It is necessary to spread breast cancer awareness throughout the year. So, this year I documented the process of my recent mammogram in a light-hearted way, in hopes of making it a less ominous procedure, particularly for those who have not yet experienced the process. When I say that I "documented the process," I do not mean the actual event. Let’s all remain calm.
Men, this is about mammograms, so you might think you are off the hook with this post, but no, you get to read too and encourage your wife to go. Here is what you do: go with your wife to the appointment, have a handful of distracting, hilarious YouTube videos ready to pull out in the waiting room, and then take her on a day date. Let’s be honest, you can not swing a dead cat without hitting a Hooters in this country; that is how I know you are capable of reading about and discussing breast health.
If you have never had one, you should know mammograms are not physically painful. When women ask if they are painful, I imagine everything they have endured as a woman and want to ask if putting slight pressure on an area of their body hurts as much as childbirth, getting a tattoo, waxing, or having chemical peels done. I want to ask which takes more time and effort: the Beach Body diet plan they have stuck to for months, or a 10-minute mammogram? Because if this process promised to make us thinner or younger, it could hurt 10 times more and we would all go twelve times a year.
The first step is you walk through the door.
Given my druthers, I would deliver a roundhouse kick to the door and enter Superwoman style, but knowing that would be terrifying for everyone else, I selflessly walk in the regular boring way.
Next, you will fill out paperwork.
Know what took the sting out of my paperwork? Being given the opportunity to complete it using this sweet Bic pen tricked out with ribbon tassels. Then they upped the good times by strapping an ID bracelet on my wrist proclaiming me a zebra. I excitedly told the check-in lady that I had by chance worn a black and white patterned sweater that day, and she said, “Oh. It’s nice.” I like to think it sunk in five minutes after I walked away.
Paperwork complete, you can absorb the room’s decor, an appreciated distraction because waiting rooms tend to usher in unwelcome memories of sitting in oncology waiting rooms with my mom as a teenager. Luckily, offices oriented towards women are my favorite. Every ad features an absurdly happy woman playing tennis, while a beaming toddler, holding a kitten, rests on her hip. It sums up every day of my life, and when I am around these pictures, I finally feel understood. But today was extra special. Today, there was this lady:
You know this woman throws down hard in the self-help section at Barnes and Noble.
Let me just say this to marketers everywhere: if you want people I know to attend a “women’s health event,” you need to use a picture depicting friends in the throes of an intense Nerf gun war placed directly above an announcement that a '90s gangsta rapper will be the headliner. In fact, if one of the ladies shown in the bottom row of headshots were rolling her eyes, it certainly wouldn’t hurt. Furthermore, tacos, because I am going to tell you right now that the free breakfast mentioned on the poster is going to be honeydew melon and cantaloupe, with an occasional grape kicker. I won’t stand for it.
Next, you will be beckoned to the changing room.
It’s pretty glam. It holds a hospital gown, a bench, a People magazine, and this sign:
“WOMEN ABOUT TO BE X-RAYED?” Why is there a question mark on this? It is reminiscent of my 11-year-old telling a story. “Today, at school? We were in the cafeteria? And my friend, Sam? Milk shot of his nose? And it was funny!”
Also, looking at the sign, I once again found myself wishing the seven years of Spanish classes I took had culminated in me understanding Spanish. I kind of wonder if the bottom half of the sign announced something fun, like an invitation to a fiesta celebrating the completion of my 2017 mammogram! I can, however, safely rule out that the sign says, "I play the guitar while drinking beer in the shower,” because that sentence I do know.
This next move separates the amateurs from the professionals.
You must steal deodorant wipes.
Deodorant and lotion during a mammogram are a big nope, so they supply these to accommodate you after the exam. Any fool knows taking coffee and bottled water from a waiting area instantly knocks $2 to $3 off any appointment. Well, pilfering deodorant wipes will get you back on your feet financially after upgrading to the 3D mammogram that insurance will turn down even though it would be more prudent to pay for preventative care than treatment. And you know I took two extra because I am nobody’s fool.
Now, throw on your gown. Delight in your glory…and also in the fact that you get to keep on your pants. (You just feel emotionally attached to your pants now.) Some places provide heated gowns. When this happens, you are experiencing life as royalty.
Next, head into the exam room. Be sensitive to the fact that the technician is vying for the weirdest patient of the day story and that you alone can help her achieve this dream. Make strange jokes about the mammography machine being a Transformer, and say things like “I am one bad mammo-jamma!” until uncomfortable silence floods the room.
Your exam is now complete, and you nailed it. Leave and immediately buy yourself a celebratory overpriced coffee, but not the Starbucks cold brew, because you will be awake until your next annual mammogram.
I realize that I’ve spent an entire post taking a lighthearted approach to a heavy topic. When it comes to the issue of breast cancer, I am all too aware of how hellish the disease is. A few hours after my appointment I got the glorious call saying everything looked fine, which afforded me the ability to write this in a playful manner. It also allowed me to let out my yearly exhale of relief. More than once, I have received the call. The one where I’ve had to go back for further testing. It’s nerve wracking. And not just for women, but for our family members too.
I want you all to know that it is not easy for me to go. It involves reliving the past and taps into some of my deepest fears for the future. But it is so incredibly important to remember that getting a mammogram does not give you cancer. It will just reveal any sneaky stuff that has already been going on in your body. My mom did not have her first mammogram until she had already found a lump. We live in a day and age where early detection gives us women a real advantage and I want to help protect the lives of women. Any reason you have for not getting a mammogram is just not sufficient. Thankfully, low-cost and free mammograms are available.
If you are scared of going, call a family member, or friend to go with you. If you are in need of distraction and grown adults that use inappropriate behavior and humor to muscle through awkwardness, call me. Bottom line — go. We can do hard things together, but let’s have the upper hand by making those hard things a bit easier by taking advantage of early detection.
For more from Amanda and Katie visit their blog Sprained My Funny Bone, Facebook, or Instagram.
