the same question on such a constant basis: "Eventually I started to get more and more ridiculous with my replies to the dreaded question, 'When are you having kids?' 'Oh not for a while, I just had lunch.' 'No thanks, I'd hate for it to grow up and become a Magic: The Gathering Player.' (I play MtG, don't come for me)."
"'But what if aliens take it? Can babies wear tinfoil hats?'" she continued. "'Why would I make kids when I can just make a tuna sandwich?' Some of my answers don't even make sense. They're intentionally stupid and I thought I wasn't causing any harm until I was called up by HR last week because one of my colleagues (who I've NEVER discussed this with, only ever to the older colleagues who ask when I'm having kids) who is struggling with her fertility filed a complaint."
That's when she realized that her jokes weren't funny to everyone.
And that's an important lesson to learn as well. Our words often have more weight than we think they do. While the original poster (OP) was trying to defend herself and her choices, she had no clue that she was making light of a topic that's quite serious for many women. It's heartbreaking to really want a family but have severe difficulty in starting one.
"I instantly felt absolutely horrible because what is so silly and innocent to me has upset my colleague who I actually really like," she said. "HR told me that they would handle my older colleagues, but I couldn't joke around about not having kids anymore because it might upset people."
The whole incident made the OP feel terrible, since it wasn't her initial intent whatsoever.
Now she's not sure what to do next to possibly remedy the situation.
"I didn't mean to upset anybody," she said. "I went home feeling absolutely devastated and told my husband who said that I'm not in the wrong. My friends think my comments were in poor taste though because it's natural for older people to see somebody my age and assume they're about to start a family." She also mentioned that she did tell her coworkers that the "having a baby" talk was off-limits prior to all of this, but they didn't listen.
"It sounds like your colleague is struggling, and infertility is terrible to go through, but if she's mad at ANYONE it should be your nosy coworkers! Not you," wrote Willowed-Wisp. "And, no, it is not 'natural' to assume anyone, of ANY age is about to start a family."
Because that may have been easier on HR. "Having to be around people who have no issue interrogating someone's pregnancy choices while struggling with infertility sounds like nightmare levels for anxiety," said ZeeLadyMusketeer. "Most HR I know will take the route of least effort and thus will only talk to the OP about it because talking to one person is easier than talking to a group."
While some people thought that the woman should have said nothing to HR, neobeguine addressed that issue from a point of understanding: "A lot of people struggle with jealousy and resentment when they're having infertility issues, and I could see an irrational flash of 'how dare you joke about not wanting something I would kill to have'. Totally unreasonable response, she should not have acted on it but…after my miscarriage I couldn't even look at the women going to the maternity ward (I'm a doctor, and the floor most of my patients in residency were on was 2 floors above the maternity ward, so I ended up averting my eyes in the elevator for a while). I obviously never said a word to those women innocently going about their business, but I remember that intense and bitter rush of envy."
No matter what, a little bit of understanding is important for all sides.
It's important for the OP to know that those suffering from infertility can be very sensitive. Many people only learn they're infertile after they openly try for children, and the struggle can be difficult — especially when conceiving a child seems so easy and simple to those on their social media timelines. But of course, her coworkers also need to have a stern talking to.
These stories are based on posts found on Reddit. Reddit is a user-generated social news aggregation, web content rating, and discussion website where registered members submit content to the site and can up- or down-vote the content. The accuracy and authenticity of each story cannot be confirmed by our staff.
