Watching children grow up and have their own relationships can be a joy for parents, but it can also be tough. One mom has shared on Reddit that she and her husband are navigating a tricky situation with their 19-year-old daughter, who is in a relationship with a 36-year-old man.
She begins, "I (42f) told my 19 year old daughter who currently lives with her fiancé (36m), that she must either chose us or her soon to be husband unfortunately, who she met when she was newly turned 18 at her father’s (49m) business conference. He has made it seem like we are the bad guys who don’t want them together but that is not it."
They don't like who their daughter is now.
"We don’t want them together because of who she has become," the mom continues. "She is now distant, only gives us bland replies which we know he has indoctrinated her with, she hasn’t spoken to her father at all because she doesn’t want 'work issues' between them, which again wouldn’t happen."
They also think he proposed too soon.
"He lavishes her with materialistic gifts just so he can manipulate her into loving him or his 'company'. He proposed to her just after a year of their relationship."
The holidays are making things tense.
"Now that thanksgiving is near, we invited her and him over because we knew she wouldn’t come if we didn’t invite him," the mom explains. "She still declined and told us she was going to his 'family's cabin'. We tried to tell her they can come a couple of days after thanksgiving and she still declined."
They haven't spoken in three days.
"That is when I called her and told her, 'this isn’t going to be tolerated by me or your father any longer'. I informed her that she must either respect our wishes or his and that 'it’s either us or him, who do you pick?' and she just told us to sleep because we seemed sleep deprived from the foolish questions we were asking."
People are not on the parents' side.
One commenter put it this way: "This man has a million red flags and is clearly trying to ensure all family and friends shut her out and stop contact – a clear sign of an abuser. They stop contact with everyone so that she's stuck in the relationship and has no one else to turn to. IMO I would apologise and say you are always here for her no matter what because ultimately that could be her lifeline."
They think he will use their words against them, too.
A second echoed this, writing, "Also, as someone who’s been in abusive situations, the ultimatum will be used as ammo against the family. It will be a classic « if they loved you like I do they wouldn’t do this to you », or « your family doesn’t believe in our love », « they treat you like you’re still a child, but I see who you really are »"
Right now, their daughter needs help.
As a third person put it, "I think your child needs your help and support now more than ever.
"I get what you are trying to do and why but it seems obvious she will not choose you guys and will choose that a** pervert who went after 18 year olds.
"But if you choose to disown her or something like that she will end up being alone, isolated from everyone who can help her escape that toxic relationship."
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