Stepparents often find themselves walking a fine line when it comes to raising their stepchildren. Some families find ways to blend their families easily, and others struggle with taking basic steps toward making new relationships work.
One stepmom has shared on Reddit that she might have overstepped in a big way, and now her stepdaughter's mom is upset. Commenters are split about what she did — and what she should do going forward.
She has a good relationship with the 10-year-old.
"I (30F) have been married to my husband Dan (36M) for almost 4 years," the stepmom began. "We don’t have any kids together, but he has a 10-year-old daughter from his last marriage, Emma. Dan and his ex-wife Eve, both get equal time with Emma. Dan and Emma have always had a good relationship, and I love Emma to death… she’s a great kid."
Unfortunately, she doesn't have a great relationship with her husband's ex.
"On the other hand, Eve and Dan don’t get along and she has never liked me… and I understand the resentment," she continued. "Dan has said that when they were together that he was not a great husband to her, and their divorce was tough on everyone involved."
Her stepdaughter recently needed help.
"The problem started when Dan was worried because Emma was acting like something was wrong, but she wouldn’t tell him anything," the stepmom explained.
"I eventually talked to Emma, and she told me that over the holiday, her cousins had made jokes about her chest/body and told her that she needs to wear a bra. She thought that her training bra would be fine with the shirt that she wore that day, but that the cousins still noticed her chest and made fun of her. She didn’t feel comfortable telling her dad what happened, because, in her own words, she 'felt gross.'"
So she stepped in.
"I did the best that I could to comfort her about what happened. I told her that she isn’t 'gross' but rather that she is perfectly normal, and her cousins were just being awful. She seemed to feel better after we talked for a while, and I told her she's always welcome to talk to me about 'girl stuff.'
"Later I told Dan what she said, and I asked him if it would be weird if I took Emma out to buy her a couple of bras with different support/padding, along with new clothes. He said that he didn’t think so and he even offered to go himself but said that he would be clueless, and it would probably be awkward for both of them."
Then she told the girl's mom what happened.
"So, the next day I asked her if she wanted to go, and she was up to it, so I took her. We didn’t get her anything crazy, just some clothes and underwear to last her until she promptly grows again in a week.
"The night before Emma was supposed to go back to Eve, I (stupidly) decided to text Eve to let her know what had happened, that Dan and I had handled it already and that while Emma was okay, that she might want to check in on her."
Now her mom is upset.
"Eve sent me a super long reply, saying that it was not appropriate of me to have 'body conversations' with Emma, and that I had crossed a pretty serious line. Eve said that in the future, she wants Dan and I to let her handle all body conversations and situations with Emma… because these things should be handled by her mother… something she said I would understand if I had kids of my own.
"I told her that if I had known this was important to her, I would’ve reached out to her and let her handle it… but I was only trying to help Emma, a child that I love dearly."
The stepmom isn't sure what to do next.
"It was pretty clear that her feelings were hurt that she missed a milestone with Emma and that she doesn’t trust me," the stepmom said. "Dan says that she’s just inventing problems, but I can’t help but feel like even if I had good intentions that I might have accidentally overstepped."
A lot of commenters see both sides.
As one person put it, "Sometimes kids just want to talk to somebody who’s 'not mom'. I have a great relationship with my kids. When my oldest and his now wife were 17 they had a pregnancy crisis. I was looped in from 'mom we need a pregnancy test'. Her parents still don’t know. But there are things my sons preferred to talk to 'not mom' about. I was grateful they had other adults in their lives they could trust for those moments and didn’t get all butt hurt. Raising kids is a group effort in a lot of ways. Different perspectives really can help children as they navigate growing up."
But others aren't so sure the stepmom did anything wrong.
Of course, not everyone agrees. As another person put it, "Emma didn't develop over the holiday. She got bullied for ill-fitting bras. We don't know why Eve hasn't talked to Emma yet. I would guess she's just as critical with her daughter and isn't a safe person to talk to.
"10 is young to be developing and Moms can really drop the ball. This happened to me. I was made to feel like a monster for developing so young. My aunt gifted me a training bra and I was already in womens' sizes-everyone laughed.
"I would just show the text to Dan and let him handle his ex. He was part of the decision to go shopping and it's within his right to handle it."
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