Jameela Jamil recently took to her Instagram Stories to share a message with new dads. She clearly had good intentions when she posted it, but now, people are calling her out for putting men on a pedestal for doing the bare minimum.
The level of praise that dads often get for doing things that are just expected of moms has obviously left a lot of women feeling exhausted by the double standard. So, that’s probably why Jameela’s post rubbed so many people the wrong way, even though it seemed relatively innocuous on the surface.
The post was addressed to men and, more specifically, to dads.
In it, Jameela shared a story about a husband who cared for his wife after an emergency C-section. The post outlined some of the things that this husband did to care for his wife, and Jameela captioned the post with, “Dear men, especially dads. THIS is what we want.” (Jameela does not have kids of her own and appeared to be sharing someone else’s post).
“I’ve just had a baby last week via emergency C-section, and the way my husband has cared for me has made me feel complete and total love and safety,” the original post that Jameela shared read. The post went on to list some of the things the husband did to care for his wife.
“I’m talking about helping me change bloodied maternity pads, washing me in the shower, administering the injections I need, feeding me wholesome food, making sure I get rest and everything else I need right now – as well as equally caring for our two children,” the post continued. “I’ve fallen in love with him all over again.”
To some people online, this sounded an awful lot like the “bare minimum.”
Jameela’s post sparked a debate on Reddit, where some commenters argued that celebrating this behavior when exhibited by men (but not by women) helps perpetuate patriarchal ideals.
“The fact that this is celebrated as something extraordinary is depressing af tbh,” one person wrote. “This is basic care of someone when in need, let alone for the person who has just grown a person you helped create in her own body, birthed it and will continue to nurture it for the rest of her life at the sacrifice of her own.”
Someone else said, “Praising men for being good is often just rewarding them for not being actively awful; women are never held to the same standard, not even remotely.”
At the same time, women could understand why this mom felt truly cared for by her partner and why it felt so significant to her. “While it’s bare minimum for a partner to support you through labor, it’s still an extraordinary moment that can bring you closer,” another commenter said. “To me it was absolutely romantic looking at my partner’s eyes while they supported me through it.”
But people argued that women shouldn’t even have to explain this to men.
So, the fact that Jameela highlighted it as an example of what women want is what bothered some people. To many, caring for your partner seemed like a given.
“For a lot of new moms, no one tells them they need this until it’s happening and they feel like they shouldn’t have to explain because- hello! A person just came out of my BODY!” someone wrote. “Thankfully some of us have men who are alive and pay attention and don’t need to be told what to do and how to take care of people.”
“lwk it makes me so sad bc this is like… basics of being a decent life partner???” another commenter said. “like the bar is so low.”
At the same time, several people argued that the level of care described in the post is not “the bare minimum.”
One commenter described it like this: “…women absolutely provide this level of care all the time, and acknowledging that women don’t get praised for it and it’s just expected of us is a totally fair call-out. I think we can still call out that double standard without saying things that just aren’t true though, and this isn’t the bare minimum. It’s a healthy, loving relationship and a lot of men are failing to provide that and should be shamed.”
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