As a country, we're learning a lot about what it means to be anti-racist right now. As a result, many people are reckoning with some serious stuff. We're recognizing that the systems we have grown up in, which run our communities, and our larger ideas of what it means to be American are often unfair ones. We're realizing that family and friends can sometimes say terribly problematic and racist things. It's a time of learning, and it's a necessary one.
People are continuing to examine their own relationships with racism. For many, they were born into families that held racist beliefs. They have grown up in communities of limited people with limited worldviews. These people knew nothing but the racist ideas that surrounded them for many of the formative years of their lives.
The capacity for change is there. People can learn; they can grow. It's not to say those processes don't include complications of their own, but imperfect as they are, they exist. A popular Reddit thread asked users what made them change their minds in favor of equality. Their answers are enlightening about the many deeper roots of the issues we face as a nation.
A Reddit thread asking former racists what changed their minds is an illuminating look into what our country faces as we reckon with our history, our present, and our path forward.
“Education,” replied one commenter. “I grew up in the deep South. I mean, twenty years of my life was spent on the same exact street that my family has lived in for over a hundred years. I went to public school; K-12. So I basically grew up with the same people around aside from the occasional new student who made the questionable decision to move there. When we all graduated, we all went to the same exact community college.
“I just got tired of it. I made the decision to move North to go to college. One of the first courses I took was a sociology class about our country’s perspectives on different races.
“It instantly opened my eyes to how racist I truly was. I had been raised in it, genuinely brainwashed into the ignorant thinking that rule racist attitudes. I had never even stopped to ask myself if I were a racist until that class. It was then that I came to the hard conclusion that I was racist, homophobic, and sexist (I’m female and I had some harsh attitudes toward how a female should behave/dress/etc.).
“I’m ashamed of the things I used to think and the disdain I used to hold toward other people. But admitting to being wrong is the first step toward progression. I’m very glad that I took that class and that I realized my harmful behaviors. It’s something I think back to constantly and consider it as a turning point in my life.”
One commenter recalls realizing early on that the rules of racism seemed pretty arbitrary.
“My whole family is quite racist. When I was little I was trying to wrap my head around the rules of the world, so I thought it was as simple as different teams. Blacks vs Whites was just like the Red Sox vs the Tigers,” the commenter explained.
“Then my grandmother starts going on about how horrible Polish people are and how I’m never to talk to them. So I’m psyched! Screw those Polish people, whatever color they are, we’re mortal enemies. Then she points out our Polish neighbor to me. But… she’s white.
“I point out to my grandmother that she’s white so we’re on the same team. My grandmother says no, that she’s a mix-breed. I point out that my great-granddad was a Shoshone Indian and that I’m a mix-breed. She says that doesn’t count.
“That’s when I realized she was just making up the rules and I wasn’t going to play games with someone who couldn’t stick to the rules.”
Quite a few people said that until they formed personal relationships with Black people, they didn't realize how wrong it is to be racist.
"I never made the choice really to be racist, but I grew up in South Mississippi and my family wasn't overtly racist, but they were the kind to say racist things behind closed doors and didn't allow us to watch TV shows such as The Cosby Show or Fresh Prince and definitely no rap music in the house," the commenter wrote.
"I absolutely fell in love with a lot of black artists in the early '90s, I loved the hip hop scene at the time and holy [expletive] Fresh Prince was the best sitcom on television! I played football with 80% black guys and worked at Popeyes chicken with over half the staff being black.
"I guess you can say my own real-world exposure despite their attempt to shelter me changed me. I cringe at some of the vernacular I used in my early youth, as the N-word was the same as 'black' in my house, I literally was not raised to know that was a bad word. I'm glad that from the age of maybe 12 on I learned to love all people on my own."
One person replied with the story of how a family member "stuck in his ways" made the change.
“My uncle used to be the most racist person I knew and it drove me crazy, but he is an ‘old white man and set in my ways.’ Is what he would say when confronted. It all changed the day his great-granddaughter was born,” the commenter shared.
“His granddaughter had married a black man and he was unaccepting until that baby was born. She had him wrapped around her pinky finger from her first breath. Since then there are several mixed children in the family. It’s awesome to see the difference in his behavior. He genuinely loves them all and accepts the racially different spouses of his grandchildren and their children. If he hears anyone being racist he shuts it down.”
