Marjorie Ingall, one of the authors of Sorry, Sorry, Sorry: The Case For Good Apologies and Getting to Sorry: The Art of Apology at Work and at Home is quite familiar with apologies, but when a doctor made a mistake and later apologized, she was impressed by how good the apology was.
It all started with a conversation about weight loss. In a piece for Today.com, Marjorie explained that her doctor retired and she needed to find a new one. The first time she saw the new doctor, she kept talking to Marjorie about losing weight and recommended weight-loss drugs to her.
Marjorie wrote in the article: "I’m in my 50s and fat; I wear a women’s size 16-18. Still, I’m basically healthy and active." She considered using the weight-loss drugs, but ultimately decided against it. When she emailed her doctor to share this with her, the "prejudice" she has experienced due to "biases toward and stigmas about fat people," motivated her to share something else with her doctor.
She wanted to tell her that she did not want to have any more conversations that centered on weight loss.
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She told her doctor that she would be OK with talking about exercise and a healthy diet, "but not with weight loss as the goal." "If that won’t work for you, no hard feelings," she wrote in her email. “I can look for another PCP.”
Marjorie admitted in her article that she doesn't necessarily love her body, but there are plenty of things she does love about herself. She was also concerned about the drug's potential side effects. "I simply didn’t want to become thin by injecting a medication," she wrote.
The message she received in response to her email about her decision surprised her. Upon reading it, it became very clear to her that the message was not intended for her, but for her new doctor.
The message she received said this:
"If you like her, and you can remember, you can try to always say 'exercise and low-calorie diet can reduce the stress on your liver,' since she says you are allowed to talk about diet and exercise. If she is not worth trying to dance around your language, she is giving you a clear option to say 'seeeeeeeyaaaaaa.'"
Needless to say, the doctor who accidentally sent this was embarrassed when she noticed her mistake.
Because of her research, Marjorie knows a lot about the art of apologizing — and she admits that apologizing is hard. She pointed out that some people will use phrases like “sorry you took it that way.” But the doctor didn't do that at all. Instead, the quality of her apology really impressed Marjorie.
The doctor's email read: "I am very sorry that I sent that to you. I am very embarrassed when I read it to imagine how cold it sounds. I am sure any apology reads as very hollow. I did just call but your phone went directly to voicemail, so I could try to apologize live rather than under the cover of e-messaging. Medical training has many failings. I have demonstrated one very large failure with that message, which you did nothing to deserve and I deeply wish I could undo it."
The doctor continued by writing, "I apologize again for sending a message that was alienating. You did nothing to deserve that and I am sorry for inflicting it on you in my carelessness."
Though reading the initial message was obviously hurtful, the apology from that doctor helped Marjorie feel better. Later, her doctor called her, also to apologize and "nearly in tears."
The incident happened more than two years ago, but Marjorie still sees this doctor, and she credits "the power of good apologies."
"I think the incident improved our relationship. She’s done her best not to discuss weight loss, though it’s not natural for her," Marjorie wrote. "She makes time to chat — a rarity in our world today."
Marjorie's latest book about apologizing, Getting to Sorry, is available now.
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