Blending families can often be difficult — especially if one side doesn't find it important to keep the peace and form a long-lasting connection. A former stepmom has been confused about how to proceed after trying to deal with her husband's children, both before and after his untimely death.
So, like many, she went to Reddit to get a new perspective on the matter.
According to her, it was more or less doomed from the start. "I (49) have two stepchildren 'Leo' (19m) and 'Adam' (17m). I entered their lives when they were 7 and 5 and despite my efforts they never warmed up to me," she said. "I wasn't trying to be their 'mom' but just another loving parental figure. They told their dad how much they didn't like me when [he] told them that we were engaged and told my husband that they didn't want him to get married."
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Despite her best efforts, she knew that her husband really wanted to include his sons as part of their family. "Their dad reassured them that they would always be a big part of his life and asked them to give me a chance," she said. "We even went to their mother for help but she refused. They refused to come to the wedding and wouldn't spend the holidays with their dad if I was there."
It's possible that they were waiting for their parents to get back together, but the lack of respect is just rude. "I was hurt over it for a very long time but eventually grew to accept that this is how things were going to be and just tried to focus on my own children," she said. "Although my husband always held out hope that one day we could all be one big happy blended family."
Unfortunately, the relationship became harder to navigate after her husband died. "Tragically my husband passed away in an accident," she said. "It was hard and after the funeral Leo and Adam never reached out to us again. They barely acknowledged their half-siblings (9m and 9f) at family events with my husband's side of the family and I was sad for them."
It seems as if they only showed interest when money was involved.
"Fast forward to now and my niece, SIL's daughter, is going to college and I agreed to give her $30,000 after sophomore year," she said. "My husband loved his sister and niece so I was more than happy to do it. Word got back to Leo and Adam and they learned that their father had a huge life insurance policy that I was the sole beneficiary of plus my side business is now turning over a sizable profit." You can see where this is going.
"They reached out to me angry that I was hoarding their father's money and threatening to sue if I didn't tell them how much I got and get half," she explained. "I was upset but calmly explained to them that 1) Life insurance isn't the same as an inheritance so they had no legal claim to it 2) When I initially received the pay out I gave some to their mom to hold on to them until they were of age. They didn't believe me until I sent them proof and apparently their mom used the money to cover living costs and there was nothing left for them."
You'd assume that would be that, but — nope.
She is also getting pressure from her late husband's mother. "Since I used some of the insurance money to fund my business MIL is asking me to pay for Leo and Adam to go to school, but I don't want to," she said. "They literally haven't spoken to me in years and the first time they do it's to demand money. MIL asked me to think of my own children and how Leo and Adam may take out their resentment towards me on them." That sounds more like a threat — obviously the two were never interested in their siblings before.
The OP (original poster) added some extra information, especially in regards to the will. It turns out, he didn't get the chance to make one. "There wasn't an official will but it was my husband's intention to make one once he turned 60, but he died in his late 40s," she said. She also cleared up information about the money already given. "I didn't put the money into a trust for them because I trusted that their mom would do what she thought was best for them and didn't bother to keep tabs on it."
Most people agreed that she did nothing wrong.
"Leo and Adam are already resenting their half siblings," stated jasemina8487. "Plus you already gave money to their mother for [them] but she used it all. Your money your choice. You owe them nothing." Still, it may be hard for the OP not to let the guilt get to her.
Since she knew how much her late husband cared about the boys, the pressure may be immense. But really, this seems to be more like karma. One of the best things you can be in this world is kind. While divorce can be tough, it's also a little rude that the boys openly omitted their stepmom from so many activities growing up. For them to suddenly expect her to hand out money that isn't legally theirs is somewhat laughable — and fully on their mom, especially since this death happened some time ago.
That said, some people did pity their mother.
"To be fair, I don't think the mother is in the wrong here either, since OP said she used the money to cover up their maintenance costs," wrote bpoloana. "We need to take into account, their mother went from having a coparent who paid child support for their two kids to having to support them on her own, so of course she would struggle to pay rent/mortage, food, clothes, general bills, etc. For her and the kids. That money was given to her to support the kids, and she used it for that, it sucks that there wasn't money left for a college fund but this wasn't due to financial [irresponsibility] on her part. She couldn't have predicted her kid's father dying and supporting three people on a single paycheck is hard."
But the OP was also living life as a single mom. While the mom of Leo and Adam might not be a villain at heart, things could have been much easier on both sides if she tried to teach her sons to be more open. Failing to even acknowledge the OP is on the adult in the situation. Adam and Leo could have been led by example.
Honestly, the kids will never warm up to their stepmom, even if she handed over all of the money. They had years to do just that, but they didn't even try. No matter what the OP does, she'll still be seen as the villain in their eyes — and that's the most unfortunate part about the whole thing. They never got a chance to even know her. "It seems OP did everything right," states thistleandpeony. "It sounds like the stepsons are telling themselves their wicked stepmother stole all their hard-working father's money and is denying them their rightful inheritance. It feeds their long-held dislike of her while providing a noble justification for what is actually just greed."
Thus, it's in the best interest for the OP to cut them off and refuse to give in to their claims. Legally, it seems as if she has every right to the money. And much of it seems to be legitimately her own, earned after her husband's death. Hopefully, one day, Adam and Leo will realize how horribly they've treated their stepmom. But their fate isn't in her hands, since they never truly considered her to be a parent.
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