Another commenter shared a coworker's incredible story. "A guy [I] worked with said he was neo-nazi as a teenager, and ended up in prison somehow. He hated jews for some reason, and blacks. He was never clear on why, just that he had so much hatred in his heart, and that was his outlet," the commenter explained.
"He was in prison for many years. I think he almost killed somebody by beating them up. So, many years later and in prison there was a mentor-type staff there, and this one lady was so helpful to him, and she cared about him so much that it really started to get into his head the idea of being a positive person.
"Then, he learned that she was Jewish, and he said he couldn't believe she was so kind and caring despite the fact he was a claimed neo-nazi. From that day he swore to be a better person, he learned his lesson. He's a pretty great guy these days, doing his family thing and making sure his son grows up with lots of love and all that he didn't have. Really remarkable, great guy."
Someone shared the story of how domestic violence over racism is what opened their eyes to what was truly right and wrong.
“Short answer rap music and a curious mind. But what’s more impressive is how thick of a shell it cracked,” the commenter wrote.
“My stepfather who pretty much raised me was/is a klansman and so is his father, brothers, etc. This was an old fashioned family too. My. Mother didn’t speak unless spoken to my sisters were expected to marry who my stepfather chose, this was Normal to us. I was expecting to find a woman to marry and start a family as soon as I was 18.”
“I’m 23 now so this was recent, my stepfather beat my older sister black and blue for sleeping with a black man,” he continued. “He always told us that black people are rapists and gang bangers, and that Mexican while hard workers are all dirty people and will never amount to anything useful aside from cheap labor. He controlled what we watched and played to reinforce his beliefs in us.
“Some time in my late teens I discovered rap and was obsessed, first song I heard was by 2pac and I was obsessed, well as I learned more it lead me to Martin Luther King Jr and what he did for people of color. At some point I broke down crying because I realized everything I was told was a lie. When I realized I was an atheist I decided I couldn’t operate under my old mindset so I needed something to replace it and decided to go with the speech that broke my hatred. I decided I would judge everyone based on their actions not the color of their skin or who they prefer to sleep with.”
One person noted that racism is also an issue in minority communities, and the internalization of that racism has lasting consequences.
"I'm Asian and I grew up kind of resenting my parents for being different than my classmates' parents and I hated that they didn't know how to speak English. I had to translate for them all the time, call phone companies, go to the DMV with them, translate documents, etc and I grew resentful. So when I was in elementary school I told them that I wasn't Korean but that I'm a full-fledged American and I wasn't going to speak Korean anymore," the commenter wrote.
"I also hated interacting with other Asians that reminded me of my parents. aka textbook internalized racism. It wasn't until middle school when I had a teacher that validated my culture and actively tried to communicate with my parents that I realized that bilingualism is an asset and something I should be proud of.
"Now I'm going into teaching and have done some translating work on the side. People say my Korean is super fluent for an American born Korean and I really have my parent to thank for that. Now I'm super regretful for hurting them like that."
Serving in the military was the wake-up call that changed one Southern man's perspective.
“Good case could be made that I was racist as a kid, when I was raised by and surrounded by racists for my entire childhood. Stopped pretty quick when I joined the Army, since I got out of that small [expletive] southern town echo chamber, experienced we were all equally [expletive] in Uncle Sam’s eyes, watched another recruit get FTA’d for calling another recruit the N-word, witnessed a Drill Sergeant yank two recruits out and smoked the [expletive] out of them for flashing gang signs, and just generally got the idea that racism and tribalism was incohesive and destructive,” he explained.
“Didn’t fully stop for a while longer, though. Took decades to quit hearing my Dad or Mom in my head when I saw a black guy go down the street, going, ‘Watch out for that [racial expletive].’ [Expletive] is pervasive about being the first thing that pops up on reflex in your head. Squash it the next, but it still was the first for a while.”
A Black person shared how their experience being the subject of racism made them feel hateful toward other races, which became something they needed to overcome.
“I was in grade 10, a young, smart, athletic black kid attending a private school on a basketball scholarship … There were probably 5 black kids total in the high school with around 150-200 kids in total. Majority white, the rest asian and middle Eastern. Out of the 5 black kids in total, 3 of us were on the basketball team, the other 2 were females also on the female basketball team. Did we ever get bullied by our own classmates, teammates, and even the teachers seemed to give us a harder time,” the commenter wrote.
“After attending for 2 years and leaving after my grade 11 year due to the stress, unfairness, and imbalance of diversity – I attended a public school my last year of high school where there were over 1,000 students of every race. Having a deep hate for others who didn’t look like me after those 2 years, going to a public school where everyone just saw you as the person you are and not your outer shell, gave me some enlightenment that racism is taught … Not born with it in your blood.
