I have a tween. Chances are, if you're reading this, you have a tween, too. Tweens are a tough breed. Don't get me wrong — they are amazing in so many ways. I love watching my daughter grow up, leave behind the kid phases, and become interested in new things all the time. It's one of the most fascinating and exciting — and scary — processes ever.
It can also be really sad — for me and I'm sure for her.
Being a tween is really hard and confusing. It can feel isolating at times. And this year has been more isolating than ever. But watching my daughter grow also means that, sometimes, she's growing more distant from me. We've always been close, and so that's been pretty tough.
Even though I know it's part of the growing-up process — and definitely part of being a tween— it basically sucks.
Listen. I'm not a mom who needs to hang out with my kids all the time. In fact, I'm pretty much the opposite of that! I let my 6-year-old run free around the neighborhood, and I'm certainly happy when my tween daughter is hanging out with her friends. But these days, she simply doesn't want to be around me as much, and it hurts my mama heart.
The thing is, my daughter and I used to be super close. I mean, for four years (before her brother was born), it was just me and her all the time. She was super affectionate, always hugging on me. We were pretty much besties.
She's growing and changing, and it's clear that she needs different things from me. I totally respect it. It's why, realizing that the tiny upstairs of my home was feeling crowded between me, her, and her younger brother, I allowed her to move into the room in the basement last month.
The arrangement seemed great. I finally had more space in the bathroom, and she had her own bathroom in the basement. Plus, she just had more space overall. She wasn't constantly bombarded with 6-year-old problems. She could talk on the phone and listen to music without being overheard. Without a doubt, it felt like an important shift in our home for all of us.
But then she settled into her new surroundings. Like, really settled in. Almost overnight, I started feeling like I was seeing her a lot less. I'd ask her to come upstairs and hang, or watch a show, and she'd always be "busy."
On the one hand, it gave me a little more time with my younger child. That was definitely helpful. He needs a lot of one-on-one interaction, and our home did feel a bit more peaceful. But on the other hand, I missed my tween daughter.
I had to think back to when I was a tween, which doesn't feel like that long ago. When I really think about it, I know that I never wanted to talk to my parents. I would've been happy to eat my dinner alone in my room every night, on the phone with my friends, until someone kicked me off when the dial-up internet buzzed in.
I had to practice telling myself that her being in her room more often, even if it was because she wanted space from me, wasn't necessarily bad, even though it was different. The truth is that having space made her seem a bit happier. And, as parents of tweens know, genuine happiness can be hard to witness in your 10- to 12-year-olds.
The hard part about being a mom — which gets harder as your kids get older — is that a lot of times, you have to put your personal feelings aside. I know that right now, having more space is what my daughter needs. So I'm trying my best to give her that. And while pretty much everything I do annoys her, I'm trying to also pop in when I can without driving her crazy.
Last weekend, we had an opportunity to reconnect. My ex-husband took my son camping, so my daughter and I had a genuine girls night. We watched movies that were too grown up for my son, like Moxie, which is great, by the way. We ate junk. We just hung out. There was no pressure whatsoever. And I also realized at some point during the night that if my daughter didn't have more space from me on the regular, she might not have ended up staying by my side all night.
The space is a good thing, even though I feel like there's a lot of her life I'm missing. Tweens surprise you when they still want to hang out sometimes, though. As moms, we have to remember not to let our emotions get away from us and trust the process, even when it seems like they love their space more than us.
