For the longest time, I thought that marriage was just something that two people did when they loved each other. Before getting romantically involved with men, the decision to get married seemed like such a simple one to make. I thought that one day, I would just know when the right man came along, and that he would be the one I would marry.
I dreamt of a magical, Disney-worthy love so strong that I would later tell our kids that, no matter what happened, “we always knew that we would be together.”
Let’s just say that now I know better.
Since I started dating, there has never been anything more confusing and complex in my life than my relationships with men.
My earliest relationships were fraught with anxiety and suspicion. Being young, inexperienced, and eager to please, I couldn’t help but wonder if my partners felt the same. And I've just never felt I could truly be certain of, or even tell if my boyfriends weren't involved with someone else.
Is that what finding the one feels like?
And it’s not just the possibility of infidelity that makes me question romantic relationships. So often I’ve felt jealous, paranoid, and insecure because the people I’ve dated have made it so difficult to know where I stand — one day saying they were eager to commit and spend their life with me, the next insinuating that our relationship had an expiration date.
Is that how the one would treat me?
I just can't imagine that, in a world with over seven billion people, everyone can be so sure that there is just one person out there who they are truly meant to be with.
Over time people change, and our feelings about what kind of person is the one changes right along with us.
Does that mean there is such a thing as the second one? The third one?
This all begs the question, how do truly know if you've found the right person? If you learn to love your partner for all the little things and characteristics that make them who they are, who says that you can’t learn to love another person?
A friend recently confided in me about his upcoming marriage. He spent months sincerely debating with himself if proposing was the right decision. He bought a ring and then he finally popped the question to his girlfriend.
After all of that and at the three-month-mark of his engagement, he expressed to me that he wasn’t sure if it was the right move at all.
At the time he proposed, I’m sure he believed he was doing the right thing. He certainly loves his fiancée very much — there’s no doubt about that. But the fact that he had months to really be sure but still ended up questioning himself not long after the engagement says so much about the precarious nature of love — the very foundation of marriage.
Now I know any relationship expert would say that it’s absolutely normal to feel some anxiety about getting married, but his reasons for doubting this next big step were concrete enough to not just rock, but totally obliterate his relationship.
We are taught from a young age that love is strong. Though it can be, there are just as many times when it is weak, especially when we’re not even sure what love for another person really entails.
Should my friend go through with his wedding, like many others have done before him, a flood gate of uncertainty and insecurity will likely open up. Anyone can feel “stuck” in a marriage, but perhaps falling out of love with one’s partner is even more heartbreaking. Committing your life to someone only to find out that you were wrong about them for years — that must force people to reconsider the very nature of spending your life with just one person.
In its most brute form, marriage is just a piece of paper and a two-syllable word. Let’s stop making something as fragile and volatile as marriage and the belief that we can all find the one the security blanket we rely on — it’s only a matter of time before it will fail us.
Please SHARE if this woman’s thoughts about marriage made you think about love!
