There are a lot of aspects of divorce and co-parenting in the aftermath that can be difficult to navigate. In a lot of situations, parents try their best to shield children from hard truths. They may know mommy and daddy don't love each other that way anymore, but they don't always know what caused that change.
One mom is grappling with how to navigate this because of a situation with her ex and her 7-year-old daughter. In her Reddit post on the subject, the mom shares that her ex-husband was abusive to her, resulting in her obtaining a restraining order. He has supervised visitation with their daughter, but at her young age, she doesn't know why.
Things with the ex and her daughter have been good, and while mom is happy to see them forming a real relationship, she didn't know what to say when her daughter asked her if daddy could come to her Thanksgiving school play.
Mom explained that her daughter has had a lot of questions about her dad.
"My daughter (F7) has been asking a lot of questions about her dad which is aka my ex husband," the original poster explained.
"She still sees her dad via visitation that is supervised by her grandparents (aka ex mother-in-law and father-in-law) and lately I noticed she's been talking about him a lot in a positive way and which I'm glad."
The relationship between dad and daughter has improved a lot.
"I picked her up from spending the weekend with her grandparents … she was happy and telling me all the fun things she did with him," OP was happy to report.
"Then she asked me if he can come to her thanksgiving play Wednesday."
Having both her parents attend is a little more complicated than the little girl thinks.
"I then told her no and I just told her it's too soon and that he probably can't take off work," OP shared.
"The actual reason is I have a restraining order against him…"
The mom continued: "She then told me he told her that he can come, it's just up to me."
Any parent, especially one who has dealt with matters of custody, can imagine the mix of feelings that could come up from being put in that situation. OP felt painted into a corner.
Obviously, OP was pretty annoyed.
"So now I'm looking like the one that is preventing him from coming which he knows exactly why he can't come. So I just tried to explain that daddy just really hurt mommy and I'm still sad about it," OP shared.
"She then tells me,that daddy is nice now and that I should be forgiving. I then told her just some things are unforgivable, she starts crying."
OP feels heartbroken by this situation.
"I tried to come up with a solution and say I can stay home and her dad can go and I can watch on FaceTime and it just made her more upset," she revealed.
"So I then called my sister and told her about the Situation and she believes it might be time to tell her the truth."
OP is worried what that information could mean to her daughter.
"I just think I shouldn't because if my ex is actually going to parenting classes, anger management and therapy, then he should try to get a relationship with our kids," OP said.
She asked the folks of Reddit whether she would be wrong for telling her daughter the truth.
Many commenters supported OP in telling her daughter.
Many admired OP for trying to give her ex the benefit of the doubt, but still thought he was forcing her hand in the situation.
"This is a 'you toss the court under the bus' situation," one commenter wrote. "You tell her that it's neither your decision or her dad's decision. The court has decided that you and dad are not to be in the same location at the same time, and you follow what the court says."
"Keep documentation of what he's saying," another commenter added. "It's illegal in many areas to try to manipulate the child during separation proceedings. There's apps which will allow all communication to be saved for court. What he's doing is not ok and he should be ashamed of himself. Consult an attorney."
All commenters wanted to see OP protect herself and her daughter.
"Tell your daughter ASAP in an age appropriate way. By telling her, you're protecting not just you, but your child from his manipulation. Currently, you're exposing her to his mind games," another commenter leveled.
"Children who grow up knowing the truth of these situations can be taught how to protect themselves. Your ex is already proving that he will try to weaponise his relationship with your daughter against you. Don't let him.
"Also, it may be worth going back to the courts to clarify the supervision of his visitation, as this sounds like classic parental alienation. You need to be careful not to undermine the restraining order, because if you give permission for him to be around, his lawyers could use that to get the whole restraining order thrown out. Protect yourself and your child before anything else. Your ex has a right to see your daughter ONLY when it's safe for everyone involved."
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