Being in tune with your emotions is one of the greatest skills to learn. But it doesn't always come naturally. Emotional intelligence is how you manage and regulate your emotions. That means that you know to keep your temper in check, and you feel empathy for others.
Emotional intelligence can be hard for kids. That's often why tantrums start. It's not the child being bad as much as the child not knowing how to properly regulate how they feel. It's important to remind your child that they're not the only person with feelings — and that sometimes, lashing out with harsh actions or words can make others feel bad.
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One of the biggest factors of emotional intelligence is understanding the emotions of others. That means that feelings like anger or sadness aren't confusing to your child. Here's how to create more lessons where your child's emotional intelligence will grow.
1. Read Books Together — And Discuss Them Afterward
Books are a wonderful resource for many reasons. But one of the biggest is that you can go on a fictional journey with your child. By reading books together, the two of you are sharing an experience together. You're also learning about new characters.
Take the opportunity to talk about the book while you're reading. When a character feels an emotion strongly, discuss it with your child. Ask questions like, "Why do they feel this way?" and, "Can you remember the last time you were also mad? What did you do?" The more you talk about emotions and emotional responses, the better your child will get at identifying them.
2. Validate Their Emotions
It can be really tough in the moment — believe me. When a child is screaming and angry over a small decision like what's for dinner, you might feel that ignoring them is the best way to get through the meal.
Instead, think about it. Sure, this issue may seem small to you, but for your child, having the choice of what to eat is huge. They don't have bills to pay or extensive homework to do just yet, so this can fill in as a source of stress. Validate that, and let them know that you see their anger.
By calmly saying something like, "I understand you're angry. How can we make you feel better so that we can openly discuss this situation?" you're showing your child that you hear them loud and clear, and you understand where they're coming from.
3. Take Responsibility for Your Actions as a Parent
Parents aren't perfect, nor should parents strive to be perfect. We're all human, and humans make mistakes. If your child tells you that you hurt their feelings, it's important to talk about it in full.
"I'm sorry I hurt your feelings by not taking you to the store. It was a quick trip that I needed to go on solo. Would you feel better if I made it up to you with a trip this weekend?" is a good place to start. It shows acknowledgement that an action had a consequence, but it's phrased in a way so that resentment won't build. It'll also let your child know that this is how they should respond in a similar situation.
4. Teach Kids the Importance of Listening
Way back in the day, Nickelodeon had a game show called Legends of the Hidden Temple. If you're into nostalgia, you likely remember it. One of the challenges that helped players advance required listening to a long story and later getting quizzed on it. It can be hard for kids to pay attention — especially when talked at by a gigantic prop rock called Olmec — so the challenge was interesting, and one kids at home could also play along with.
Listening skills are important for so many reasons. Not only will listening and comprehension help a child succeed at school, but it'll also help them develop socially. Make a game out of it if you can. Do something similar, where you read a long tale and then quiz your children. Listening skills can always be worked on and can help kids develop a stronger sense of empathy while they're listening to friends and acquaintances.
5. Practice Positivity
Positivity and emotional intelligence are linked. Without positivity, stress-related breakdowns or meltdowns can be more common. Positivity also opens the way toward understanding others better. Nobody enters a new relationship or friendship by thinking negatively about the person they're with. Positive interactions often help emotional intelligence grow more.
For parents, it's important to practice being positive. Don't put down individuals whom your child may be having a difficult time with, and try to navigate situations with a positive outlook. For example, something like, "Timmy stealing your ball at recess was the wrong thing to do, but did you wonder what led him to do that? Maybe he didn't feel included. Next time, ask him if he wants to play."
6. Critique Your Children, But in Positive Ways
It can be hard finding the line, but it's important for kids to know how criticism feels. That way, they can figure out how to react to it — and how to see the positive in it. Kids need to learn that critique isn't meant to hurt their feelings. Instead, it's offering tips to do an even better job next time.
Not everything should be critiqued. But it's a skill that you should try to express so that your child will know how to handle it when it comes from a teacher or boss. Find gentle ways to do it, and always tell them that you're proud of them for trying. With time, kids will pick up on the fact that some things take multiple times to perfect and that they shouldn't get angry or discouraged.
7. Donate to Organizations, or Volunteer
It's important for kids to realize that there's a big world out there. By volunteering at organizations like soup kitchens or homeless shelters, kids can start being appreciative for what they have. Even volunteering at an animal shelter can show kids that not everyone has a roof over their head.
These lessons don't just give back to the community — they also help build empathy. Those with a high emotional intelligence level often have a ton of empathy for others and are great friends in need. If you get your child out of their bubble of home and school on occasion, they can grow as individuals.
8. Create a List of Good Conversation Openers With Your Kids
Emotional intelligence is also often linked with confidence. And a good way to build confidence is to improve your people skills. You can put together a fun list of ice-breaker questions with your child so that they feel prepared to get a conversation flowing at school or at work. The more kids communicate, the more they learn about the world around them.
Good conversation starters include things like, "What's your favorite show?" "Who's your favorite Disney princess?" and, for older kids, "What's your dream career when you're an adult?" You should teach your child to not be afraid to ask questions. That's how they learn and create valuable connections.
