Parenting is a lot harder than I figured. And it's not because of the tantrums and the random phases. It's because as a mother, I just want my daughter to be happy. And that means that sometimes I'll choose the option that'll lead to fewer tears and frustration.
Of course, every action leads to a reaction. If my daughter knows that I'll cave on small issues, she may use this to my disadvantage. Sometimes, you just have to say no to your child. But you have to choose your battles. Sometimes, it's fine to let them wear mismatched pajamas if it's making them happy. Who's going to judge you? If someone does, they obviously haven't been around too many opinionated toddlers.
I'm not saying I'm a pro — as with everything in parenting, I'm learning along the way. But I've learned that it's really important for your child to do things and take control if they really want it. That's part of growing up. And while it may be frustrating for you to wait 10 minutes for them to successfully get their socks off without any help — one day, you'll miss these moments.
Here are eight ways to acknowledge your toddler's independence without totally spoiling them.
1. Let them choose their own outfits.
But limit it to a certain three. Otherwise, you'll have to rearrange their closets and drawers on a daily basis, which is a task that no one has time for. This may seem like a small choice, but it's a great one for kids. You may not think this, but 2-year-olds definitely have a favorite shirt. Let them wear it without making a huge scene.
Some parents also cringe at children mixing and matching their own outfits. Just remember — as long as they're warm enough, they're not hurting anyone.
2. Listen to them in regard to food.
You don't want to force your child to have a problem with food. But you also don't want them to be the kid who eats only peanut butter and jelly. Most food refusals are just an act of independence and control. Try presenting veggies in a new way. That, or successfully hide them. Toddlers will never guess that there's spinach in their morning fruit smoothie if they don't see you make it.
As children get older, you should honor the top three foods they just don't like. But — just like with clothes — they can have only three. That means if chicken, carrots, and peas are on the list, they'll have to add one of those back into their diet if they suddenly realize they hate fish. This gives your child some control while also making sure they're getting their nutrients.
3. Let them have some say in their schedule.
Perhaps the list of to-do's includes bathtime and bedtime. Both of these are very important, but your child is dreading them since they want to keep playing. Allow toddlers to have some say in the schedule. Tell them that a bath will definitely happen, but if they're good, you'll allow them more bath toys. That, or invest in tub crayons. There's no reason why these events can't be fun every once in a while.
You can also give them a time limit. Don't take away their toys immediately, but tell them they have three minutes left to play. Then set a timer. They should be able to have some closure on their activity.
4. Don't give in to begging.
Kids are going to beg. It's just what they do. But what you need to do is stand your ground until the end of the day. However, you should let them know that if they meet a certain level of accomplishment tomorrow, then you'll consider honoring their request.
This is important for a few reasons. For one, your toddler knows that you're in charge and that you can't be swayed. But they still feel listened to. If they really wanted something yesterday and still want it today, it's obviously something very important to them.
5. Celebrate your child's goals.
Kids want your approval. And even though some actions, like turning off the lights or taking off a shirt, may not deserve applause when you do them, these are huge milestones for toddlers. And they know that. Psychology Today states that one of the best things you can do to nurture your child's independence is to show confidence in their capabilities. When they feel like you're on their side, they'll (eventually) want to do right by you.
6. Let them explore — with some boundaries.
Seeing the world through a child's eyes is absolutely amazing. Everything is new and exciting to them. That means that you should give them the space to explore — but both you and your toddler should know the boundaries. "From a walk in the woods to a trip to a museum, parents can give kids the space and freedom to investigate, which is an important part of helping them grow," says Mary L. Gavin, MD, for KidsHealth.
By letting them explore, you're giving them freedom. But in making sure they're not running into the street and sneaking into the neighbor's backyard, you're giving them a chance to build trust.
7. Toddler-proof your home to give them some more privacy.
Eventually, toddlers reach a phase where they're able to play without having mom's watchful eye on them. Usually, this takes place in their room or somewhere in the home. Feel better about your decision to give them privacy by making sure there's nothing dangerous in the room, like loose cords or unstable furniture.
That said, you'll still want to stick to a schedule. If you're in the midst of potty training, give them a potty break they can rely on so that there's still room for interaction between the two of you. Your toddler is still a toddler and shouldn't be completely unsupervised.
8. Set limits on spending.
Nobody wants to deal with a tantrum after a trip to the aquarium because you refused to let your toddler tour the gift shop. Toys and mementos make trips even more fun. But you don't want to go overboard and have your toddler take advantage of the situation — especially since the first time often sets a precedent for future trips.
Set a limit ahead of time, and even practice it at home. Tell them they have only $10 to spend, and help them understand prices when they see something they want. That way, they get to have some control over what they buy and also learn a little about money along the way.