“My mother told me that I would see a huge change in culture (for the better) and that kids in public school come from different classes (low, middle and upper) and I’ve got to see white kids who were poorer than me, and white kids who were richer than me…as opposed to the private school where everyone’s dad owned a Rolls Royce (not actually but you get what I mean).
“I grew a huge [appreciation] for every ethnicity and every culture, and realized that it’s how you’re raised, and how you’re brought up through your role models. People that hide behind the white picket fence are narrow minded and I feel truly sorry for them.”
One person shared that because of their exposure to an older relative, they held beliefs even their parents were unaware of.
“When I was a kid, both of my parents were in grad school and extremely busy, so my paternal grandmother spent a lot of time taking care of me. Unbeknownst to my parents, she filled my head with racist stuff about how I shouldn’t be friends with blacks or Latinos. Just stick to befriending the other Indian kids, though whites were acceptable too. One day, I said something about black people that caught my parents off guard (I don’t remember what) but my parents asked me where I had learned that and I told them,” the commenter shared.
“They talked to her and she never really changed her ways. This ultimately led to my parents no longer letting my grandmother live with us or be around my siblings and I without their supervision, because they couldn’t allow such a negative influence helping to raise us.
“My parents talked to me about why what my grandmother told me was wrong. It didn’t take too much to get me back to being a normal, non-racist person because I genuinely liked many of the black and Latino kids in my class.”
Sesame Street has meant so much to so many kids. For this commenter, it was a path to a better understanding of humanity.
"Sesame Street. I'm not even joking," the commenter wrote.
“Was raised in a slightly racist household in a pretty racist state. Seeing kids of all colors playing together made me wonder why my mom wouldn’t let me play with certain people. It kind of snowballed from there.”
Some people find that the journey happens in an "aha" moment. Others find that it's longer and more complicated.
“I grew up learning that Martin Luther King was a domestic terrorist and that there was a strict racial hierarchy with [racial expletive] being at the bottom. I knew in my heart it was wrong (even from a young age), but it also led to internalizing some ideas that were very wrong. I grew out of it at different points in my life,” the commenter explained.
“When I was in elementary school, I played basketball but I hated losing. One day after a game I was crying because I had lost and a young black boy named Joe came up to me and consoled me. We would soon become good friends and that destroyed any immediate fear I had of black people.
“By the time I entered college I had many friends of different backgrounds, but I still internalized negative ideas that I didn’t know were wrong. In my eyes, black history month or black lives matter was counterproductive and didn’t make sense. It would take a college education and learning how black history was systematically overwritten and destroyed, and how our criminal justice system is truly unequal even to this day that I understood the importance.
“The problem nowadays is that people assume you have to be wearing a Klan robe and burning crosses on someone’s lawn to be considered racist. It’s okay to recognize that you can potentially have racist thoughts and ideas as long as you’re actively trying to overcome them.”
"Learning history," another commenter shared, saying that education was a massive eye-opener.
"Simply cracking a history book and reading how things like Roosevelt's New Deal specifically excluded blacks so they were never able to acquire the inherited wealth or property ownership that my ancestors were. How the American legal and penal systems are enforced in a way to disenfranchise minorities to a disproportional level. The fact that what we consider 'normal' culture is just white European culture, so expecting those of other races and ancestries to adopt that to succeed robs them of their entire cultural identity …
“All those, and so many more examples that helped me better understand and confront my past racist thoughts.”
Someone realized that their sense of humor wasn't funny after all.
"My friends and I hurled sensitive words in private at each other as extreme dark humor 10-15 years ago," the commenter admitted.
“I think as our culture shifted and a more PC environment took hold I began to open my mind to how what I was saying was still completely morally bankrupt, regardless of how in private it was and in what way it was being said. I think another part of it was just growing up and becoming more mature. I simply and honestly realized that I wouldn’t like somebody throwing around derogatory words that crudely define and generalize me.
“And I think I’m getting to another point in my life that I just genuinely want people to be good to each other and want to help by. I’m sorry how I used to be in private and I want to be better.”
These stories are based on posts found on Reddit. Reddit is a user-generated social news aggregation, web content rating, and discussion website where registered members submit content to the site and can up- or down-vote the content. The accuracy and authenticity of each story cannot be confirmed by our staff.
