Brandi Carlile is an incredible singer and songwriter who has been producing beautiful folk music for two decades. She's managed to stay relevant through the years, and honestly, her songs just keep getting better the longer she's writing music.
She snagged three Grammys just last year for her album By The Way, I Forgive You, which many say is her best yet. And she's also a part of the musical supergroup The Highwomen, which has earned widespread praise. The group is truly revolutionary, and much of that is due to Brandi's contributions.
But Brandi is also killing it when it comes to her personal life, which she's been open about in recent years, too. Brandi came out as a gay women back in 2002 and married her partner, Catherine Shepherd, in 2012. The couple wanted to start a family, so Brandi's eggs were harvested for Catherine to carry.
Now the couple has two beautiful children, Evangeline and Elijah. While the adorable family is definitely doing things their own way and thriving, Brandi is talking about how it hasn't always been easy.
Brandi had the opportunity to write an essay for Parents Magazine about her experiences as a queer parent. In the February issue, she opens up about what it looks like to be a parent who's part of the LGBTQ+ community. It's such an important piece, too, because we don't often get to hear about this unique perspective from mainstream outlets.
Sure, there are other queer celebrities that Parents could've chosen to feature. But Brandi is one inspirational woman. She's an amazing example of a hardworking mom who is not only mega talented, but also mega fierce. Brandi does everything her own way; it's probably a big part of why she's seen so much success in her life. If you try to play by the rules, people stop listening. But Brandi has never veered from her deep well of intuition and integrity.
With that being said, Brandi is probably that way because she didn't have a lot of examples for how to be otherwise. She touches on that point in her gorgeous essay.
"I wish there had been more for me to read or to absentmindedly absorb through TV sitcoms, movies and ads — things that could have prepared me for the strangeness of being wholly responsible for a child without much representation or mirror to show me what it would look like," she says. "Now I want to be a part of building some of that history for other LGBTQ+ parents."
Certainly, when it comes to creating children in the first place as a queer parent, there are a lot of tricky things to navigate.
"It was complicated because I didn't know who I was supposed to be in this equation," she recalls. "I knew I wasn't 'Dad,' but I wasn't pregnant either. Catherine was uncomfortable with all the things that were happening to her body, and the whole concept felt so foreign to us."
Even though not all of us have the experience of being a queer parent, it's not too hard to imagine that there has got to be some confusion and soul searching that comes with the territory. Even for straight moms, going through the experience of becoming a parent can be tough. But for many of us, we have tons of examples to look to, books to read, and messages to absorb. When you're a parent in a less-typical walk of life, those messages are harder to find.
"This is because queer parenting lacks a manual," she says. "There's no way to prepare same-sex parents for what a lifetime of exposure to only heteronormative parenting will do to your heart and mind while you're contemplating and creating a new little life." So for Brandi, that meant writing her own rules.
Brandi and Catherine had to learn on the fly, but they did. She says when their first baby came, things began to fall into place. "Evangeline was born to two mothers on Father's Day, but she made it clear right away that she only needed us," Brandi says. "The rigidity around gender roles in parenting is indeed a construct. We know that now! But it took time."
Not only has becoming a parent been an important journey filled with a ton of learning for Brandi herself, but it's an important journey for anyone watching her and seeing her beautiful family dynamic. Brandi and Catherine seem so dedicated to their family and to raising their kids with love and compassion but also grit. It's not only relevant in Brandi's comments about parenting, but in her music, too.
Brandi has written so much stunning music throughout her career. But some of her most breathtaking work happened after she became a mother, which shows just how transformative of an experience motherhood has been for her. Her song, "The Mother," is somewhat of a love letter to her older child, daughter Evangeline. In it, she writes:
"You were not an accident where no one thought it through
The world has stood against us, made us mean to fight for you
And when we chose your name we knew that you'd fight the power, too."
In a 2018 performance at the Austin City Limits concert series, little Evangeline came onstage while Brandi was performing. The singer used it as a moment to talk about her family before the audience. "I feel it's important to stand before you in the great state of Texas and tell you about my family and our right to exist in the world today. And I should also be pretty honest with you and tell you that becoming a mother was not easy for me."
While Brandi didn't have a rulebook when it came to becoming a parent, by speaking about her journey, she just may be helping to write one.
