Divorce can come with a lot of complicated situations for families to overcome, especially when infidelity is the culprit. Kids can end up taking sides, which can cause painful splits in the family.
The family of one man is going through such a split. He took to Reddit to see if his bias is causing issues in his son's relationship with his mother. The original poster (OP) explained that his teenage son was the one who caught his wife cheating, which is what led to the split. Now the boy wants nothing to do with his mom.
OP wants to give his son the flexibility to deal with this in his own time and his own way, which means supporting his decision not to speak to his mom. Other family members are weighing in, saying the right thing for OP to do is to try to fix the relationship between them.
OP begins by explaining how his divorce happened.
"My wife (39f) and I (39m) are going through an admittedly pretty messy divorce," he shared.
"I thought everything was fine with our relationship until my son (14m) told me that he walked in on her cheating on me with our nextdoor neighbours son (20ish I think) – it's been going on for a year now."
OP filed for divorce and moved out.
"The thing is my son wanted to come with me. I made him stay with her till I got a place lined up but ever since he's been living with me," he continued.
"He is refusing to spend time with her or even speak with her. The entire time I've been supportive of this. She's scum as far as I'm concerned and I don't see why I should try to convince him otherwise."
OP and his ex are negotiating custody.
Of course, figuring out what's next for OP's son was part of the divorce process.
"We're both requesting primary and when it came to asking my son what he wanted, he said that he didn't want anything to do with my wife," he noted.
"Ever since then my wife has been plastering all over social media that I've been poisoning him against her which is causing a lot of other family members and others I know to get on my [expletive] about it."
OP admitted he was, at best, indifferent about his son and wife making up.
"While I wouldn't say that I've been poisoning him, I haven't exactly been trying to get him to think better of her, which is what some of my family members and friends are angry at me for doing," he explained.
"My sister especially has been on my [expletive] about it. She tells me that I should be telling my son off whenever he expresses how he feels about his mother and that I should be encouraging him to sort things out with her and to see things from her perspective."
OP doesn't feel like it's his place to try to fix things.
"While I understand that this is something that would help him get some form of relationship back with her, I honestly don't see how it's my place to do that," he continued.
"My wife cheated on me for a college kid and threw me and our son away for it, I don't get why I should be helping her to get away with this regarding our son and his feelings about the situation."
Some people felt that if OP was being honest about not trashing mom around his son, he should stay out of it.
OP wanted to know if he was in the wrong, and some people felt that considering the situation and his kid's age, he wasn't.
"As long as OP isn't actively trashing his ex then he's just being a good parent and listening to his kid vent," one commenter wrote.
"I can't imagine how traumatic it was for the poor kid to see his mom in bed with a neighbor who's not much older than him. Completely understandable he needs to distance himself from mom at this time."
Some people urged OP to get his son therapy, while others said not to force that either.
"He's not currently in therapy but that's his choice. I've told him that I can organise it if he feels like he wants it but so far he hasn't said that he does," OP said in his defense.
"Personally I feel that he would benefit from it seeing the changes in his behaviour that I've noticed but I don’t think it’s serious enough to force right now."
Ultimately, many felt like he should edge his son toward therapy.
"Your son is who caught her being unfaithful, so it's no surprise he is angry at her for breaking up his family unit. At 14, he is more than able to make the decision as to whether he would want to have contact with her or not. In court, a judge would also take his wishes into consideration, whether the soon-to-be ex likes it or not," one commenter noted.
"While you haven't expressly [expletive] about his mum to him, I think it's important you let him know that while your relationship with her is over, theirs doesn't have to be and she will always be his mum and love him. While you probably agree with any nasty comments he comes out with, in this situation it is always better to take the moral high road and not allowing him to become a pawn between you during your divorce proceedings. He's obviously very angry and like others have said, sounds like he would benefit from some therapy to help deal with these emotions."
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